My AA friend of 25 years has me worried. What would you do?

[blacksheep7]

Hi All

This friend which I will call Paulette who is 70 and in real good shape.  She came to see me this afternoon.  I hadn't seen her in several months.  She had been distant the last few years physically, not quick to return my phone calls, sometimes. I decided to accept her as some other friends that had changed through the years.  If not, I wouldn't have many left, four already moved out of town.  I know that I have to go back out there to make new ones.

Short story, she lost her partner of four years to cancer at easter. I know that took up most of her time.    I called her a few times and she seemed good mentally, seemed to have accepted it. Also keeping busy.
She has been a member of AA for 26 years and has always been a trustworthy and honest person and friend. 

She met a man on line, an American (we are in Canada) one month after her partner died.  This man is asking her to buy him, aspecific type of gift card which I won't name and send it to him being in jail.

I am shocked, confused, it's not her!  When I told her how I felt, she asked me a number of times not to judge her and that I was the only one who she told.  I said that I would never judge her but that I was worried and that she is being hacked. She sent him those gift cards.  I begged her not to send any more money.

I could go on and on about her trust in him and the universe sent him......

I can't control her. She will be moving at the end of August, two hour car ride. I will be texting her to see how she is doing and just be there for her.  I guess that is all I can do.

I've seen so many shows of women who got hacked.  Who would of thought, not her.

[moglow]

It's hard when you see someone being scammed and they don't want to hear it - grief and loneliness make some particularly vulnerable, even when they seem to have it all together. And he's in prison? Where does she see this going? Though I will say, some are really good at their game until they're not - and that may be how he got where he is now.

You're right, all you can do is be a friend and listen, pack away any I told you so or What the heck were you thinking would happen! comments and just be there for her.

[countrygirl]

Hi Blacksheep7,

Yes, I am sure that plenty of those white sheep have black hearts!   And, personally, I love black sheep.

You, blacksheep7, certainly have a good heart.  You want to help your friend, but realize that all you can do is be there for her.  Well, I think that being there for her is the most important thing you can do for anyone. 

It is a difficult time for her:  She's just lost her partner of four years, and she's an older woman.  She is trying to connect with the con, so to speak, who is perched there, like a wolf getting ready to prey on sheep.

You feel protective of her, which is to your credit.  I have been in a similar situation, where a family member was clearly getting conned, and there was nothing I could do. I told him what I'd found out, but instead of appreciating the effort I took, he became angry at me.  Sometimes, as much as it hurts, all we can do is let people learn from their mistakes, no matter how old they are. 

You did voice concern, which I am sure she took in.  Let's pray she comes to her senses.   

Keep us posted.

 

[xredshoesx]

my IRL experience tells me that to send funds to a prisoner in most places in the US, you need to put it on their 'book' which is their prison bank account.  i think your instincts are spot on blacksheep and i'll echo what the other posters said-  it's hard to watch someone you know and respect get taken advantage of.

another clue it could be a scam- the person is not calling her collect.  .  .

[blacksheep7]

It's hard when you see someone being scammed and they don't want to hear it - grief and loneliness make some particularly vulnerable, even when they seem to have it all together. And he's in prison? Where does she see this going? Though I will say, some are really good at their game until they're not - and that may be how he got where he is now.

You're right, all you can do is be a friend and listen, pack away any I told you so or What the heck were you thinking would happen! comments and just be there for her.



That's just a big part of the problem, she really sees a future with this guy! She showed me a picture (on her phone) of his bank account, toooooooo good to be true.
I said that when they say it looks too good to be true, it usually isn't. 

Oh gosh, I won't say anything like I told you so etc... It'll just make her feel worst.

Thanks Moglow!

[blacksheep7]

Hi Blacksheep7,

Yes, I am sure that plenty of those white sheep have black hearts!  And, personally, I love black sheep.

You, blacksheep7, certainly have a good heart.  You want to help your friend, but realize that all you can do is be there for her.  Well, I think that being there for her is the most important thing you can do for anyone. 

It is a difficult time for her:  She's just lost her partner of four years, and she's an older woman.  She is trying to connect with the con, so to speak, who is perched there, like a wolf getting ready to prey on sheep.

You feel protective of her, which is to your credit.  I have been in a similar situation, where a family member was clearly getting conned, and there was nothing I could do. I told him what I'd found out, but instead of appreciating the effort I took, he became angry at me.  Sometimes, as much as it hurts, all we can do is let people learn from their mistakes, no matter how old they are. 

You did voice concern, which I am sure she took in.  Let's pray she comes to her senses.   

Keep us posted.

 

Hi Countrygirl,

Thanks for the compliments of the black sheep!  I earned my hard work to overcome my Foo and am a proud one today.

I am sorry that you had the same experience and that it was turned against you.

Let me tell you that I didn't sleep well last night, waking up often with her on my mind.  I will let the weekend go by and call her next week to see how she is doing and if she has heard anything new from the con man.   I just want to make sure that she will not send out any more funds. 

I do hope that she will come back to her senses. 

Thank you for your support!

[blacksheep7]

my IRL experience tells me that to send funds to a prisoner in most places in the US, you need to put it on their 'book' which is their prison bank account.  i think your instincts are spot on blacksheep and i'll echo what the other posters said-  it's hard to watch someone you know and respect get taken advantage of.

another clue it could be a scam- the person is not calling her collect.  .  .

All their communication is on the chat platform. His story is so simalar of all the scams I've heard.  I checked him out on Fbook. Hmmmmm, the photos of a good looking man, a lot younger than her with pretty young women liking his posts.  He uses God on every one.

I want to know if prisoners have access to internet and are they allowed to have cell phones cause he posted just a few days ago, a nice picture of him, again.

You are right about the last clue, absent collect calls.

Thanks xredshoesx!

[countrygirl]

Good morning, black sheep!

I am sorry you didn't sleep well last night.  Unfortunately, the more you care about someone, the more you worry.  There's just no getting around that, as far as I know. 

It is good that you will call her next week.  It is so reprehensible that people prey on others, but of course it happens constantly. 

Once when I tried to warn a friend about the no-good-nicks she was going to encounter in a particular situation, she said,  "You are endlessly cynical."  I said, "No.  I am experienced."  I was trying to keep her from making my mistakes.  But she would not listen, and she got burned.  When she did, she was very perplexed that it had happened. 

It reminds me of what Lily Tomlin says about being cynical,  "No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up." In this world, it is good to be guarded and sometimes, even so, you get taken.  A hard fact of life.

I hope you will sleep better tonight.  May I suggest counting you-know-what!  I couldn't resist. 

You are definitely a black sheep, in the sense of being rare:  You care for others.

[moglow]

That's just a big part of the problem, she really sees a future with this guy! She showed me a picture (on her phone) of his bank account, toooooooo good to be true.

But - he's asking her for money/gift cards? And honestly, who gives people their bank info, much less someone they don't even know!?? I sure don't! What concerns me there is, she may have shared same with him...

He may have told her he's in prison as explanation to not meet her.

[blacksheep7]

Good morning to you too, countrygirl,

You gave me a good laugh about counting on I know what.    I needed that.

Love lily tomlin and the quote.  All so true.  Unfortunately some people do have to learn by their mistakes, the only way.

 

[blacksheep7]

That's just a big part of the problem, she really sees a future with this guy! She showed me a picture (on her phone) of his bank account, toooooooo good to be true.

But - he's asking her for money/gift cards? And honestly, who gives people their bank info, much less someone they don't even know!?? I sure don't! What concerns me there is, she may have shared same with him...

I know!!! I am still amazed that she fell for that! Yeah, gift cards that she sent him, a total of $3000.00  She did promise that she wouldn't send anymore.

I am going to have a good chat with her shortly, insisting that she is being scammed, wheather she likes it or not.  Paulette is a good citizen, having been a memeber of AA for as long as I've known her, she has always applied the twelve steps to a T. 

Loneliness can do a number on us, to anyone.  Something to think about.

[Cat of the Canals]

I am going to have a good chat with her shortly, insisting that she is being scammed, wheather she likes it or not. 

You might ask her why you were the only one she's told -- could it be that her gut is telling her there's something fishy about all of this, but she's ignoring her own intuition? Also ask what she would think if you told her you'd sent several thousand dollars to someone you had never met.

From what I know, prisoners generally have extremely limited access to the internet, and I can almost guarantee maintaining a Facebook account would NOT be part of that limited access. All of their access, in fact, would likely be monitored. I don't know of any who are allowed phones, but that doesn't mean there aren't contraband phones in use. Most states have Department of Corrections inmate databases that are searchable by the public, BTW.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sharing this because it's (merely) one article about the shame and self-blame that often are associated with financial scams. https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2022/victim-blaming.html

[xredshoesx]

OTIS (offender tracking system) works in the US to check someone's record.

[blacksheep7]

Thank you for all your helpful responses!

Cat of the Canals,

Unfortunately she believes the contrary, having a deep feeling that this man was put on her path at the right moment, a couple of months after the funeral. 

She was not permitted at the funeral parlor! They (two children) only thought that she had bad intentions, taking advantage of him.  There was not much to take advantage of in the first place.  The dd was controlling even with her father.  He on the other hand asked his dd on his death bed to not make any trouble with Paulette.
 
She of course was in a vulnerable state, her age for one and the kids that gave her a real hard time since they had bought a home together. She got a lawyer to settle that part.

The con man had made a friend request on Fbook while her partner was still with her. She messaged him saying she was in a relationship then the c man changed his name and the rest followed....months of chatting.


As for what they are permitted in prison, I did know about not having permission for cell phones, here in Canada.  A lot of contraband thought.  Internet, I wasn't sure.

If she only confided in me, a 25 year friendship was because of my honesty and discretion and certainly some shame that was not to be expressed elsewhere.

I did speak with her the next day telling her that it was with great possibility a scam, that they are good at their game for picking their targets.  She excused herself for making me part of that situation.  I said, no excusing yourself and I am your friend who just worries about your well being and happiness.  And the bank account, too good to be true, who would flaunt it like that to a stranger.  It's the catch.  She took it well and told me that she loved me. 

I will be calling every week or more if needed to see how she is doing.

Poison Ivy,

Thanks so much for the link. I have no doubt that there must be a lot of shame for the victims for falling in that trap.  Emotions are so raw/vulnerable when older women are lonely.  Another fact that astonished me was that she was single (before her last partner) for ten years, not seeming in a hurry to meet someone. She was much younger. The older we get, the clock keeps ticking and it is louder as years go by. IMO


xredshoesx,

Thanks for the info!  The thing is that is identity that he is using right now is probably false as well as his picture on Fbook. Like all the scammers. 

  to all

[blacksheep7]

Update,

I just called Paulette and she is in good spirits.  She told me that he is getting out of jail, that she speaks (chatting) with him every day. 

Gosh....I told her that people don't flaunt their bank account to strangers, especially their millions and that they are good at their game.  She just regrets getting me involved.  She asked me not to lose any sleep over it. I said ok but as a longtime friend of 25 years I asked to not send him anymore money in the future!

I just Hope that she comes to her senses But I truly believe that it will only happen when she gets burned.


I can not say anymore because I got the intuition that she won't share anything else with me since I told her that my opinion will not change..........a fraud.

I am letting go.  I will still be there when and if she needs me.

[Poison Ivy]

You are a good friend, blacksheep7.

[blacksheep7]

You are a good friend, blacksheep7.