Deeply hurt again

[dazedandconfused]

I posted here years ago about an ex wife that I believed had BPD. We since have been divorced for years. I have had some fairly healthy, normal relationships in the interim. However, my last relationship lasted 3 years and ended about a month ago. I don't know if I have a target on my back due to my personality or due to carrying pain from previous relationships (probably both), but this woman was NPD to a degree I didn't think possible. I feel like a fool for not seeing the warning signs, but I have been with BPDs and never an NPD that I know of and I believe she is covert as well. She definitely love bombed me, but oddly very early on she began breaking my boundaries and I broke up with her because of it, for about a month and a half. However, we got back together after spending time hiking "as friends."

For several months at a time she would be sweet and loving, hypersexual with a focus on my fantasies. It eventually came out after a year of dating that she had cheated twice, with two different men early in the relationship. This would have been a hard "no" for me at any other time in my life, but we had been together for a year, it was 9 months ago at this time, she had perfect excuses (she had just gone through a divorce and was going through a "phase" and her father had passed away a couple years ago adding to it). I would break up with her or she would with me on occasion over things like her lying or hugging exes after promising not to, her flirting with coworkers, etc... It came out that she had sex with a coworker at the hospital we both worked at, a security guard who had called himself my "friend." It also came out that she had "sexted" him behind my back for over a year. For the next two years, I was trying to get her to change her job. She had numerous other instances of problems stemming from her work. She had slept with a prison guard who came to the hospital, a police officer who came to the hospital, several coworkers including the security guard and another married female employee with her coworker fling (so a threesome in which both women were married at the time). It goes on and on. My ex would get texts from men trying to get her to cheat and would tell me "You were right, so and so is trying to get me to cheat. You said this would happen." But then it would take months and months to convince her to block the person.

Skipping over a LOT: I took her to Peru, Hawaii, I lavished her with love and gifts (hoping I guess that I would convince her to be faithful and to reciprocate my love). I proved that I could be a good stepdad to her two kids from her previous marriage, wiping her sons bottom and being incredibly patient with them despite their being a "handful" as she put it. I kept patiently asking her to change her job. She would agree, then something would cause her to say no. One time she said she wanted to talk to a councilor about it first. I agreed but warned her, "If you just tell the counselor your boyfriend wants you to change your job and leave out all the context, she will think I'm being controlling." She did exactly that. She left out that she had sex with multiple coworkers including with some AT work on the shift she was working (night shift). The counselor said she shouldn't change her job unless I was willing to marry her. I had been trying to get her to marry me for years, also always with excuses from her.

We looked at rings April 13, less than 2 months before we broke up. I was going to buy her a rose cut diamond engagement ring for $17,000... I got a bit of cold feet because the last time we had looked she had admitted to flirting with, hugging, and tiptoeing up to the line of cheating with yet another, different coworker. I asked her to change her job before I bought the ring. She agreed to change her shift to day shift only, not a different work place. I said that was acceptable. Then a week before father's day and about a week before my birthday she called me to say she wouldn't be changing anything about her job. She said "I know it's a dealbreaker for you, so..." I agreed, I felt like she was calling my bluff or manipulating a breakup so I said it was over and got my key and belongings from her and asked her not to do what she had done previously when we broke up. I specifically said "please don't text me on my birthday."

She didn't contact me until my birthday, a little under a month ago. I was unbelievably hurt and am ashamed to say I tried to get back together. She said she "needed to do the hard work" of being alone. She said she was "like a motherboard with a virus" and that she needed to get better before we could be strong together as a couple, but that she was going to contact me when she was well and ready. I said she has tons of guys going after her and that I felt her staying at her job was anything but "doing hard work on herself." She said "there aren't a lot of guys going after me." She claimed she has no interest in dating but would focus on her kids and herself. I asked her not to contact me unless she was ready to have a real honest relationship with me and I haven't heard from her since. I took a travel job and left the state, partially for dread of being in that town and possibly bumping into her or several guys who talked to her behind my back or cheated with her. Now I feel terribly alone. I speak with limited friends and family about it and have scheduled phone counselor appointments. I feel depressed, to the point that I have difficulty getting out of bed at times. The worst part is that I think about my ex almost all the time. I dream about her. I think about sex and it's her. I don't want anyone else. I would go back with her in a heartbeat despite all the triangulation and devaluing and the discard. I have resisted contacting her at all, but I feel sorely tempted at times. I can't wrap my head around how she isn't contacting me, isn't missing me, that she left things with me hanging on waiting for her like this. If past behavior is any indicator of future behavior, she isn't celibate and working on herself and it drives me crazy. I spoke with my sister on the phone today, and she said "it's tragic because you really are the best person for her and for her kids." I feel that's very true. I left out thousands of details and incidents that my brain is trying to make sense of. I am reading "Psychopath Free" and she ticks almost every box on the list of 30 traits of psychopaths, and yet I stupidly want her back and would do anything to have her back. At times I really don't want to go on. Thank you for reading this wall of text. Any advice helps. 

[moglow]

There's no easy way to walk away from someone you feel deeply for. What I'd have to do is keep reminding myself - I can't trust this person. You've got a rather extensive list for three years time and that's the ones you know about or shes admitted to. She's repeatedly lied and cheated, lied in order to cheat and lies of omission, with everyone up to and including her children and employer. I wouldn't be able to trust her as far as I could throw her. Every time she walked out the door or not, answered a call or not, changed her hair or clothes, showered at a different time ... I'd be wondering why and who and what she was doing. Consider -even if she agreed- do you really want to go back to THAT? Those doubts and excuses and the heartbreak over and over? And sadly, this is just her sex life. If she's this cavalier with that part of her life, I'd venture a guess there's other things going on that you may or may not have already seen. 

Somewhere along the way, for yourself, I hope you build up some boundaries going forward. Cheating would be a hard deal breaker for me. I believe most people deserve a second chance, but there are limits. Whether she's disordered or not, understand she made deliberate choices here. And yes, as does everyone. I don't think it's anything like a target on your back. Maybe you'll have to stiffen that spine and just say No more. No one should live that way. 

[dazedandconfused]

Thank you for replying. My boundaries were slowly, insidiously broken down with just enough breadcrumbs to keep me staying in between issues of triangulation or abuse. When I initially found out she cheated, I said "This isn't going to work, you would have to change your phone number (she went through a "slut phase" - her words! with that phone number and many of the guys would hit her up out of the blue), your job, get rid of social media, and your roommate would have to move out of your house" (her roommate was a terrible influence on her, encouraging her to cheat and encouraging her to drive intoxicated, etc... I offered to have a shared facebook but did not want her to have her own as she met one of the guys she cheated there). My ex slowly actually did most of these things. It took about 6 months, but she changed her phone number (after I finally gave an ultimatum). Same for her social media and her roommate. Changing her job was the last thing... and apparently not worth it to her. There is no way to describe how my boundaries were broken down without writing a novel, but it was like slowly boiling a frog. Love bombing and capitulation were the order of the day when I would finally give an ultimatum after being ridiculously patient for months. You are right about the trust. I often wondered what she was doing or where she was going. The times I checked up on her, she wasn't doing anything awful. She actually gave me access to her gps and her ring doorbell, and when I would see what she was doing it was benign, like taking her kids to soccer. Of course, who knows what she was doing at her job. I still always wondered and it always bothered me. She was transparent in many ways: she would accuse me of flirting with coworkers at my job, something I never did and that there was no evidence for... turns out, she was doing the flirting and projecting it onto me. Strangely, I actually began to trust her if there was relative peace for even a few months. It would feel like a reprieve and I wanted so badly for her to change. She actually cheated on me with one of the men in her home, in the bathroom, and told me details about it. I thought about that every single time I used that bathroom, what she had done there. I know I shouldn't want to be with her. I know I should be happy to be free of her. But I'm not. Maybe I'm addicted to the love bombing or maybe she was just that attractive and I'm that shallow. Maybe her narcissism rubbed off on me.

[bloomie]

dazedandconfused - hi and welcome back!

One thing that occurs to me is that you handed over the remote control to your emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental well being to someone who is not safe or trustworthy. Maybe it is time to take that back. 

Your thinking, logical self cannot possibly want this kind of abuse and disregard in your life, but you have allowed yourself to be convinced that this person is the person you simply cannot live without.

You describe having spent an inordinate amount of time and energy attempting to change, impose  limits for another person's destructive, out of control, impulsive behaviors. And it got you no where. So, all the time you were monitoring her ring doorbell and social media accounts, all the energy you put into trying to 'get her' to change her job or at least her shift, nothing changed and you continued to feed into another person's brokenness that they are not interested in fixing.

It seems like you knew early on who this person is and what this person is about. And you went back to it and I am going to hazard a guess that other areas important in your life, other good, healthy, edifying relationships, your own personal growth and development, were ignored or abandoned as you chased after a fantasy.

The question I see that is important to consider is are you going to let the raging emotions you have been living in drive the train of your life and your mental health? Or are you going to get the help you need to shift your focus to recovering and making sure you don't make the same type of decisions again by getting your mind and will into alignment with what you determine is worthy to invest your time and energy in. Is it time to focus on what is good for you and point your life in that direction?

[moglow]

The question I see that is important to consider is are you going to let the raging emotions you have been living in drive the train of your life and your mental health? Or are you going to get the help you need to shift your focus to recovering and making sure you don't make the same type of decisions again by getting your mind and will into alignment with what you determine is worthy to invest your time and energy in. Is it time to focus on what is good for you and point your life in that direction?

^ This. ^ A human can only live another's drama so long before they're just consumed by it. You've got an awful lot of excuses, justifications and explanations for/from her - think of yourself. You have to decide to put this down and work with that goal in mind. No one else can do that for you.

I'd strongly recommend blocking her so not only do you not see what she's doing, she can't reach you when she's run out of other options. Don't seek her out, ask about her etc. Find things to do that'll get her off your mind, adjust focus to positive productive things!

[dazedandconfused]

Thank you both for responding, I have been reading and re-reading your responses and you are both absolutely right. I know she is almost certainly not going to change. I gave her an incredible amount of time and chances to do so. I haven't blocked her phone number yet, but I'm trying to work myself up to it. All the things I read about a trauma bond are true, it's very difficult to break. It's nearly impossible to look at how I feel about her and realize my feelings aren't true or reciprocated. An aside: in reading about narcissism there is the concept that the behavior has to be maladaptive and there is the idea that the narcissist is irresponsible with money. My ex is neither. Her sleeping with every alpha male around makes her popular. Sleeping with multiple coworkers just makes her alluring to the rest of them apparently. I never saw any consequences when I worked with her and she never told me of any. This might just reflect how toxic the town and workplace are, but I found it interesting. I guess I doubt myself sometimes, thinking "Maybe she's not a narcissist!" when it comes to things like financial responsibility (she seems to be good with her money, house, etc...). I realize the NPD behavior is on a spectrum and not every PD has every indicator, but I doubt myself regardless. Thank you for reading.

[bloomie]

dazedandconfused - I recently watched a video of an interview with Dr. Lindsay Gibson talking about Emotionally Immature People that helped explained the exact thing you describe here: a person that seems well developed and responsible in certain areas of their life and a human wrecking ball in their intimate relationship choices.

That interview, and Gibson's new book: Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People (EIP's) have been  helpful for me in understanding this.

Gibson describes the strands of development we all experience - physical, spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, etc., and explains that EIP's are so confounding because in many areas of their life they can be well developed. They can hold down responsible positions, seem socially adept, be highly educated and respected in their fields, but in the area of intimacy and emotional maturity they are underdeveloped and manifest certain characteristics that we here at Out of the FOG recognize as disordered and most likely not going to change when encountered in another.

There is a disintegration within, a lack of congruency and all aspects of self communicating together that results in a person who is emotionally immature and most likely unavailable for respectful, reciprocal, faithful and loving connection.

Here is a link to the interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tq3TjPQueKA

I hope this helps with the confusion around this person because I have found it is in the confusion that we are most vulnerable to trying harder, believing they will change and exposing ourselves to more damage.

[dazedandconfused]

Thank you bloomie, that sure sounds like narcissism to me. "They don't see reality as you do, they see it as their feelings... unable to see you or your point of view."
I appreciate everyone's replies. I'm still stuck with this daily urge to contact her and say something to the effect of "We were looking at rings 3 months before the break-up. Nothing major happened! I forgave you and stayed after you cheated! Multiple times! This makes no sense!" And... "How are you not sad to the point of being miserable? How are you not missing me?" But I stop myself every time. We haven't had any contact since my birthday, over a month ago. I know I should be "grateful" it's over, but the cognitive dissonance and suddenness/out of proportion to the discard still has me reeling, this long after.