After All These Years....

[tommom]

Okay, I have been married to my PD/Narc husband now for fifty years. He usually develops new skills to do all the the distracting things (as in distracting me from what I am doing to focus on him) but I am able to use tools I have learned from here, or videos or books to counter them. Recently he has developed some new ones. One is making noises like he has some sort of Tourette's (don't mean to offend anyone who truly suffers from Tourette's) and doing this while I am sleeping (he acts like he's aleep when he does this). I have had to get aggressive about getting him to stop, but worked it out. Now, without a break, he has started another.

I can usually figure out how to put these to an end, it is obvious they are ploys for attention, but his latest is a real problem for me. He gives my this very evil look -an unblinking stare, like the "killer look" of BPDs like my mom. It is VERY unnerving. It reminds me of my M and his stepfather who was also PD. (No doubt why he is doing it) I was wondering if anyone has experienced this and how you dealt with it.

And yes, I have tried doing grey rock, but he is a huge guy and it is just unnerving me..alot.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Tommom,

Sorry your PD/Narc husband does these things. Sleep deprivation is a manipulation that PD's are well known to inflict on their target.  See below for the link to the top 100 traits found in the Personality Disorders tab on the top of every page. 

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

Reminder that boundaries (find the term in the Toolbox tab above) are not to change the actions and/or reactions of another adult, but only to change our own actions and/or reactions to self protect.  There is a boundary which is effective for the nonPD to possibly get improved sleep, and on it's own, creates a bit more work for the PD to go to lengths to sleep deprive. 

If you have another room that has a bed, sleep in that room.  Otherwise, you can set up a rollaway bed or a permanent bed in another room that does not currently have a bed, and sleep there. 

SoT

[BeautifulCrazy]

I feel for you Tommom. It can be such a struggle between PD's annoying, attention getting behaviors and implementing self-protective boundaries to be less affected by them!! I don't have experience with this particular behavior, but can think of many similar. Ultimately, I left my marriage, but I did have some success enforcing personal boundaries and cultivating some sanity-saving detachment by practicing medium chill. I know you aren't new to the PD circus, or to the forum, so you are probably doing a lot of toolbox things already but I'm going to just throw a bunch of ideas and suggestions out and hopefully you can find something useful or that sparks a new idea.

Can you find something else to do or focus your attention on, somewhere else, when you notice the stare?
You will have to continue to grey rock or medium chill and give no reaction or only a light, breezy remark while you exit in order for it to work. If you leave and it can be tied (even in his mind) to his unnerving stare, you risk it being interpreted as attention/supply/reaction and possibly just fuel more of the same, or escalate.
Could you pretend not to notice and physically distance as if you just suddenly remembered the laundry or the cat or you had to go to the bathroom? Not being obvious about it, no need to JADE, simply walk away as if it was just like any other time you leave the room, with a minimum of fanfare.
It helps if you can have sort of a running list in your head of escape strategies and breezy exit lines.
Something like, "Ah, shoot, I forgot about the dryer!" You can purposely leave some laundry in the dryer in advance. Sometimes I would just pop in a clean towel or two and turn it on (or not)to use as an excuse.
"Oops, I gotta go call Marsha back!"
"Hey, I'm going to (insert errand, real or fictitious). Do you need anything while I'm out?",
A trip to the bathroom, even if you just sit there and file your nails or look in the mirror for a minute or two while composing yourself. You can even flush the toilet, run the sink if necessary. My PDh usually got bored without my attention and moved to a new activity by himself.
"Oh, there's an e-mail for work I forgot to send!"
"I'm just going to pop next door to ask about Sally's pickles." (I would use anything PDh found utterly boring).
For many of these things, I wouldn't even bother to say anything unless he asked.  I would just leave exactly as I would any other time and just go do whatever it was.

If you can't physically leave because that would be too weird or out of character for you, could you practice some responses that are medium chill non-responses? Immediately when you notice the stare, give your arms a big stretch, shake out a tense hamstring, wipe off the table, pick up a fluff off the floor and walk it to the garbage can. Anything that actively puts your attention elsewhere. The secret to success with this is to actually shift your focus to whatever is NOT the stare. Invest your energy there for real. Don't just pretend to. Busy yourself with a task and/or move right into thinking your own not- the- stare thoughts. (This was SUPER hard for me to do at first, after living my life centered around him and his actions and reactions and moods. I would busy myself and still be thinking of the stupid thing he was doing.)

Could you give it a more active disengaged response such as looking boredly or absently at his expression and saying something like, "You know, something about that face you have just now reminds me of my uncle Jack (or other random person)" and then move on to other things conversationally or leave the room? Sort of a reaction, but not the desired kind. Also not an escalating kind of reaction like comparing it to a serial killer's face or mentioning how unattractive it is, or whatever else you might privately be thinking in your head. 

In addition to having a little kit of non-responses, I found absolutely everything more tolerable about living with my PDh when I had my own routines, activities, relationships, habits etc. It was easier to genuinely be detached and disengaged from whatever shenanigans he was trying to drag me into when I truly had better things to do and better things to plan or think about. By the time I got around to leaving it was very easy for me to just observe to myself, "He's putting on his serial killer face again. That's sad. Oh well. I'm going to vacuum out the front seat of my car and see if my friend Dee wants to go get a coffee and take a walk." 

All of these things might be easier said than done and take a lot of practice, practice, practice to feel natural. They did for me anyway. Lots of role play in therapy and practice in my head and sometimes in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Keeping everything medium chill, light, airy, superficial, like speaking with an acquaintance at the grocery store. Keeping my fight or flight response in control. Breathing into, and through, the tension in my body. Cultivating true detachment.

So grateful for everyone at the forum here who are amazingly helpful and supportive and full of ideas that helped me reach a very functional and independent state of, "Oh Well" or  regarding my PDh.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome back! So many good suggestions above already. Just wanted to add mine - when, in the final days my husband gave me the death stare, I stared right back. By then I was so angry, I couldn't care less. I stared and stared, feeling my rage and looking at him. Sometimes he backed away, it felt like a victory. It wasn't really but it took away the fear and I saw him for what he is.
Sending you a big hug. Stay strong.

[tommom]

Thanks to everyone for your (always) wonderful advice. I'll be practicing some of these, for sure....