Thought experiment

[Breadroll]

Imagining what life would have been like in my FOO if certain people were not there- was quite freeing.
Growing up without those effects would have resulted in a happier
Environment for everyone, and we would not have learned to tolerate poor behavior from others later in our lives.
Imagining it gives a feeling of relief...
Is it healthy to fantasize s pd free life?

[SonofThunder]

Imagining it gives a feeling of relief...
Is it healthy to fantasize s pd free life?

Surely is for me. I label mine as daydreaming, because that term assists my desire in the practice, of keeping my feet on realistic ground. I attempt to turn my daydreams into reality through creative, proactive brainstorming that becomes a real plan of action over a determined timespan.

Imo, fantasizing is great as well, as these practices provide a boost in my mental health and some necessary mental escapism time that is not detrimental to my body. 

SoT

[Breadroll]

Thanks SoT- daydreaming is a good  way to look at it.
I had some minor contact recently and need to be mindful. I found confort in the fantasy - so it is good to hear am not alone in this practice. Don't want to sound crazy- this forum is literally the only place I could say this! When imagining a world without certain people, it seemed as though the sun started to shine.

Am getting better at boundaries ( not just with pd s), and am a work in progress ...

I like your comment about plan of action .. food for thought.

[SonofThunder]

Thanks SoT- daydreaming is a good  way to look at it.
I had some minor contact recently and need to be mindful. I found comfort in the fantasy - so it is good to hear am not alone in this practice. Don't want to sound crazy- this forum is literally the only place I could say this! When imagining a world without certain people, it seemed as though the sun started to shine.

Am getting better at boundaries ( not just with pd s), and am a work in progress ...

I like your comment about plan of action .. food for thought.

I agree with you Breadroll.  Having been raised in a home with a PDf (although I did not realize that my experiences were different than other homes), I did much fantasizing.  I enjoyed reading as a child as well, as it allowed me to venture into the stories in the books.  Growing up, life took the place of this fantasizing as time has it's own boundaries. 

I believe it would be healthy for all adults to recapture the childlike acceptance that fantasizing or daydreaming is just a normal experience.  We seem to lose something as adults in this manner and it's a bit sad.  I sometimes watch young kids play in this way, not having an adult concern on their mind, and its envious. 

You wrote:

"Don't want to sound crazy- this forum is literally the only place I could say this!".

I fully understand your comment and sadly yes, many adults will be quick to judge the practice, but any kid who does this same practice for fun, would probably ask you more about your enjoyable fantasies, in excited interest, and then tell you about their own!  I will gladly accept the child's opinion on daydreaming and fantasizing! 

You mentioned boundaries and the toolbox is large part of my planning on how I can turn my daydreams into a reality.  The toolbox imo, is healthy in interactions with adults, PD or not!  In brainstorming, my ideas must fit within the toolbox, as the toolbox has already proven very effective in my life with difficult people.  Non-difficult people need very little of my toolbox training to live among them, but I always have a full set of tools at the ready. 

I wish you the best in your boundary practice and enjoy your fantasizing!  I hope for you that you may creatively find ways in self-protective decision making, that reduce real time spent with your problematic FOO and replaces that time either with other fun solo activities or with healthy and enjoyable people in your life.  All the best!

SoT

[Breadroll]

Hi SoT thanks for reminders about toolbox - and positive feedback 😁.

My not mentioning this kind of fantasy anywhere is to avoid misunderstanding- I do not wish people harm, simply considering life paths unaffected ...

I once said to therapist whilst in deep pain re exnpdh, that the only way to cope was to pretend exnpdh was deceased.... Therapist was quite alarmed thinking I meant harm- which of course was not the case- I just realized that having no expectations and no contact was the way forward...and how ( relatively) easy it looked for widows

Note to self- do not alarm therapist!

[SonofThunder]

Hi SoT thanks for reminders about toolbox - and positive feedback 😁.

My not mentioning this kind of fantasy anywhere is to avoid misunderstanding- I do not wish people harm, simply considering life paths unaffected ...

I once said to therapist whilst in deep pain re exnpdh, that the only way to cope was to pretend exnpdh was deceased.... Therapist was quite alarmed thinking I meant harm- which of course was not the case- I just realized that having no expectations and no contact was the way forward...and how ( relatively) easy it looked for widows

Note to self- do not alarm therapist!

Hello Breadroll,

Thank you. Your further description helps my understanding of your prior word choice of "sound crazy". 

You were meaning the darker fantasizing of "thinking I meant harm". I was not considering that idea at all, but rather the milder thought of being misjudged by other adults as having a childlike quality of enjoyable fantasy role/scenario play, and therefore possible self-feelings of shame as an adult.

One of the brainstorm routes I have conducted successfully, is to consider the likes/dislikes in personal choices of the people in my life with whom I have difficulty, and compare them to my own. 

In areas of my findings where I am able to discover that preference opposites exist, I hone-in on those opposites as catalysts to create space, and in my boundaries, chose myself/my-time in self protection.  The choices I make, using my daydreaming + brainstorming, assist my ability to spend much less time with the troubling people. 

As an example, I may be daydreaming about travel for self-healing, but my FOO desires I come to their home again for a traditional get-together, but I know that gathering always leads to abuse of me as the target of a PD. I know that my FOO does not like to travel, which is opposite from me (yay!  ) Therefore travel becomes a fantastic tool I can utilize to increase the odds that my free time will be apart from my FOO. 

Since I have limited time in my life as an adult with my adult responsibilities, I need to choose my time wisely.  Most adults have this same need in time management, so my FOO trying to argue that fact falls flat. My self-protected win-win boundary decision for myself is finalized!

Ive been fantasizing about flying to the coast either by myself or rendezvousing with a friend.  Therefore, because my adult free-time is rare and wise choices are good choices, I choose to fly to the coast, and not accept my norm of the past of gathering at my FOO.  I know my FOO dislikes travel, so my FOO attempting to invite themselves into my plans is slim-to-none. 

I make my travel arrangements and start a new tradition for myself. In healthy boundary protection, I have leveraged fantasy, brainstorming and real planning that lead to my healthy self-improvement.  My FOO may be upset, but they are also adults, so that is their own issue.  I will use the toolbox to reduce contact with FOO on my electronic devices and I begin to enjoy my new tradition of calm and quiet travel. I repeat this process in other time-choice areas in my life. 

Enjoy your healthy fantasizing and/or daydreaming and I hope you may find very real ways to sidestep time with troublesome FOO.

SoT

[Hilltop]

I've thought about this as well.  I watch people who have had supportive loving families and to me they are healthier, happier, more confident.  I am sure they have problems but overall they don't show any dysfunctional patterns or behaviours.  When I then watch dysfunctional people over time you hear they have families who are not close or they say something that lets you know their family was dysfunctional.

It's so common that now if I see someone doing something dysfunctional I sort of understand they have some sort of trauma there.  The uPD's in my life all grew up with some trauma that wasn't dealt with.  I had this thought the other day that people are just running around bumping into each other, doing the best they can but still bumping along through life.

I thought what would this world look like if we all grew up in supportive loving families.  I think it would be a completely different world. I know for sure my life would be different.  I have beliefs and patterns which are dysfunctional and I am spending years, so far 2 decades, recognising this and now healing and changing it.

I really do think it's a lot more common in the community, people just don't talk about it openly.

So you say fantasy whereas I call it daydreaming.  I have day dreamed about a holiday occasion where the family gets together and it's nice.  I think this is completely normal, you are not alone at all. Trauma is suffering and so I think it's normal to fantasise about that emotional baggage being gone. 

More recently I have come to realise that's it's simply not worth it having any PD in my life.  After looking at the harm over the past few decades it just doesn't seem worth it to me.  So those day dreams about not wanting the emotional baggage in my life, well now I am turning that into reality.  NC with PD's. Sometimes those fantasies are telling you you want a change in your life.  Not that you want to do harm but that you need a change.  You want a PD free life, go for it.

[Breadroll]

thanks Hilltop and SoT....

The concept of  turning dreams into reality is inviting ...and constructive.

Some people I meet who have been through trauma are truly remarkable. There is much compassion and insight of a lot of the contributors here- so guess there is a silver lining, but my goodness - how hard won.

I feel like I need to grasp that feeling I get when I imagine growing up withoutPds.

[SonofThunder]

...so guess there is a silver lining, but my goodness - how hard won.

I feel like I need to grasp that feeling I get when I imagine growing up withoutPds.

+100

SoT