Exhausted but free

[Therivercontinueson]

Hi all, many thanks for your previous replies to my older posts, it's been helpful to know others are on a similar path and "have your back" from afar.

I am writing perhaps as a check-in / accountability post for myself. I went no contact with my severely PD'd FOO in early July. I broked contact once as they told me they'd call the police on me as they didn't know if something happened to me - I told them I am taking time for myself and not to contact me. They said fine, we are here if you need us.

Two months later and I can't believe how much they're behaviour had been weighing on me, emotionally, spiritually, physically. I am having a hugely stressful summer due to other personal factors, but now that I've ceased speaking with my FOO it's just like a huge space has cleared. Even though life is still stressful, I feel at least I have the time to worry about and problem solve huge important things, like my rocky relationship, broken fridge, stressful job, etc., - but at least these are MY things - I'm not waking up with nightmares or having panic attacks just checking my phone and seeing a message from them.

My FOO is currently relegated to the spam folder in my email, where their abusive messages are screenshotted for legal backup and then ignored. While getting a "what is wrong with you" message, (or sending me money which I also ignore) throws me off for the day, it's truly nothing compared to the psychological terror they put me through when we were in contact, even into my 30's.

Sometimes it feels too good to be true, like "wow, my life can be mine now?". When these thoughts come up I cry, and then I think an out how much work I have to do to reparent myself, and go cook a healthy meal or go for a walk or something. It's not easy but its manageable in small, small steps.

I guess there is not much to say with this post other than thanks to you all for sharing your stories, and I hope you are feeling a little bit freer too.

[Boat Babe]

Hello River. Thanks for the update and I'm glad to hear you're coping well and have the bandwidth to deal with life's normal problems. It's amazing how much time and energy we find we have when no longer subjected to abuse (of any kind).
I hope you can use this time to work on your recovery and healing. May I recommend Mindful Self Compassion as a simple yet powerful way to deal with difficult feelings. You don't need a therapist to learn this as there are excellent online resources (see Dr Kristen Neff). Wishing you well.

[Hilltop]

Hey River, I am happy to hear that life is more peaceful for you since NC.  It is eye opening how much more energy there is to focus on other things.

I also a couple of months back went NC and can relate to the energy, as well the ability to see dysfunctional behaviour in other areas of my life.  It's like doing a hard reset on a computer.  I am looking at my own behaviours as well as others. Like you say it's small steps to reparent ourselves with compassion. 

The thing I notice the most is that I'm not getting pulled along into stuff with the FOO.  With contact there was just a continuous nonstop drama, for me it was low level, which I couldn't see at the time, once I stepped away from that I could breathe easier.  Recently I was pulled into drama at work by a couple of co-workers and yes I was pulled in, I did my old patterns however this time I came out of it relatively quickly and was able to sit back and look at the situation clearly.  I wasn't so in the fog with my FOO that I couldn't see properly.  This part I find really interesting because I am now able to see more clearly where I am walking into pitfalls in my life with my own behaviour and I am trying to change some of my behaviours. I can see how before I was living with a constant anxiety. So yes small steps to move forward.

I am glad your life is back to being your own.  It took me a long time to see that I don't have to accept that in my life. They can act that way but I don't also have to accept it.