No Contact with my PD Sister and I am being guilted by family members

[Ktaylor]

First timer here, I apologize in advance if I share too much or not enough to get the help I am requesting. I will review the responses and add whatever detail is needed or clarify any information shared.

Background: I went no contact with my sister a little over 5 months ago.  She has uBPD (undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder).  I probably do not need to tell this group the trauma I live with after decades of trying to have a relationship with her.  The last big blow up I had with her is now almost 4 years!  I went to therapy and it helped me remove myself from being her direct target.  However she found another target and that was unfortunately our Mom.  My mom went no contact with her 8 months ago and I followed 3 months later after trying to unsuccessfully separate myself from the latest round of holiday drama.

Since going no contact, I am working hard to get her opinion of me out of my body. As more time passes I feel like I am having more success here. No contact is easier to sustain right now since my mom also has no contact with her and neither of my parents are pressuring me have contact with her. This is a first in my lifetime and I am 51 (my sister is 46).  For the record our father has kept in contact with my sister and so has my daughter. 

I do have some resentment I am working through from being historically pressured by my family to have a relationship with my sister.  Based on this I am sensitive to pressuring anyone to have or NOT have contact with my sister.  I feel like we individually need to do decide for ourselves.  Even if my mom decides to reengage, I do not plan to re-establish contact. 

It's hard to imagine a life without my sister in it, we have had some good times but the trauma of the bad times are hard to forget and remind me I have made the right choice for myself.  Family and friends that know us well understand and do not guilt me.  However I have extended family members that tell me the same thing I heard for years and it makes me feel guilty for my choice to go not contact. 

I have been repeatedly been told the following for as long as I can remember:
--> she is just jealous of me, while implying it justifies her behavior
--> my parents will not be around forever and I am making their life more difficult by not having a relationship with her
--> I should be the bigger person and take the lead in working things out

At some level I appreciate how simple these family members think it is to "fix" my relationship with my sister. I suppose they have not endured the trauma that comes with this kind of relationship and I am grateful if they haven't.  I love my family, I love our friends, heck I even love my sister. I believe the people pressuring me have good intent but the impact of this pressure is having a negative effect on me. 

How can I respond in a powerful way to get them to stop and if I can't how can I process these words in a way that doesn't add to my guilt?

[moglow]

Okay I'll play - how exactly does one "be the bigger person" with one who's patently uninterested in changing the way they treat you? When is enough enough, in their eyes? Or does that exist?

I found a few times that a face to face "I appreciate what you're saying and while I can love her as my sister/mother, that relationship was not loving. It was devastating to me. I decided I'm not willing to do that to either of us anymore." (Was semi-successful.) And then a firm, "I'd rather not discuss her/this further. I'm sure you understand." And then refuse to discuss. At all. I ended phone calls, left the room, had to leave suddenly, etc and refused to keep repeating myself or listening to theirs. Still - semi successful. I suspect mother brought it up to people, claiming to not know why. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I had to take care of myself.

[Srcyu]

Something along the lines of - "Oh, bless you for your concern! If I think I'll need anymore help from you I'll be sure to let you know."

Also - "I am the bigger person, that's why I don't see her anymore."

And finally - "My parents are my concern and I will deal with things accordingly."

[Call Me Cordelia]

The "your parents won't be around forever" guilt trip.     

Your own mother went NC with her first. So how is your NC supposed to make their lives more difficult? If anything it makes their holidays etc. simpler.

But even if that weren't true, are they really telling you you have to take your sister's abuse as long as your parents are alive? Just hang in there until they're dead? Your parents' suffering matters, but yours doesn't? There's no way to make that mentality look good.

Your sister very well may be jealous of you, but her behavior is still hurtful. And has consequences.

I like that line about how you ARE the bigger person, that's why you don't let her hurt you anymore.

[Hilltop]

I would just tell them it is between your sister and yourself and you don't feel it's respectful to discuss this personal issue with others.  If they persist just tell them flat out it's not open for discussion as you need some time to think it through.

Others don't know what is best for you.  Take all the time you need.  The relationship they have with your sister may be different to the relationship you have with her, your experience is not theirs's and vice versa.

The comment of be the bigger person is code for just put up with whatever is dished out.  Fix the problem is code for we are all uncomfortable and rather than dealing with our own feelings of being uncomfortable we just want you to put up with it so everything goes back to normal regardless of how you are being treated.

It's not up to you to fix or sort out other people's emotions, jealousies or problems.  Take the time you need to heal, that is your only responsibility here.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Welcome Ktaylor.

The three responses you have repeatedly been told from others are, I believe, common. I have heard them myself about my own sister. I always categorized them as coming from people who do not understand the dynamics of a person with a PD, and are mostly a 'go-to' attempt to trigger guilt or obligation so you will alter your current position.

I think you have gotten great replies here. I am not sure there is anything I have to recommend that would change what they do or say. Sometimes people just do not get it, and it is not your responsibility to get them to see it. I would maybe say overall to not discuss the current status of your relationship with your sister to anyone. That way the topic is closed and nobody ever gets the prompt to say those things. If they ask or bring it up, you can reply "I am not discussing that right now." If they press on further, repeat "I am not discussing that." Try to change the subject and if they still do not take the clue, then end the conversation, hang up or walk off.   

The objective is regardless of what others do or say, take care of yourself. The only opinion and voice that matters most is your own.