Struggling to deal with my own feelings

[capybara]

Hi everyone, I haven't really posted in a while but this web site has been such a support for me and I am struggling.

My uPD mom has had her siblings visit this summer for the first time since Covid. She has an on-and-off relationship with her sister, but is close with her brother. I really saw how much her brother just wants her to have what she wants, and how consistently she either took advantage of or ignored his efforts while putting her (difficult) sister first in everything.

She ignored my efforts too - I have kids and a job and a difficult ex (unsurprisingly about the ex). I offered to host a dinner for the whole family group (12 people), but I didn't agree to do everything as she wanted to, so she decided to host instead because my home is too small. I tried to organize two different outings, and both times she went with her sister the day before we had all planned to go. Then she got really mad at my brother because I invited him for dinner without her.

There's a whole thing with one of my kids who is her favourite - that's the only child of mine who wants to be around her now, and he moved away from me and in with his father. She has a history of undermining me with all my kids, but him especially.

I had a LOT of feelings about all that. It all got stirred up again because my kids usually see her on Fridays. Well, her partner is sick and it sounds like it might be Covid. Even if not, now would just be a terrible time for me to be sick. So she (amazingly!) told me he is sick and I said my younger kid would not sleep over, then. She had her favourite kid over for dinner anyway, without mentioning it to me. Then today we had a big argument and she tried to convince me he couldn't get sick because they only had dinner together and apart from dinner, they wore masks. She's all mad at me.

I know people deal with so much worse, but I'm just convulsed with guilt and sadness and I don't want another sleepless night. I've had therapy and everything, but whenever I stand up a bit for myself, I just feel so awful.

My partner is telling me to distance myself for a while and I know he's right but just the thought makes me so anxious. My mom and I already talk only once or twice a week, and see each other every couple of weeks.

[bloomie]

capybara - I am sorry this has sat for a bit before responding.

I know people deal with so much worse, but I'm just convulsed with guilt and sadness and I don't want another sleepless night. I've had therapy and everything, but whenever I stand up a bit for myself, I just feel so awful.

Do you see what you did there? You minimized the pain your mother's choices are causing you. What you are describing is an atmosphere of risk, favoritism, disregard, and disrespect from your mother. That is not a little thing!

It is no wonder you are filled with sadness. Your mother's behaviors seem to be causing you a lot of pain.

So, what did you learn from this family gathering time that you can use to help you set boundaries and decide what does and does not work for YOU in relationship with your mother?

When we begin to come Out of the FOG it feels uncomfortable. When we begin to set limits and distance ourselves and redirect our energy to prioritize relationships and experiences that are mutual, satisfying, build us up, it feels uncomfortable.

Is the level of contact you now have working for you or against you?

Feelings are important communicators that we want to pay attention to, however they are NOT = to facts.

You feel guilt and shame, but are you guilty of something? For example, let's say you no longer choose to plan things going forward for your extended family that might end in the plans being usurped and sabotaged by your mother. Are you guilty of something or are you setting a healthy boundary? Does that make sense?

We don't come Out of the FOG by letting the emotions run the show of our life. We honor them, even examine them, but they do not determine our character or make our decisions for us. 

Another's emotions... our mother's displeasure for example, are valid and belong to our mother's. They are not ours to mitigate or manage. Their emotions don't make decisions for us or run the show.

Getting used to feeling yucky about boundary setting is part of the journey I have found. Keep building those healthy behaviors and choices into your life. As you begin to be able to lay your head down at night and sleep and not be preoccupied with your mother, as a grown adult, you won't want to ever go back to allowing yourself to be not considered and respected again.

[capybara]

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I have come back to it several times, and it helps me every time.