Npd mum trying to turn family against me

[miffyxo]

Hey,

So I don't know where to start really. A few weeks ago I went no contact with my suspected NPD-m and blocked her on everything so she had no way of perusing contact. I got an email from my uncle (her brother) who isn't PD and who I get along with very well a couple of days ago saying she'd alerted him to comments I made about him a few years ago. I have no idea what she's talking about, as she always gossiped about him to me and my dad and any comments I might have made would have been in response to appease her before I realised she was NPD. I suspected something like this might happen so I've explained to him that I don't remember making any comments but they were most likely twisted if I did. I'm not sure what was said as he didn't go into detail but he hasn't confirmed if he's coming to my wedding and gone kind of radio silent since.

Do you think no contact is worth it if my NPDM can do so much damage behind my back? I feel in a way like it's just reinforcing how I was right to cut contact, but she has the details of my workplace and many of my friends so I feel pretty scared and shaken up right now. In the past before I went no contact in arguments when I was younger she made threats to contact my work and get me fired so I just don't know how far she'll go if she continues to not get a reaction from me.

[moglow]

Miffy, first decide if it's worth it to *you* to remain in contact with her. Others will always form their own opinion and unfortunately there's nothing to be done about that. None of that changes you, who you are and how you treat people - it's all on her. If they choose to believe whatever bile she spreads, that's on them. It's not even yours to explain or deny, if you want to be really blunt about it. 

As her brother, I guarantee your uncle has seen plenty of it in the past. Who knows what she's said (and how) - he may even be trying to open a door for you, with him. Letting you know that yes it's being said but he's not taking her seriously.

If she's been known to do it in the past, you might consider having a quiet talk with your supervisor or HR. Let them know she's not stable and is angry, that she could show up there trying to cause a scene. They could surprise you and possibly been there before. Maybe they could help come up with a plan to remove her/hide you temporarily should she appear. Possibly scoot you out a side door or flat out lie and tell her you're out, while they escort her to the door. It can be embarrassing but it can also show you who's got your back. Few employers want scenes like that, so if they can pregame instead of being caught off guard it can actually help everyone.

Plan for contingencies wherever you can, rehearse possible responses, and put it down. You can't possibly control her but if you're somewhat prepared it'll help keep you from falling apart. You're only responsible for YOUR stuff, no matter what she or others say.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'll tell you a very sad story. My father tried that call the job tactic, and it worked. One time, when I was still in the FOG, my sister kinda sorta went NC. She was newly engaged to her uNPD now-husband. None of us wanted her to do it. He was not a good dude.

But she was loyal to him. She stopped taking my parents' calls, just for a couple of days. They blew up her phone. But then... as my father told it to me gleefully, he "hit pay dirt!" He found her office phone number, which she had not shared with him. He called repeatedly demanding to speak with her. Her boss finally told her to just deal with the problem and make him stop. She did, for fear of losing her job.

And thus ended the one bid for independence I had ever seen her make. After that, she completely depended on her SO to "protect" her. Which he did or did not according to his own narcissistic whims. She was perpetually caught between her warring NPDs, trying to play the peacemaker and keep everyone happy with her. They all manipulated her. She was let go from that job anyway. They got married, her health got bad, she gained a ton of weight and just seemed overall depressed and on edge whenever I saw her, but she'd paste on the smile and act all superior to me.

Don't let this be you, dear miffy.

So... "Do you think no contact is worth it if my NPDM can do so much damage behind my back?"

What are you hoping to gain from NC? Is it worth sacrificing for the good opinion of people who so obviously care nothing for you? Clearly, she's done enough damage that you wish to go NC, so are you really helping yourself by going back to her? How much power does she have over you, really?

These are rhetorical questions, but I think my opinion is clear.

Regarding your job, moglow's suggestions are on point. You are wise to take the threat seriously, and forewarned is forearmed. This can be weathered. You're already a survivor. :cheerleader:

[olivegirl]

My Queen/Witch Bpd mother waged an extensive smear campaign to turn my entire family against me.

I tried to fight it, going to my maternal grandmother for help but she did not believe me because the drip, drip, drip poisoning against my character had started a long time ago.

That said, my pathologically jealous mother was creating chaos amid triangulation with others.  Though I was by far her primary target.

While she was successful in meddling in most of my relationships, I learned that my hurt reactions and pleas to stop the badmouthing only amped up her campaign of denigration against me.  Clearly my disordered mother felt powerful and superior and
any reaction was giving her Grade A fuel.

My toxic mother's goal was to isolate me from everyone so that I would be dependent on her so that she could dominate me.

After years of being VLC and moving states away to get some peace, my toxic mother ANNOUNCED she was moving into MY house permanently!

How I wish I was NC years ago.  This is was the purpose of her smear campaign!

I immediately went NC. 

Zero regrets.

NC sends a strong message that I am not an extension of her.  And that my life is for me.

I cannot fix her.  It is not my job to fix her.  She doesn't want to change. 

NC is my way of protecting my peace and my answer to her decades-long smear campaign against me. 

[miffyxo]

Thank you for all your replies. I'm sorry to hear the awful things you have all gone through with NPD parents, it shows I'm not alone as all your stories sound so similar to mine, but just can't believe that so many people out there are like this.

The longer I'm no contact with them and the more they try to hurt me either through an email managing to slip through or trying to get a family member to turn against the more I feel like I made the right decision and want to keep going with it. Some days are really hard and being stuck with the emotional flashbacks is difficult but I hope with time it improves. If anything all the pain it's caused me my whole life also spurs me on to stay no contact! I'm definitely in the grieving part right now, which I think is good!

Luckily my uncle was just asking about it and it doesn't seem like he actually cares what my mums been saying to him, I guess he knows her well enough now. I'm anticipating more stuff like this, but meh it's better than contacting them again and them coming to my wedding and risking them ruining that too. I'll probably reassess things after the wedding but I think by then it's likely I'll be even more confident in my decision.

[olivegirl]

Miffy,

I know my aunts are very well aware of my malignant narc mom's personality.

When I shared with my aunts that I was NC because of npd mom's pathological lying, divisiveness via triangulation, her campaign smears towards others—-they both agreed and shared some of the horrible things my toxic mom did to them.

However as time went on, my aunts strongly urged me to forgive and be the better person.

I think I know why:  my entitled mother is a spendthrift and has nothing planned financially for her retirement. No savings, no long term care insurance, no stocks, no bonds.  Zip.  Zilch.

Well I moved states away, 1k miles! My aunts are terrified of being responsible for her.  Moreover, because they are old-school, how will it look if their sister is not taken care of? 

While my mother is very malignant, her sisters definitely have some narcissistic traits and appearances are very important.

So I take my aunts' preaching "turn the other cheek" for what it is:  looking out for their own interests.

Fortunately, I am stronger now and I do not crave the approval of my disordered parents nor my aunts.  I won't be gaslit anymore to the point that I am a doormat for my parasitic, financially irresponsible and psychologically abusive parents. 

[xredshoesx]

i've had to tell several bosses/ front office people that if someone claiming to be my mother calls, just take a message and we've been NC 20+ years.

whatever emergency she has or manufactures to try to guilt you to get you to pick up, it's just that- HER emergency to deal with.  advise your boss that you'll call her back on a break if you don't feel comfortable sharing more.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Hey,

So I don't know where to start really. A few weeks ago I went no contact with my suspected NPD-m and blocked her on everything so she had no way of perusing contact. I got an email from my uncle (her brother) who isn't PD and who I get along with very well a couple of days ago saying she'd alerted him to comments I made about him a few years ago. I have no idea what she's talking about, as she always gossiped about him to me and my dad and any comments I might have made would have been in response to appease her before I realised she was NPD. I suspected something like this might happen so I've explained to him that I don't remember making any comments but they were most likely twisted if I did. I'm not sure what was said as he didn't go into detail but he hasn't confirmed if he's coming to my wedding and gone kind of radio silent since.

Do you think no contact is worth it if my NPDM can do so much damage behind my back? I feel in a way like it's just reinforcing how I was right to cut contact, but she has the details of my workplace and many of my friends so I feel pretty scared and shaken up right now. In the past before I went no contact in arguments when I was younger she made threats to contact my work and get me fired so I just don't know how far she'll go if she continues to not get a reaction from me.

It honestly might be best if he doesn't come to the wedding (so he can't give her info -- see below). I was just posting about this in another thread, but I refuse to allow them to know when mine will be. Even if I have to do a pretend "elope". Because I know that they would try to ruin it.

I would consider changing the wedding date (if possible) to when she won't know (maybe even the venue), and only have the people there that you trust to keep the details quiet. With all the stunts she's already pulled, please don't let her ruin your wedding, because she will try, considering her history.

[NotCryingGlitter]

i've had to tell several bosses/ front office people that if someone claiming to be my mother calls, just take a message and we've been NC 20+ years.

whatever emergency she has or manufactures to try to guilt you to get you to pick up, it's just that- HER emergency to deal with.  advise your boss that you'll call her back on a break if you don't feel comfortable sharing more.

Depending on a person's situation and job, I've learned it's best to tell as few people as possible, who know your parents, where you work, so they don't relay that to them...if you're able to keep it offline and hide the knowledge from the parents in the first place.

[JustKathy]

In the past before I went no contact in arguments when I was younger she made threats to contact my work and get me fired so I just don't know how far she'll go if she continues to not get a reaction from me.

Hi Miffy,

The work sabotage is actually the reason for my going NC. I hadn't planned on it, but when my Nmother interfered with an employment opportunity, that did it. I walked away.

Going NC comes with a price. The narc parent WILL turn everyone against you. I lost every single family member to the smear campaign, but now that both parents have passed away, I'm able to see that I was going to lose everyone anyway. I also now realize that none of the relationships were worth saving.

My GC brother: he was a lot younger than me and I never really had much of a relationship with him to begin with. He married someone more mentally unstable than our mother. Nmother responded by removing him as the GC and bestowing that honor on my sister. He's withdrawn from the world and moved to a rural area with his very unstable wife. So, bye bye... I don't need that in my life.

My sister: she was subservient to our Nmother and completely controlled by her until my mother's death. I actually felt sorry for her, but after my enabling father passed, my sister concealed his death from me and tried to steal my inheritance. I did NOT see that one coming. I've been battling her in court for two years now. She's become angry, resentful, and miserable. It's likely that the well was poisoned when she was just a child and things took their natural course. So, bye bye... I don't need that in my life.

Aunts and uncles: they knew that I was being abused but chose not to intervene. Better to let me suffer than to incur the wrath of a narc. I don't need them either.

I won't lie. It hurts like hell not having family, but knowing what my family members have all become (or probably were all along), I know I'd be hurting a lot more if they were still in my life. Instead, I surround myself with friends and neighbors who truly care about me. It took me sixty years to figure it out, but family isn't everything. When you have horrible, cruel people in your family who would happily hurt you and laugh while you suffer, well, that's not what family is supposed to be. Long story short, it may take some time for things to fully come into focus, but yes, NC is worth it. At least it was for me.

Be kind to yourself. Do what is best for YOU. Be happy.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"I won't lie. It hurts like hell not having family, but knowing what my family members have all become (or probably were all along), I know I'd be hurting a lot more if they were still in my life. Instead, I surround myself with friends and neighbors who truly care about me. It took me sixty years to figure it out, but family isn't everything. When you have horrible, cruel people in your family who would happily hurt you and laugh while you suffer, well, that's not what family is supposed to be."

Wow, JustKathy thank you so much for stating my own experience so very straightforwardly. That's exactly right. "But it's my family!" But... it's MY FAMILY that hurt me without regret and they would certainly do worse if they could. It's MY FAMILY who cares for me not one bit, who decided to drop me entirely rather than try to find a workable relationship with me.

[miffyxo]

Thanks for your advise everyone sorry I can't work out how to reply to everyone individually, but I really appreciate the support and sorry to hear so many of you have had similar issues - I guess NPD love spreading smear campaigns against their own kids (and everyone around them) :/ My uncle hasn't mentioned any of it again and I think he doesn't want to trigger me by bringing things up with my parents, I guess the shock of the moment probably caused him to say something initially but as soon as I asked what she'd actually said and to take everything she says with a pinch of salt he didn't go into it, I'm sure he's aware of her ways.

It looks like I might be moving jobs soon and I've asked my uncle not to say any details of the wedding like dates or venues before I share those with him, so hopefully they don't have a way of causing too much damage. My parents do know my address and tried to send me a birthday "gift" which was heavily loaded with NPD written all over it, but I'm going to ignore it and keep the no contact as I won't be threatened or "bought". The healing journey is taking time but without their presence I feel so much more ready to tackle life with the inner critic they've given me lessening every day. I definitely don't want to let threats or smear campaigns get in the way of that 

[chowder]

JustKat and Cordelia,

You hit it right on the head when it came to my own experience - and I'll add, after causing the hurt and laughing at my suffering, Mommy Dearest then got on the phone and bragged about it to other family members!  That just validated my decision to go NC.  When people show you who they are, believe them.

As for the "but it's your family!" comments - it's interesting how no one ever said that to them, like "how can you do that to your daughter."  But I have learned that other people's definition and experience of "family" was quite different from mine, and had no choice but to make the decision to go NC. 

Miffy, continue to follow your instincts and stay strong, as you enter a beautiful new life and journey with your wedding!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey Chowder. When I was younger, I know for a fact that people have said to my parents, "But how can you treat your daughter that way? Have those outrageous expectations? Keep her from doing age-appropriate things?" The answer was always, "She's MY daughter!"

It's entitlement, through and through. When I expressed surprise at what he had done with calling my sister's work, it was the same. And when I went NC. "MY daughter. I'M in charge. Period."

[chowder]

Hi, Cordelia - yes, it sounds like the entitlement, and "I know better."  What others must have thought, though.  Imagine if we had had supportive families.  Just imagine.