TRE Somatic Experiencing and Bugs

[Kittenkatboots]

A few weeks ago, I found a creepy crawly in my kitchen. I was so intent on squishing it to smithereens.

But at some point of trying to neutralize it and missing, I saw it trembling in fear. I hadn't ever stopped to think that these things are living creatures and experience fear. I immediately stopped, got a sheet of paper and scooped it up (alive) to take it outside.

In therapy, my therapist is helping me having compassion for myself and I have very much struggled with this. I can look at baby pictures of those who have hurt me deeply and sob. Wondering why would anyone ever hurt these children. But when I look at myself when I was a child, I feel so empty. I don't have any feelings. I mentally remember what I may have thought.

I mentally recall that I hated wearing dresses between the ages of 4-16 years old. I can recall that I communicated my thoughts and discomforts to my family but they never seemed to listen.

Now I'm exploring TRE (traumatic release exercises) and noticed that my legs were shaking uncontrollably. What feels like for the first time ever, I felt like I could "hold" myself. When I saw how my legs shook, I thought about the bug I saw. I identified how scared it was and that these were also shakes of fear.

It still seems so bizarre but I think I'm on the cusp of not looking at myself and my past with shame but empathy and compassion.

[xredshoesx]

gentle hugs kittenkat- this is a HUGE step forward.

i often feel like i wasn't ALLOWED to safely have feelings as a kid and that has created some interesting automatic responses for me-  when i get really angry i will make tears and to stop myself from crying i have to pinch myself or my leg will start shaking uncontrollably, almost as if to make me focus on stopping.

and like you, i can be kind to others, but still struggle in being kind to MYSELF.  it's something i think i'll work on this coming school year- giving myself the grace i am able to extend to others.

take care and be gentle with yourself today.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

KKB,  That's wonderful!  I remember the days when I thought I would NEVER be able to feel love for myself.  It's good to be reminded what a tremendous gift self-love and compassion is.  Shame is not nearly as prevalent as it was, but it still visits.  But now if a shame attack comes I can feel compassion for myself about it -- and that often transforms the shame.