Anybody have problems with their partner not wanting to do anything!!

[Juju]

I have complained about my partner not wanting to do anything with me (many times) that involves anything out of his comfort zone!  This applies to pretty much anything, I broke up with him for this reason before but we have gotten back together again for over a year now.  He has phobias about everything, I want to go somewhere different with him but he just won't and it is so frustrating and boring, all he ever wants to do are house chores and lawn care, shopping (in our area of course). He is not a boring person he has great  sense of humour and wants to take care of me and would never cheat or do anything to hurt me but it is not easy sometimes, I long for something different for both of us to do, but as of 7 years nothing has changed and I know it won't, he has no desire to do so.  Is this normal behaviour for a possible Personality Disordered, anxiety ridden Person?????

[square]

My husband is a hermit. We don't go anywhere at all. Not even out to eat for a birthday. Not even for a midnight walk since our dog died. Not even to the grocery store, pharmacy, or Walmart. Nothing.

It's not just boring but soul crushing.

I don't try to change it. My choices are to live with it or leave. It's up to me.

[Catothecat]

Does your partner do things with others or does his reclusiveness extend to everyone?

I ask because I have a friend with avoidant personality and she won't do much of anything with anyone unless it's the exact same activity every time (and she has a very limited repertoire).  She's gotten worse over the years, and I finally got tired of asking her if she wanted to do something (other than what she always wants to do) and being turned down. We have some mutual friends and I ask them if they ever see her/do things with her and their experience is the same as mine.  Her comfort zone has become extremely restrictive but that seems to be a decision she's happy with.  What saddens me is that she wasn't always like this.

On the other hand, my uNPDexh never wanted to do anything with me, but was happy to spend time with his friends.  But when it came to doing something with me, he always had an excuse or would even just say he wasn't interested, or he had other plans.  I now know that his behavior was part of his NPD.

[Juju]

Dear Square

This is a hard way to live, you are not being fair to yourself, but I also know how you feel.  Do you any girlfriends or other people to do things with. My partner came to the conclusion that if he wouldn't do things with me at least he wouldn't complain (and yes he did years ago it was awful he would go on and on about it) but at least now he understands that that's not fair to me.  I am older and we both have have been through a marriage, children and the deaths of our spouses. If I were younger I know I couldn't put up with him, but at least now I have my own family, friends and money so he can't dictate what I can and can't do.

I am here for you if you want to communicate.

Hugs 

[Juju]

Dear Catothecat

I have often wondered if he has a personality disorder or an anxiety disorder.  I have given up trying to figure it out.  He does lunches with friends (within his zone of course) and is actually fairly sociable, I can't figure it out and either can his sister, his upbringing probably has something to do with it.  It is hard to try and understand someone like this.  Even if I mention doing something out of the ordinary he starts getting defensive! He thinks this is just the way he is and no one can help him  .....

[Cat of the Canals]

On its own, I would not say this is indicative of a personality disorder. People with certain anxiety disorders and some people on the autism spectrum are very particular about their routines and find new things/places/situations very stressful. Thus, they avoid them.

[square]

Juju, glad he at least stopped discouraging you from getting out.

Agree with CotC. Anxiety disorder (including panic disorder and agoraphobia) or autism spectrum are some reasons for staying in. Cluster A PDs could also be a possibility, or possibly Cluster C. In my H's case, I think paranoid schizophrenia might be the reason. There are also syndromes that combine certain things like hoarding, misering, paranoia, and other stuff that often goes along with restricted social activity.

[Juju]

oh I know so many personality disorders and problems, by figuring out what kind of PD he has will not change anything at this point, unless he wants to.  I realized years ago he won't go to therapy and this is the way he wants to live and believes there is no way out.

I have to just do things on my own or with friends if I want to be in this relationship and that's what I have done since getting back with him, still difficult at times when I see other couples doing things and going places together though!

[square]

I hear ya. I have chosen to stay for now at least, but sometimes it gets a bit much and I either want to vent or get perspective on it.

I've truly stopped hoping for change, don't even think about the (im)possibility at all, but I still have to cope.

[Juju]

Yes you have to make a choice and when we broke up I lived without him for nearly a year and found I was happier with him. It is hard at times but you have to weigh the pro and cons, and hopefully the happiness out weighs the disappointments.