Feeling nothing and haunted

OrdinaryMe · July 30, 2023, 08:34:51 AM

Hi all,
I'm newish to this board. Was here years ago when my journey into understanding what the heck was going on in my family, (I'm the black sheep/scapegoat) and then when I eventually went no contact.
Back now, but couldn't remember any of my old posting names...
Anyway,
I've been NO contact with my entire family of origin, extended as well to avoid all flying monkeys, for seven years.
It was a hard "drying out" period of mourning everyone from my past, but I'd did it and moved on to freedom
My father has tried to come physically bully me and has more passively tried to come for some of my grown children...
But we've resisted and remained a committed front in no contact.
I discovered that my mother has passed on.
I feel nothing.
Is that normal?
Also,
I'm not sleeping because my subconscious keeps telling me to wake up and be on guard... because she's coming to "get" me.
I feel I'm haunting my own self!
Are these normal experiences?
This nothingness (it's not numbness. I know numbness. It's literally nothing. I feel nothing that she is gone) and at the same time fear of her being able to haunt me?
I do not believe in ghosts, so this has been very troubling for me.

bloomie · July 30, 2023, 09:02:43 AM

Hi and welcome back, OrdinaryMe. It would seem you have already done enough work and grieving that you have experienced your mother's passing from your life already, if that makes sense. You have long been separate from the potential harm your father and family could bring into your life.

Is it possible your dreaming is the place where anxiety is showing up or you are further processing this news? Is there anything about your mother's passing, or how you found out about it, that would bring a resurgence of efforts to contact you by your father or other family members?

OrdinaryMe · July 30, 2023, 09:12:10 AM

I am bracing myself for fresh efforts from flying monkeys, yes.
I am constantly ready for someone to roll up the way on me...
And to be forced again go have a confrontation.
I am not angry, I didn't leave angry. I explained I needed it for my mental health, that I loved all of them, but their system was going to kill me.
The last interaction (ambush) with my dad didn't end well.
I didn't backdown, he got FURIOUS and left screaming at one son and me through his car window.
They're pissed that my husband and kids supported me and joined me in going NC, even though I left them everyone else in my life.
So, yes...
I expect to be made to pay for the "harm/hurt" my leaving and my kids choosing me caused my parents.

Srcyu · July 30, 2023, 09:26:42 AM

I feel nothing too. Mine passed quite a few years ago now. I don't keep track.
My family and I also made a united front of no contact when inappropriate attempts were made to reach them behind my back.
There are various types and stages of no contact. Like yours, mine was solid.
We rejected our mothers completely because we had to.

We can only mourn those people who mean something to us.
The way we were 'mothered' was not normal so our response to their demise is not what you would normally expect.
The relationship was all 'wrong' There is no 'normal' response to that.

Your subconscious mind believes that your mother could now break the no contact in a way that she couldn't do while still alive. You know that's not true.
Your emotional brain needs a little bit of help just now. That's where you reaction to her death has shown up.

bloomie · August 01, 2023, 09:02:11 AM

Quote from: OrdinaryMe on July 30, 2023, 09:12:10 AMI am bracing myself for fresh efforts from flying monkeys, yes.
I am constantly ready for someone to roll up the way on me...
And to be forced again go have a confrontation.
I am not angry, I didn't leave angry. I explained I needed it for my mental health, that I loved all of them, but their system was going to kill me.
The last interaction (ambush) with my dad didn't end well.
I didn't backdown, he got FURIOUS and left screaming at one son and me through his car window.
They're pissed that my husband and kids supported me and joined me in going NC, even though I left them everyone else in my life.
So, yes...
I expect to be made to pay for the "harm/hurt" my leaving and my kids choosing me caused my parents.

OrdinaryMe - you have faced the fury and confrontation before and know how damaging it is. I am so sorry you have the specter of this possibility over your life. I admire your strength and wisdom as you stand strong if the face of unfair and unwarranted treatment.

You are not alone here. We are standing with you and sending your wisdom and strength to further reinforce your fortress around your peace of mind!

moglow · August 01, 2023, 09:56:22 AM

QuoteI expect to be made to pay for the "harm/hurt" my leaving and my kids choosing me caused my parents.

When it boils down to this, all we can really do is ask ourselves what's left. Unfortunately at this point he should long since be aware why you are where you are. That he isn't, is all on him. And yes, he may enlist others [whether knowingly or not] to push his chosen agenda - and that's on THEM, not you. Just know that those people are making choices based on their own stuff too, not necessarily intended to hurt you in any way. I'd bet they understand more than you think.

But the haunting ... I get it. I can understand feeling nothing and yet haunted at the same time. All the things said and unsaid, the unresolved feelings, the disappointments, those old memories coming back up. In many ways I suspect you grieved that loss already, so the reality that she's gone isn't as huge as it might otherwise have been. Sometimes all we can really do is sit with those leftover feelings, let them wash over us then let them go.

sunshine702 · August 04, 2023, 08:59:21 PM

I am also of the belief we grieve things to the extent the relationship mattered and after years of abuse and no contact of just didn't matter - that is perfectly normal.

I cried so hard when I lost a beloved cat companion out of the blue I could not drive. I had to call someone. That cat really really mattered to me.

It sounds like your subconscious is working through some things with the ghost of her. I am not sure your spiritual tradition or not but some meditation or prayer before bed releasing her may help your dream life.

Best of luck - hugs!!

Boat Babe · August 05, 2023, 05:06:03 PM

Perhaps bereavement counselling might help - even though you feel nothing and you were NC for a long time. You wouldn't be the first person in that situation and there will be issues around the death of an abusive parent that can be handled by a sensitive bereavement counsellor. This haunting feeling can't be pleasant and I hope that some professional help can exorcise this particular "demon". Sending hugs.

Pepin · August 09, 2023, 04:39:10 PM

When my younger self became motherless, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. For the longest time I assumed it was my young age. I did therapy and even joined a group for motherless daughters. Everyone else was generally balling their eyes out at least once but not me. It struck me in my late 40s after doing some inner child work that my mother had emotionally abandoned me before she died. It is difficult to remember anything about her because we just didn't have a relationship....and what I do remember was that she largely wasn't kind to me....that I was in her way and just not wanted. But what actually hurts around all of this is that she married a narcissist. He was the one that was getting under her skin and she finally understood what was happening. She was trapped with young children and her angst had to come out somewhere so she went after me.

Regardless of the fact that her emotional abandonment of me was the effect of the abuse of my father, abuse is abuse. To this day I feel little to nothing for her. It's like she never existed...