I'm not a spring chicken either

Sneezy · August 14, 2023, 06:57:59 PM

I know that many of us who are dealing with elderly PD parents are not all that young anymore ourselves. I mean, 60 is the new 40, right? But still, I have muscles that twinge a little more than they used to

My mom (in her eighties) seems to think that she is a completely helpless little old lady, and the rest of us are here to cater to her. The latest issue is groceries. Mom lives in independent senior living, where she goes to a dining room for three meals a day, seven days a week. There is also a van service (included in her rent, so no extra charge) that will take her to Walmart and to the grocery store. But mom NEEEEEEEEDS me to take her grocery shopping (see my previous post regarding a potato chip emergency).

The reason mom needs me to take her grocery shopping is because she can't lift anything heavy. Well, neither can I. If I need to buy heavy stuff, I take my husband or adult kid with me to the store. Or I order groceries and have them delivered. But mom seems to think it's my job to lug cases of water and soda up to her apartment. I have a sore shoulder and a tweaky hamstring and it's 105 degrees in the shade. I can't do it.

The problem I have is that I don't want to start acting like a complaining little old lady myself. I cringe when I hear myself explaining to mom that she needs to order groceries because I can't lift a case of water. Ugh, I know the answer - I should just say "no," without all the explanations. But it's hard.

Poison Ivy · August 14, 2023, 07:50:14 PM

It IS hard.

I and my siblings are either in our 60s or soon to be 60. Our mom is 95. Mom has severe impairments, and it's clear there are many things she can't do, but it's very aggravating when she treats her primary caregiver, my sister, like a servant.

Psuedonym · August 16, 2023, 12:04:53 PM

Hey Sneezy!

Two words: Insta. Cart. It's actually one word but I wanted to be dramatic. You can sign up for a low monthly fee for unlimited delivery and yes they'll deliver it right to her apartment. Best money you'll ever spend. And yes Negatron hated it because it was one less thing she could use to be manipulative but even she had to admit it's pretty great.

Sneezy · August 17, 2023, 02:26:54 PM

Quote from: Psuedonym on August 16, 2023, 12:04:53 PMTwo words: Insta. Cart. It's actually one word but I wanted to be dramatic.

I'll keep trying

But as you say, it's really about the manipulation, not the groceries. My mom doesn't have room to cram any more food in her fridge or any more clothes in her closet. Her hoarding, of everything including food, has gotten significantly worse. But if she can make me take her to the store and follow her around and lug her stuff for her, she somehow counts that as a win.

moglow · August 17, 2023, 03:23:35 PM

Somewhere along the way mommie dearest realized none of that nonsense was possible with us, she's not even asked [probably because she realizes that would mean having to play nice and she doesn't want to do that]. She's always been friendly with a like-minded niece who lives far south of her - said niece/my cousin has described the text and telephone conversations where niece/cousin is instructed what to order and have shipped to md, whereopon md is quick fast and in a hurry demanding to know why isn't it there yet and when it will be there. Md lives in middle of a small town with several perfectly good grocery stores and farmers markets within a mile of her, yet she has bulk shipments of all manner of processed garbage sent in. THEN there's the minute to the penny accounting she demands of this niece rather than providing her own card up front, having her own account set up and trusting niece to do as asked. Control!!

I still don't see the grocery shopping mandates with yours though - particularly not when they prepare and provide three meals for her right there? Surely there's an end to the snacks one really wants or needs? And honestly - you can't lift that case of water either, maybe she could consider a dadgummed filtering pitcher for her water needs and simplify for everyone! Silly me.

Boat Babe · August 24, 2023, 02:54:34 AM

Hi Sneezy, thanks for posting this as all of us on this section will be feeling our ages to a greater or lesser degree. I'm now 66 and slowing down somewhat but still lucky enough to be in good health. This is, in and of itself, a challenge and I have been working on conscious ageing going forward (there's a great book by Ram Dass on the subject). Personally I have no trouble using the age card when it comes to my mother as I am so "meh" about what she thinks. If I'm tired and can't travel 100 miles to visit I tell her so. She refuses to use carers (she is very tight with money) and I can't force her as she has capacity. I refuse to be "everything" to her but do keep an eye on her and do step in if there is no other option. All the obligation and guilt I carried for years is utterly spent now and although a relatively dutiful daughter I no longer play her little games. Hope that helps.

Sneezy · August 24, 2023, 02:19:02 PM

Thanks Boat Babe - Aging gracefully is a big goal of mine. Although none of us can know what the future will hold, I hope to go out with kindness and love, rather than bitterness and regrets.

I'm having a hard time lately with the unfairness of the universe (ha - how's that for a broad statement). I have a cousin (other side of the family, so not related to mom) who is my age and she is dying. This fall and winter will be her last holiday season and we are hoping to see her. She is handling this turn of events with as much dignity as she can and she will be missed. In the meantime, my mom has made it into her eighties and she is relatively healthy. She should be thanking God every morning for the gift of another day, and yet all she does is complain and moan and spread her toxicity around. It just isn't right.

Boat Babe · August 28, 2023, 05:58:38 PM

Quote from: Sneezy on August 24, 2023, 02:19:02 PMThanks Boat Babe - Aging gracefully is a big goal of mine. Although none of us can know what the future will hold, I hope to go out with kindness and love, rather than bitterness and regrets.

I'm having a hard time lately with the unfairness of the universe (ha - how's that for a broad statement). I have a cousin (other side of the family, so not related to mom) who is my age and she is dying. This fall and winter will be her last holiday season and we are hoping to see her. She is handling this turn of events with as much dignity as she can and she will be missed. In the meantime, my mom has made it into her eighties and she is relatively healthy. She should be thanking God every morning for the gift of another day, and yet all she does is complain and moan and spread her toxicity around. It just isn't right.

I wish your cousin abundant quality of life for the time she has left. And yes, so much isn't fair. All we can do is to develop compassion in action. Hugs.