PD (??) twin sister: Tired and Scared

[Doore]

Hey everyone,

I want to open up about something that's been weighing heavily on my mind. I've been dealing with an incredibly difficult situation involving my sister (35f). I don't know what is wrong or what is going on with her, she has been on antidepressants for 9  or so years. They aren't working and she going on an alternative currently though she is adamant it's me that is the root of her issues.

We went NC with our mother who deffo had some sort of PD.

My sister was fine until June last year and she's morphed into someone unrecognisable and scary.

Over time, I've come to recognize patterns of behavior that I can no longer ignore. While it's difficult for me to talk about this anything would help.

Whenever I've pointed out her hypocrisies, said no, or highlighted contradictions in her actions, she reacts with screaming, crying, and insisting how she's been hurt. She's unwavering in her belief that I have a fixed way of seeing her. She questions, "How will I outrun your assumptions and views and weak takes?" It's as if she's accusing me of blaming her low moods life situation unhappiness and loneliness on her life's hardships. When I have never uttered a word other than trying to be positive "your so toxic"  Then, she tells me, "Dora, you are my hardship."

She never dated (virgin and never kissed) as it was her weight( sorted now) her teeth (now sorted) her job (now sorted) and currently me (if I treated her better her self esteem and confidence would improve "how am I meant to date when you can't even treat me right I'm so scarred I'll end up alone but rather that then be mistreated like you have been doing to me") we are twins and she has proclaimed  that my partner has made me lazy and arrogant and take what I have for granted.

"Are you not ashamed" "can you have compassion" "have humanity" "if you have any love for me" "for my sanity" "spare me" "I beg you I beg you pls pls call me"

In our interactions, she's laid down rules: no screenshots, mind the emotion in my voice, speak properly speed and energy with no pauses "you know how anxious I am and you can't be bothered to be humane and not make me wait around on you. I'm at your beck and call, how stupid and nothing I am" as well as no crying. She wants me to change my tone of voice and avoid mentioning things she's dealing with because "you asked me to not be negative and I've shielded you from how much shit I'm in" and if I say I'm stressed or tired it's likened to me saying that I have it worse. She doesn't want me to bring up verbal abuse, and she needs me to validate her perspective. She wants me to refrain from using her own words at her "I'm so low and nothing" and I'll say "I'm sorry your feeling low" and she'll say "see you can't help but make it about low, you can't even think or use your heart" if I use my own wording "I'd be so tired also if I had to do it all alone" she'll say "can't you ever just validate me instead of making it about you" it's opposites I can't win or get it right. n. It seemed like she can't  tolerate any response from me that doesn't align precisely with what she wanted to hear. Furthermore, it seems like she's painting me as incapable of offering her the right kind of comfort in a situation that she herself has shaped. It's almost as if she's intentionally creating a scenario where she can then experience a deep sense of hurt, all while I'm trying to console her using the very words she's provided.

And then she expects me to reply to texts that have come in after we've talked for hours: six hours on the phone with her and I crawled into bed shattered spoke with my partner and not 3 minutes passed and 20 texts later saying "you can't even give me peace of mind, does he know?!l" regarding my partner knowing about her and me situation.  "Keep your voice down, you want him to hear! You want him to hate me" not thinking that six hours wouldn't rouse suspicion something is wrong?

She goes through cycles of grovelling and begging to be cared for and treated right and not forgotten and then being dismissive to the point of "i don't need you, you don't love me, I'll show you and be like you and you'll see" . She berates me via text, accuses me of selective responsiveness, demands proper replies, rejects my attempts, accuses me of handholding, lying, and even sends photos of her hysterical manic crying.

She's blocked me for the sake of her mental health and has accused me of planning to abandon her. When I deny it, she hits me with a barrage of questions. She insists on answers, then deems my responses inadequate or says that the question was hypothetical and it proves how I wasn't listening as I'd know it was hypothetical if I cared to listen. Same with texts being told "if you read properly your get the point" She has been saying for the past year how I don't listen, read, or remember.

There have been instances where I've felt unheard, disregarded, and even emotionally manipulated by my sister. She has blocked me on multiple occasions, which made communication extremely difficult, currently she has blocked me and unlike all the times before it's been a month of being hooked and let go several times. I have never bloomed her except for one particular time when I blocked her after a period of push and pull, she made me regret doing it even to this day, though regularly schedules blocks due to "for my mental health and sanity, you are an unsafe person"

For example:
my sister mentioned that she was planning to take a nap. Later on, I noticed the time and sent her a quick text saying, "Don't oversleep!" To my surprise, she replied with, "You know I never sleep." This caught me off guard, as I distinctly remembered her mentioning her intention to nap earlier.

In response to her unexpected reply, she started screaming and I found myself in a situation where I felt the need to placate her by apologizing, even though I wasn't sure why my text had upset her so much.

The situation escalated, and she seemed to shift the focus onto me, blaming me for not understanding her  or with full knowledge or knowing that she never never naps and implying that I lacked thoughtfulness or awareness texting her?! As if that I ought to have known her saying she's napping should have been overridden due to my deep knowing of her as a person. But I didn't thus proving how I don't care about her. The initial argument had been about "how dare you text me" and morphed into something I couldn't predict.

Later, I realized that this incident was a clear example of contradiction on her part. Despite initially mentioning that she was going to nap, she completely denied the idea of ever sleeping when I sent my text.

This left me feeling confused and frustrated.

In hindsight, I believe I should have addressed this contradiction and confronted her about it. However, over the past days, weeks, and even months, I've often found myself giving in to her to keep the peace. where she denies things she had previously stated or done and says "did I deny doing that, so you even care to know what caused that or do you want to put your narrative on me?" This pattern has worn me down and prevented me from standing up for myself.

It's like I'm lost in a fog of her constant demands, being told "did I deny," "wrong wrong wrong," "start again," and her insistence that she chooses me by spending hours yelling at me under the guise of explaining or wanting to be heard that I seem to be denying her. that I make her explain and "you can't even say I do it for us because I don't want your assumptions and narratives that I who've to fight daily ruining us" She accuses me of running away and even uses metaphors like "put knife away" and "diagnosis and shallow take." She's asked me, "Will you listen with an open heart?" It's baffling how she's been doing this for months, while claiming she isn't blaming me "don't be a coward Dora I beg you, you are free you are such a coward, you've strung me along. You've broken my heart and you are  a coward. You don't do anything for me not the bare minimum and I see you on phone with others and I don't get that from you. I'm so stupid begging you for scraps of humanity, just lie to me if you have to"

 When I confronted her about her emotionally and verbally abusive behavior, showing evidence in texts black and white, she brushed it off, blaming my behaviour having caused her to become "someone I'm not, you've made me into someone I hate, I hate myself because of you" and I have been reassuring her constantly she's not a bad person and that I love her only for her accusing me of not caring about the context and past that causes her to be like that and say that.

She sometimes acts like a martyr, saying, "It's all me, forget the past." There's a stark contrast between how she treats me and her beliefs about herself, I've badly once said in anger and I regret, that she's cast me as her villain and she's got a victim mentality...to this day she has mentioned it daily.

Last time we spoke she ask me "for my peace of mind for my soul for my sanity please; Dora  do you hate me?" Crying hysterically after telling me the cruellest things. After telling me "you make me want to die" "your killiny me" " I HATE you" "you are worse than our mother" over and over for months. It hurts to hear her say "you will never love me as much as I love you" while reassuring and validating and placating to protect her from herself.

She labels me as arrogant and prideful for remaining silent in the face of arguments, at the start of argue back which became saying anything she needed to stop it and then remaining silent and making myself small and careful so not to trigger her. She expects me to ignore hours of abuse, blame, shame, and guilt 3/4 times a week for 3-12 hours. It's as if she wants me to pretend that it's not happening and hasn't happened. I've not made anything easy  by not acknowledging what she's doing to both of us and especially herself. I lost it and made it know how I've been planting her and that she blocks me to protect her ego, and she's afraid of screenshots because she can't handle her own abusive behaviour. When I brought this to her attention it was as if I broke her sense of self. I've spent months apologizing, repeating myself, staying silent, placating her, taking the blame, and expressing my love for her. She said "youve killer me to myself, you've been Lying to me" and saying I lack humanity, basic care, and I'm obtuse, arrogant, and selfish. She implies that I'm just using excuses and apologies and fake promises for months because I don't care and that she is nothing and I will go on to marry and have children and carry on with my life and it's all been leading to this as a means of abandoning  her.

If I cry, she accuses me of trying to hurt her. If I'm silent, she says the same. If I speak, she tells me to be quiet. If I apologize, she wants a reason why. If I provide a reason first, she tells me not to apologize unless prompted.

She's expected me to change, but she's allowed all the focus to be diverted from actually doing anything to improve her situation. She acknowledges that things like brushing teeth, sleeping, and cleaning are waiting for her, but she's preoccupied with blaming and guilting me for hours. It's like she wants a reason not to do anything. Even when I promise to support her, she changes the goal post. She was working as a carer for years and begged me to help her get another job, I applied for jobs and made her CV and supporting statements and set up an email. She got the job and now is working with harsh people and says I don't support her and hold "the one shit job you got me over my head" though all I've ever said is for her to quit and I'll support her while we find something else. She wouldn't do it yet weekly I was told I wasn't looking for anything better for her and how I take "their side" with no thought how they mistreat her at work. Every job I sent that looked something she could get I've been told is wrong or "you want nothing good for me"

What troubles me even more is her repeated claims that I'm looking for excuses to abandon her. It's ironic because I recently moved to be closer to her with my partner, indicating my commitment to our relationship. Yet, she continues to make these hurtful statements, knowing full well the efforts I've put into maintaining our bond. She has been saying several times over the past months that I'd eventually abandon her but this month (literally had an argument with me for asking if she's going to do a food shop, that she said she would, as proof of how little I know and care of her life situation to be asking her such a thing: she lives alone and has "no one who cares if I live or die") I was literally packing a house to move and she treated it as me choosing myself. She had made a big deal to be cleaning her flat, which is a sore subject as she believes that a dirty home doesn't effect mental health, and me asking if she was going to buy food derailed her plans at 4pm...

Whenever I've tried to discuss my concerns or point out inconsistencies in her actions, I've been met with intense emotional reactions. She becomes defensive, cries, and insists that she's the one who's been hurt. She regularly says i make her feel sucidal ideations and how low she is feeling "you want me to die/ you want me to be nothing/ your assumptions and opinions I can't outrun" and how I use her mental health against her when I bring up how being blames for suicidal feelings is scary and unfair she'll say "you know I won't do it and are mentioning things I've said due to how low you've made me" and "you've made me so scared for my life, you only care when I say these things and it's convent for you "It's almost as if I can't voice any dissatisfaction without facing a barrage of blame and guilt. If I say how toxic everything she says to me she'll say she's never blamed me and just wants to be heard. I am at work or with my partner or a conference I'm putting myself before her and if I speak on how it's effecting me and point out how she wouldn't be able to tolerate being told "i hate you" and sducidal blame she says "did I deny that I said that? It wasn't in that context, your degrading me knowing the past and context"

To make matters worse, she seems to twist our conversations, often questioning my intentions and assuming negative motives behind my words. The communication becomes muddled, making it impossible to have productive discussions. I've been in situations where I've been berated for hours through text messages, 150-230 texts and she then turns around and says how I am selectively responding to her messages and missing the point and "if texts are what I've done wrong okay but your so up on your high horse and I'm rotting everyday and dying to myself. If texts and words said coming from a place of pain I knew I created...I'd be upset"...if I say no or have an opinion she screams and becomes hysterical stating "I'm not trying to convince you, why can't you listen with an open heart" listening often is me having to repeat verbatim after she's spoken at me for eight to fifteen minutes  and being told "start again" or "your making me repeat myself because you don't care to listen" or "I hand hold and make it so simple and your wrong" or "yes I did say that but that's not my point" or "how cruel of you that I have to script my own comfort" or "why can't you speak from your heart" the rules keep changing and nothing satisfying her or comforting her.

Amidst all of this, there's been a lack of acknowledgment of her own actions. I've never received a genuine apology since March this year. She shifts the blame onto me, making me feel responsible for the problems in our relationship. This has led to a continuous cycle of me apologizing, placating, and trying to salvage what's left of our connection.

I've come to realize that the conditions she's set for our relationship to improve are nearly impossible to meet and all based on me changing. All of her texts of proof of me hurting her are my promises of listening better or doing right by her or treating her and telling her I love her and I'm sorry that I'm busy. It's as if I have to conform to a rigid set of expectations she's defined, which has left me feeling suffocated and unvalued. I've been forced to adopt her perspective and demonstrate insight, ownership, and change in order for any progress to be made but nothing had changed in months; the rules and blame keep coming.

Does anyone even know what the term is when you have to speak and say what someone wants to hear only? If I talk about my interests or life updates she'll say it's self serving and she's alone and I don't try to speak about things that don't benefits me. I have to end conversations talking about something light like fandom or a show or podcast after hours of placating and repenting for something that has caused offence. If I hesitate I'm told "I know you want no peace for me, you know I'm alone and will ruminate and you want me to suffer"

She has dictated when and how her needs will be met and even when I do what is being asked is met and even then she tells me  I'm ticking a list off "you can go now your off the hook" or "no I'll tell you EXACTLY what I need to hear, I can't take the pain/time/anxiety of hearing you fuck it up" or "i know this doesn't affect you one bit but I need it and you'll carry one with your life"

The emotional toll this has taken on me cannot be overstated. It's been a constant battle of feeling guilty, responsible, and inadequate. I've been made to feel like I'm the problem, and that's something I can't accept any longer.

I share this with all of you because I believe in transparency and the importance of seeking support from those around us. I hope that by opening up about my experiences, I can find some clarity and guidance on how to navigate this situation. It's not an easy decision to make, but I feel that it's time for me to prioritize my well-being and find a way to move forward.

I'm so very tired and scared.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. What you are describing here has to have become a specter over your life. This sounds very hard! I am so sorry and thankful you found us. 

I can't imagine the complexities of a twin sibling relationship that you are sorting through along with these behaviors that seem to be about your sister policing every aspect of your relationship with her.

You mention it feels like you are in the fog. That's what we are here for, each of us, to come out of fear, obligation and guilt in relationship with others who are bringing pain and difficulty to our lives through their disordered behaviors.

Really, the first step in recovering your peace of mind and life from all of what sounds like manufactured chaos is figuring out what where you end and your sister begins. If there is no space between you, no identifiable separateness, then that is a really good place to begin doing some digging and figuring out.

If someone needs six hours on the phone from you and even that is not enough it seems your sister needs something more than what you can reasonably be expected to give her.

So, as you settle in, we have great resources in the toolbox, book recommendations, and conversations taking place here on the boards. We can and will support you as you find some freedom and further insights.

What was very helpful for me was to build a circle of help around me as I began to learn where family members I loved so very much were negatively, seriously impacting my health and good life that I had made for myself. Part of the circle that helped me grow was a therapist who I could gain perspective from and who knew how to take me through the healing and growing process.

Beginning with learning about boundaries and how that works is a great jumping in place I have found. Keep coming back and sharing it helps to lighten a heavy load! 

[Doore]

Thank you so much for your warm and supportive message. Your words truly resonate with me, and I'm deeply grateful to have found this community. I really was in such a dark mindset writing my situation but seeing your message has made me feel less alone.

It's comforting to know that there's a space where I can explore and work through the challenges I'm facing. Your suggestion about building a circle of support and seeking guidance from a therapist is something I've been doing but it's been hard to let people in especially when it's something they haven't been through. Even to myself I've talked myself out of seeing this situation for the truth of it.

I'm encouraged by your warm words, support and the resources available here. Thank you for extending a helping hand during this time of growth and healing.