my 30 year journey so far

[WalkingMind]

I've been with my uBPDw for 30 years, final year of university.  For the first 15 or so very much in the FOG with a lot of the typical things people describe here with BPD type abandonment issues, temper, not dealing with stress well, etc . . .  Especially abandonment issues, that have been ever present, and which I am still gaining an understanding for.  Depressive episodes seemed to come up every 4 to 6 weeks for a few days throughout our relationship, sometimes more, sometimes less.  While in the fog I had my own growing up to do, I would frantically try to make everything perfect to avoid rages, but I also had my own not ideal ways of dealing with the confusion, resentment, and exhaustion I frequently felt.
A little over 10 years ago some things came to a head and we did couples counseling.  During about 18 months of a combination of couples and individual our therapist asked me in an individual session if I had ever heard of borderline.  I hadn't.  She suggested I read about it to see if anything is helpful.  Boom.  Like so many here, light bulb moment and all of a sudden so many things made sense to me.  DUring my learning journey I found Out of the FOG about ten years ago and learned so much more about NPD, BPD and a whole spectrum of what is out there.
Once I started to understand it and understand that I wasn't alone and learn about the toolbox here, some things that really helped was the key lesson quickly became that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it . . .also that I can't control others, but I can control myself. (also that I can improve things by controlling myself). This led to me improving how I dealt with her and her volatility (MC, grey rock, observing "crazy" behavior as symptoms without getting personally emotionally caught up) which overall helped our interactions in general. 
Although the meltdowns that occur every 4-6 weeks are tough, and the hyper sensitivity to her feelings and abandonment issues get tiresome we seem to have settled into some sort of mutual acceptance.
Now, heading into our fifties, I'm looking for ways to maintain a good balance of personal mindfulness etc . . .  while accepting the challenges in the relationship.  A year ago, she got hit with COVID and complications that make her very dependent and I am really a caretaker in terms of daily responsibilities.  One side effect of the illness is she can't drink alcohol and I am joining in that.  It has helped a lot with volatility (alcohol was a big presence and factor with issues for both of us), but it is also clear alcohol wasn't the sole problem either. 
I'm sure there is more to share, but for now I think that covers the big contours of my relationship with PD.
Challenges lately have been that I am getting burned out on work stress, caretaker stress, and trying to find a routine where I get the kind of breaks and recuperation I need to go back to my responsibilities with peace of mind.  Over all I'm thankful for other relationships like being appreciated by work colleagues (all remote, going to an office everyday wouldn't work), other family members, personal friends that I play music with, etc . . .  Also living near mountains where I try to go hiking and walking when I can.  I find one of my main happy spaces is when I am on a long walk.
Thanks to all the contributors on the board.  It always helps to hear how others are dealing with the PDs in their lives.

[SonofThunder]

Hi WalkingMind,

Glad you have taken the time to tell us about your journey, and it seems you have been among us for a while, yet not making yourself known among the other hikers along these paths we walk together. So again, very glad you have you step out of the woods and onto the trail in camaraderie.

Having stopped at the camp of the Chosen Relationship board, I now am able to understand more about my nonPD trailmate and your wife.  Im very sorry to read of your wife's Covid experience and disability as result.  You now face the very difficult task of assisting her physical wellbeing as a result, although deeply affected by the frequent experiences of the emotional disability of a personality disorder in which your therapist believes may be present within your spouse.

I also read of a great deal of toolbox skill learning and application in your life and I tip my hat to you in the proactiveness and multitasking of self-protection, coupled with caring for your wife's relatively new physical needs. Knowing the needs arose from Covid experiences, I will assume that allows you to compartmentalize your physical caring, separate from your self-care as a result of the PD traits that were in existence prior to her Covid experience. That is a difficult situation, as you are balancing the toolbox along with care, although you must manufacture a mindset of indifference, but with heart and hands of love in your provision of being a helpmate to her physical condition. 

Imo, for all here who choose to stay with their PD partner, there is a level of that multitasked balance, which I believe exists in necessity, in order for the nonPD to have some semblance of understanding, sanity, balance and purpose of self, both in a relationship with a PD and for some like myself, a goal for out of a legal relationship with my stbx. Ive been married 30 years and my stbx is family, regardless of whether our legal covenant agreement is in place or not. I will continue to use the Toolbox with a mindset of indifference and care in areas where possible, even in and post divorce. 

Toolbox + Indifference + Care. Imo care may also be translated as the term 'love'. I will call that balance, 'TIC' for shorthand on your thread.  From your description, you are currently balancing TIC and that is quite an achievement, so a big congratulations!  Also congrats on the realization that alcohol was a negative contributor and having the willpower to  remove those negative effects from the equation. 

Being that all of us here at Out of the FOG and on the planet only have 24 hours over 7 days year after year to accomplish living, I read you are taking the time to insert time away and nature is a large part of that mix. Well done WalkingMind! Keep up the great work in the balance of TIC and self care! 

SoT

[WalkingMind]

Thanks for your response SoT.  What I've managed to accomplish with respect to my sanity in my long term relationship is largely due to the wisdom I've gained here over the years.  It is constantly a balancing act that can get tiring and lately getting a bit more challenging, maybe just a function of getting older.  I'm finding refreshers are important and so I return regularly to the toolbox, reading here, and recently picking up "Stop caretaking . .  "
And I'm always on the look out for tips on how to rest and recharge.  I'll be posting more in the Working on Us forum
See you around,
Walking Mind

[bloomie]

Hi there. Adding another welcome to you as you officially join the conversations here at Out of the FOG. So thankful you have found the community and resources to be a help to you in the challenges of your marriage.

I do think you describe something very real those of us in close relationship with loved ones with disordered behaviors experience which I think of as a saturation point.

If we are not careful to find balance in the level of energy and care that our relationship requires with areas of our life that enrich and sustain us our bodies will let us know. Is it possible you are at that kind of a point with the recent addition of physical caregiving as well?

Are there ways you can bring in help with certain areas with needs around the home so that you can get out in nature consistently and spend time with friends and making music? I hope you can. I would imagine it would be very easy to find yourself isolated and drained. I am glad you are here and believe sharing will lighten a heavy load!

[WalkingMind]

Hi bloomie, thanks for your thoughts and welcome.  The word saturation resonates with me.  I think I am trying to keep finding ways to recharge and feel less saturated.  It seems to be getting more challenging.  For example on longer walks I am sometimes finding it more difficult get in my happy space.  I find myself thinking about her and the various challenging interactions that sap a lot of energy.  Sometimes I come back refreshed, sometimes not.
There isn't really much in the way of options for getting outside help, but I do have my own social network that I try to maintain which is helpful and does help me recharge.  As many have written here . . . having normal interactions with people can be reassuring.

I'm considering getting better about journaling. I've seen a lot of people here find that it helps. 
Checking in with Out of the FOG helps too. I've learned a lot here.  :-) 

[AppleTree]

Wow, just wow!

I read your opening lines and thought "did I write this in a dream state?" It so echoes personal experience.

You are way further along the post "lightbulb" journey than me (just had it!) and massive kudos for handling it as you have!

Just reading your post has been strangely reassuring!

[WalkingMind]

Welcome Apple Tree, I've had the same experience reading others. I'm glad my contribution resonated with you and knowing that you are not alone. There are so many helpful tips on the boards how to survive and never underestimate revisiting the toolbox regularly.