NC vs Boundaries dilemma

[Free2Bme]

Hello all,

I've been away for a bit and been turning something over in my head lately and wanted to get various perspectives.

I am 7 years out divorced from my uASPDxH.  I've survived the smear, the monkeys ,parental alienation, etc.  There was a time when even my mother was buying into my exH 'victim' claim and was ghosting me.

What I've noticed is that it is now very socially acceptable to go NC with a parent, child, whoever and for any reason.  It seems like it is frequently encouraged.  I'm not referring specifically to this site, just in general.

I have been on both ends: the one going NC and friends/family going NC with me because of my choice to end my marriage: it's painful either way.  However, it bothers me that some people seem to be using NC as a means to not deal with something/someone that is difficult or uncomfortable.  Of course I would advocate someone going NC from a toxic relationship or abuser.  But if we as a culture systematically cut out people because of a difference of opinion or because we don't want to do the work of having boundaries, is this right?

For example: I have friends that went NC because they disagreed with my divorce.  Could they not disagree and still love me as a friend?   Conversely, my mother did some really hurtful things during my divorce and after distancing myself for a while I chose to chalk it up to a combination of immaturity, her dementia, and the influence of my exH and her H.  I wanted to reclaim what time I have left with her and forget the past (she is not malicious).  It was a work of forgiveness and I have boundaries in place that allow me to have a relationship with her even though its difficult. 

I keep seeing info for alienated parent/grandparents pop up on social media, I'm certain some have earned this but all of them?  Just as NC with an abuser is a sad last resort for the victim, NC can do a lot of damage to innocent parties.

Why is this a trend, Thoughts???

[Andeza]

I would make a broad, sweeping generalization and suggest it's largely the same thing that has created other current trends. Social Media. That coupled with a desire widely felt to acquire fame, and barring fame, sympathy. I would posit the theory that some percentage of those that chose NC do so because they are actually the PD person, another percentage are the abused that can no longer or don't want to any longer have their life energy drained in constant dealings with pwPDs, and finally there are those that believe in a certain circumstance that it's "the right thing to do" but sadly generally take that stance to punish or provide consequences for the person they are ending contact with.

My personal opinion is that people are like sandpaper. They're all rough to a degree and different grits. I personally have a point at which I would say the person grates against me too roughly to tolerate when weighed against any positive qualities. On a deeper level, there are the life energy consumers. Energy vampires. Almost no amount of time can be spent in their presence without being drained of our own precious resources.

[moglow]

No contact and boundaries aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. I'd go as far as to say that nc can, in and of itself, be a firm boundary.

People choose to end relationships every day for any number of reasons, when "being friends" or the "bigger person" isn't always either possible or palatable. But someone ends a friendship because they disagreed with your decision to divorce? That person's not your friend - you wouldn't do that to a friend, is my point. You might disagree with a friend for whatever reason but it wouldn't end the friendship, or cause you to ostracize that person. That strikes me as more about judgment and/or punishment, not no contact.

To say NC is a sad last resort seems a rather broad condemnation of a very difficult decision. I don't consider it a trend at all, but the firm realization that we all have limits. They just don't look the same for everyone.

[NarcKiddo]

I am not convinced that it is socially acceptable to go NC with a close family member. Divorce is, in many ways, going NC and the "friend" who dropped you over that is not showing acceptance.  Generally speaking, tolerance of others seems to be encouraged these days, so people who go NC might not be openly judged for it. I don't think that is bad. I don't see it as encouraging NC, though.

I also think that while NC may be tolerated, or even applauded in the case of someone who has been abused to an extreme and obvious extent, most people who go NC for their own protection do not advertise the fact to others. Those who advertise it are likely to be those who are seeking validation from others and who want people on their "side" at one end, and those who are truly defenceless and desperately need help at the other. If I ever had the guts to go NC with my mother I would not be shouting it from the rooftops. Partly because my relationship (or lack of) with her has nothing to do with anyone else. If I needed to tell somebody that I was NC to prevent inadvertent forced contact then I would. Otherwise I would probably say nothing and simply try to avoid awkward conversations or situations.