Temp NC ending soon

[Ms.Fang]

So I went NC with my PD mum at the beginning of this year (2023). For her benefit I told her it would be for a period of six months, that I just needed some time to work through some particularly heavy stuff in therapy which was related to the cult she brought me up in and that she is still a part of.
Next week that six months comes to a close and I've been finding myself having stress dreams about it. Wondering if she will have changed, taken this time to reflect on her behaviour or get some help herself. A small part of me dares to hope but am too afraid to in case those hopes are dashed again. Having this break from dealing with her has been such a relief - being able to actually take strides in my life and work on healing my own trauma without having my energy and time consistently syphoned off by her. Not having the extra load of emotional labour of listening to her toxic bullshit and stubbornly unhealed childhood trauma.
Enmeshment is what our relationship has been my entire life and I am 34 now.
I don't know what it's going to look like from here - I guess I'll need to see how our next talk goes and decide from there.
Any thoughts, comments or advice is welcomed.
Thanks for listening, this forum has been invaluable for my journey so far.

[moglow]

That six months was for YOU, to give you a break and enough clear mind to start to heal from godawful damage she's inflicted. Focus on what *you've* gained and what you need, not your mother's stuff. Seems to me that's way overdue. 

Brace yourself for the very real possibility that nothing has changed for her - and live accordingly. By all means reach out to her if you want. Just know going in that she's in all likelihood the same person you went no contact with in the first place. 

Do whatever is best for you and your peace of mind. We're here with you. 

[Leonor]

 

The wonderful news, Ms. Fang, is that her progress or lack thereof has nothing to do with yours.

All of the healing and awarenesses and gains you've made are yours to keep! And you can keep going, whether your mom has decided to look into herself or not.

So if you do reach out, and are delighted to find that she has been inspired to pursue her own healing, that's very nice. You will still have very different healing paths, but you may find some opportunity to connect there from time to time.

If not, Ms. Fang, that's ok. It's sad, but it doesn't invalidate who you are or the experience you've had or the progress you've made. It's up to your mom to decide how she wants to move about in the world, and if she decides not to respond in the way you've hoped, it's not your failing or your fault or even your loss.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

My advice is to take things slowly with her. After you talk to her as you mentioned you'll be doing soon, give yourself several days - maybe even several weeks, to give your gut time to give you some 'gut instincts' on what you want to do next.

If she has changed in 6 months, she will be an anomaly - as most narcissistic parents do not do that (change into someone we can have contact with).

Moglow wrote about bracing yourself if she has not changed. I totally agree. My advice is to have a plan for how you will manage the days and weeks after contact - i.e. self care and therapy and other forms of support for yourself.

Trees

[moglow]

Hey Ms Fang, I hope you know we're not trying to be debbie downers here, just looking out for you. I learned the hard way [as I suspect many of us did] about putting my hopes and expectations on others. We're not responsible for them, but for ourselves.

I can't tell you how many times I thought "THIS will do it! THIS time I'll get her attention and she'll see I'm serious that we can't go on this way!" Nothing changed with her - I was changing and finally doing right for myself, and foolishly assumed that she got it. She didn't. Still hasn't. It's not her stuff and she's not interested.

Recent conversations with the one of my brothers she actually talks with, tells me she's still not changed - picks fights with him on a fairly regular basis, over random and imagined slights and taking things out of context to throw back in his face. He refuses to participate and just carries on with whatever actually needs doing. He goes back another day to a whole different other set of "problems" she's come up with. It's no less exhausting, he's just better at shutting it down than I ever was. It still takes a toll on him, even being exposed to it - he's mentioned several times that she has no redeeming qualities and take no responsibility for herself or her actions on any level. She still always blames someone.

I realized the peace I found by no [now back to very limited] contact with that woman is actually best for me. I have no idea what she thinks about it and it doesn't change my bottom line: My peace is worth so much more than pandering to someone who only sees herself. There's no room in her very small world for anyone who isn't in lockstep with her. It kinda stung when I realized that she wasn't interested in me on any level, but it is what it is. It honestly just showed me how much time I've wasted all these years, trying to find level ground with her.

What I'm saying is, even if you choose other than no contact, you can still so whatever works for you. She may want or even insist on more - you still get decide what that "more" consists of. Contrary to what I'm sure she thinks, your life doesn't necessarily center around her or her shenanigans. That's what I'm hoping you gained from the NC, that you've found you can be good to yourself.