Is this how it's going to be forever?

[generator26]

I am 30 and my dad is just so unbelievably difficult for me... there have been a few times in my adolescence/adulthood when I communicated to him that something MUST change. Looking back, I'm not sure how much really did change, and it always came with great distress, fear, and chaos to address things.
Now I'm in a new season. My dad has moved away. He's divorced (again) and I'm single. My siblings live far too.  There's no buffer (other than my sweet dog, thank God) and he has come to visit a few times since relocating (he has property and various responsibilities here still). Fortunately, with communication and adjustments, his visits have significantly decreased in frequency and length. He hadn't been here in 9 months, but he's here now for a few days, and oh my gosh... he is pushing me to the end of myself.
Here's where I'm torn: there is no "easy" with him, so everything feels like the lesser of two evils. He pushes boundaries all the time, but if I push back in even the smallest way, it results in #1 his volatile response and #2, normally some other negative consequence.  So in the short term, saying yes feels easier. However, this has led to feeling under his control and at the mercy of his needs, whims, and emotions.
I have tried to remain totally independent of him otherwise (zero financial dependence, I never initiate contact, etc).  I have also tried the strategy of creating an unchangeable framework (creating a meal plan, a social schedule for myself during his visit, etc).  I'm doing the best I know how, I think! But it feels like his illness and his personality just feel every tiny crack they can find.
Anyone else find themselves trapped in this cycle? Feeling like there's not even a true relationship here- just appeasing him to keep myself safe and get through the time. NC has been in the picture in the past. It was tumultuous for our family system and is a last resort but I just don't know if I can handle him in any context, big or small.  Any suggestions of next steps?

[Andeza]

Is this how it's going to be? Well, you get to decide. Your father, if he is a personality disordered individual, most likely won't be changing. Some do, but it's up to you if you want to wait and see if he's one of 1% that looks in the mirror, suddenly realizes they are the problem, and makes the effort to fix it. To me, that's not great odds, but it's your choice. Ultimately you decide if you want to continue the relationship, but knowing full well he's not going to change in any way, or not.

Fist boundary I would set, were I in your shoes. "Dad, you can't stay at my place when you come to town next time. You'll need to grab a hotel." Throws a fit? "No we won't be discussing it further dad. Got to go, talk to you later." *click* And he's not visiting in my home, we can meet for coffee or lunch someplace in public. But that's me. You have to do what you're good with, what you can live with.

[lkdrymom]

I have to agree. How it will be is solely on you. What will you tolerate and what won't you? Don't allow him to stay with you.  If he gets mad tell him he is too difficult to be around for long periods of time. He can't force you to host him. And this will also allow you to walk away when he gets negative.  And do that.  Get up and leave when he crosses a boundary. EVERY TIME.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is a question many of us who have chosen some amount of contact at one time or another (or on repeat, if I'm anything to go by). There is something very demoralizing about the amount of effort it requires on our part for such a piddling, surface-level relationship.

I feel like I've been recommending this a lot lately, but if you haven't read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, I can't sing it's praises enough.

[NarcKiddo]

This is a question many of us who have chosen some amount of contact at one time or another (or on repeat, if I'm anything to go by). There is something very demoralizing about the amount of effort it requires on our part for such a piddling, surface-level relationship.

I feel like I've been recommending this a lot lately, but if you haven't read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, I can't sing it's praises enough.

You speak the truth! That book is on my reading pile.

And the level of effort is appalling. I've chosen to remain LC (grey rock) but the effort involved is unbelievable. I've just been under a sustained narc pile on from FOO purely because I have dared to decline an invitation from a member of the extended family that they assumed I would accept. It has literally nothing to do with them except that they all want to attend this function. I am not stopping them. They are not reliant on me for transport.

generator - you have to work out what is best for you and then do that. If you want some level of contact and are able to set and enforce boundaries you can live with then that is the obvious path. But of course they don't like boundaries and you are correct that they have an uncanny ability to home in on any slightly weak spot. I wish you well.

[wisingup]

Here's where I'm torn: there is no "easy" with him, so everything feels like the lesser of two evils. He pushes boundaries all the time, but if I push back in even the smallest way, it results in #1 his volatile response and #2, normally some other negative consequence.  So in the short term, saying yes feels easier. However, this has led to feeling under his control and at the mercy of his needs, whims, and emotions.

Oh, thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel!  I'm realizing the only way out is to grow a strong spine, set boundaries and accept that the PD person will never just accept them - they will always push and push.  My mom is the same way.  It is existentially terrifying to have this person in your life who wants to suck you dry and you cannot get fully away from them.  I've made a lot of progress, but I'm still dealing with the after effects of our conversations where I have to grey rock her even when she is trying to be nice.  But I know if I open the door even a little, she will shove her way in as far as she can get. 

It's a REALLY hard and lonely business.  But we understand here.

[Tribe16]

I feel like I've been recommending this a lot lately, but if you haven't read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, I can't sing it's praises enough.

YES!!! And the companion book "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents" is building on all that good stuff from the first book.