Square goes into the future

[square]

It took way too long - but I just submitted the form!

I skipped the references. They'll pull my credit, which is spotless. They can ask me if they really need a reference, which would require I tell someone my plans.

Now, I know I can't put all my eggs in one basket. I should do more.

But this particular housing option is much different from the others in so many ways. If I could look into a crystal ball and know that in a year I'd get to go in, I'd be thrilled. I could either just stick it out another year, or camp out with my mom if things go south.

Well, I think I can rest here for a bit and turn my attention back to helping DD figure out education and career.

[Poison Ivy]

Good for you, square!

[SonofThunder]

Congratulations on the proactivity! 

In prayerful thought, wishing you success in receiving the acceptance. 

I will suggest you remember the old yet wonderful fact:

'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'

PD's well utilize this to get fed the attention they need, and now its our turn.

Therefore, if its possible, I recommend you call the department of housing periodically (every 30-60 days?) to inquire about your application, using your kindness and even hinting toward the urgency needed.

In addition, covertly probe around in your own circles 3-5 for anyone with a local government connection.  These family or friends may be willing to assist you in their inside connections, as the other fact that 'its who you know vs how much you know', that can be quite helpful to achieve your goals.

People love to know that they can/have been helpful, and we can leverage that feel-good to get things done.  A win-win for everyone.

SoT

[SeaBreeze]

Awesome update! Right now, every baby step equals a huge leap forward! Please enjoy the breather as you shift focus to your DD's goals. Though I agree with SoT that an opening may come up sooner than expected!

[losingmyself]

Good for you Square!!
Someone here said once that moving slowly is still moving! I hope your DD can figure out what she wants to do, but I think living together is a good idea. 
Keep moving,  at your own pace and good luck to you!
Looking forward to your updates!

[square]

Thank you all!

We've made progress with DD's goals. We ended upbwith a different medical tech field. It's difficult because she has sensory issues and other stuff that makes it hard for her to push through things she doesn't like. She made a huge breakthrough because when we realized that she would have to do blood draws, which was a hard Hell No to her, a switch kind of flipped. She was saying she can't do this and can't do that, but when faced with basically the worst thing she realized she was committed and stopped worrying about what she wouldn't/couldn't do and said she was ready to just deal with it.

It's not going to be easy but her mindset just took a major shift. Amazing to see, absolutely amazing.

However, I know this isn't going to be the end of setbacks and major hurdles. There's going to be a lot. This is going to be an Everest climbing expedition.

As for me, I got denied on my application for having too low an income. I've contacted them to see what can be done. Argh. It's a very inaccessible process, everything is by mail which I can't read, and I always wonder how DV situations work if they insist on mail. Fingers still crossed.

[BeautifulCrazy]

When I left my first husband, the local Women's DV Center helped me with potentially incriminating mail. They had a PO box for women to use as a mailing address. I had to go meet a worker to get my mail, but those five minute chats with the worker led me to more and different resources as I needed them, so it was totally worth the inconvenience.

[square]

BC, aha that does seem like a solution for mamy. Still not really disability-accessible, though, as I can't go anywhere on my own.

Here's a good update:
I went back and forth with the housing agency and they ended up accepting my application. I'm on the wait list!

No idea how long it will take.

The thing I actually have to emotionally prepare for would be a short wait, not a long one. Maybe some of you could understand the fear of actually pulling the trigger so to speak.

So I am mentally rehearsing the idea of being notified that an apartment is available.

Part of me can't wait! Whoo! I crave having an ordered, non-chaotic space. I feel like I could be productive again. I could also have people over - not that I know anybody, but that could change as well. I could move on with my life. I feel like it's just been on hold for years.

Part of me is afraid of doing it, afraid of being a bad person and bad wife.

Gosh, I never intended to be a divorced person. My parents stayed married, their parents stayed married, etc.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, square. I'm glad you're on the waiting list.

I understand the mixed feelings about getting divorced. I had them, too. I still do occasionally, but being divorced remains the better of two not always good situations.

[SonofThunder]

Awesome update.  Way to get the grease square!  You wrote:

A: "Part of me can't wait! Whoo! I crave having an ordered, non-chaotic space. I feel like I could be productive again. I could also have people over - not that I know anybody, but that could change as well. I could move on with my life. I feel like it's just been on hold for years."

Square, we know well that marriage is designed for each of us to be the helpmate of the other; supportive, strengthening and encouraging one another in the bond.  We are to become woven into one in marriage, but not lose our individuality; like two different color cords braided into one incredibly strong, multicolored rope.  What you describe is the opposite in becoming legally 'married' to a PD.  My experience as well.

You also wrote:

B: "Part of me is afraid of doing it, afraid of being a bad person and bad wife."

My experience is that I was accused of being the bad-person/bad-husband both in marriage and now separated. In the marriage, there was no mental and emotional room for me to escape the accusations and feelings and work on myself. But after separation yes!..just as your good hopes describe. 

Upon departure the feelings of being a bad-person/husband were intensely raw and powerful, exacerbated by the emotions and accusations + smearing by my stbx. I have described it elsewhere as feeling like I left my grade-school aged little girl standing scared, helpless and crying in a dark inner-city train station and walked away, while everyone watched the terrible scene unfold.  That feeling was very intense and frequent at first. Over time, the feeling has weakened in intensity, duration and recurrence and with time's march forward, I am confident that feeling will cease to reappear. I have accepted both its presence and understand we nonPD people are conditioned to feel this way. 

Last, you wrote:

C: "Gosh, I never intended to be a divorced person. My parents stayed married, their parents stayed married, etc."

I will venture to say that 'divorced' is just a legal status down at record-of-deeds office.  Referencing letter A above again, 'marriage' to a PD is also just a legal status, and becomes the PD tool of a tall locked fence surrounding our lives in relationship circles 1 and 2, that prevents the nonPD spouse and children from an easy escape and also blocks outsiders from seeing in.

My parents are still 'married' but my nonPD mother has been emotionally abused since my older sibling was born, 60 years ago. Only us in circles 1 and 2 are aware.  I do not desire to assume as an outsider in circles 3 and 4, what circle 1 and 2 truths may exist inside the tall fences of other couples who "stayed married".

Wishing you a short wait on the list and prayerful thought toward your boldness to immediately accept and scale the high fence and walk away in the adventure of turning unknowns to knowns. 

All the best,

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Square, congratulations on your progress! How wonderful that you have hopes of an ordered, safe home and the possibility to host some people. I can relate to the reluctance to divorce, I am no contact with my NPDh for over 5 years now, yet when he filed for divorce earlier this year, it sent me in a dark, cold , downward spiral. I am the first person in my family to get divorced, the thought of it fills me with fear, a feeling of failure , rejection and being an outcast. I know this is irrational and the change of my legal status won't make any difference to the life I have built for myself in the last 5 years, yet there I am with these unpleasant feelings. I now take them as just another task to get through, a consequence of having a faulty picker when it comes to men.
I keep my fingers crossed that you get offered a safe place sooner rather than later. It will be such a big step forward in your healing.

[SeaBreeze]

Woot, huzzah, high fives and fist bumps!

You're making great strides, which I know can make for a sense of accomplishment but can also feel overwhelming.

One thing that helped me, both before I left uNPDh, and afterward while waiting to move into my apartment, was making lists of what I'd need to do, buy, etc for a new home. It helped organize my ideas  and proactively plan, rather than feeling like I was just waiting. It built excitement and allowed me to positively visualize life on my own. Best of all, it gave me a project to focus on -- one that for the first time in years -- was not PD-related. DS got involved by picking out what he wanted for his room, and window shopping with me for kitchen stuff since he likes to cook. (Note: we did a lot of this online.) By move-in day (which came sooner than expected!) we were ready!

Keep us posted! You know we are all rooting for ya!

[losingmyself]

Congratulations on the acceptance, Square!!
The guilty feelings come to us all, because a grown person has convinced us that we need to do everything, to be their caretakers. And since we're empathetic people, we take on that roll, little by little, year after year, until we're running ourselves ragged doing all the work, and their sole purpose in life is to tell us and anyone in earshot how we're doing it all wrong. And so we try harder. And they smile. Because we are giving them all our attention. They win.
So stopping this behavior suddenly is a shock to our system. Who will take care of them if we don't? They will. They will need to figure it out because they're adults who have the same resources we do, and we figure it out.
So go! Be free! Fill your mind with the good stuff, like suggested by many here! Convince your mind that you and your DD will move out eventually. Maybe next month, or next year. You'll be ok, and he'll have to figure it out.
Do I feel guilty that my XH lives in a crappy apartment and I live in my nice home? Nah. It's sad, really. If I can have a home, he can. He'd just rather play victim.

I'm glad you didn't take no for an answer from the housing authority!! Congratulations!!!

[square]

Thank you all so much.

SoT
I will venture to say that 'divorced' is just a legal status down at record-of-deeds office.

Yes, I see what you're saying. And the divorce is indeed mostly done, in that sense. But not entirely.

Honestly, I can't imagine it ever being truly complete, even after moving out, signing the papers, etc. One way or another, we are bonded. But I can live with that.

SeaBreeze
One thing that helped me, both before I left uNPDh, and afterward while waiting to move into my apartment, was making lists of what I'd need to do, buy, etc for a new home.

That is a good idea. Interestingly, reading this caused a physical lurch in my gut. Not for the reason I would have expected either. I'm not sure I can quite put my finger on it, but it's something like this:

I am a planner, and while I do not adhere rigidly to lists and such, I do enjoy them as organizational tools, and enjoy the feeling of agency that goes with it.

These last years I have lost a large sense of agency. Due to an absolute mountain of broken promises plus limited physical agency due to blindness, I've learned that my plans are for naught. Having plans (and hopes) started becoming quite painful as they were thwarted over and over again.

I learned to stop having hopes or plans. And the idea of planning for this new space, which normally I would like to do, is making me feel just sick.

I think it's a manifestation of how much I want to plan it, that my body says no, it will hurt too much to do it.

I will be musing on this. It's more of a psychological exercise, because in practicality I believe I can pull this together pretty quicky, though there will be a few stressors (mainly finding movers, but I even have an idea for that in the back of my mind).

losingmyself
The guilty feelings come to us all, because a grown person has convinced us that we need to do everything, to be their caretakers.

You're absolutely right. He genuinely believes it is my responsibility to solve his problems. Funny he doesn't believe he is responsible for solving any of mine.

losingmyself
Convince your mind that you and your DD will move out eventually.

Yeah, this is it, the big task. I have to convince first the front of my brain, because not even it believes it. Then I have to convince my subconscious brain. The part that goes NO!!!!! when I think about making any plans.

losingmyself
I'm glad you didn't take no for an answer from the housing authority!!

Thank you! I kept SoT's "squeaky wheel" advice in mind as I kept pushing. I tend to take no for an answer, and mostly that is good, but this time it seemed worth it to keep trying.

It wasn't anything hostile, I just kept offering additional ideas on how I might meet the spirit of qualifying even if not the letter. One of my ideas seemed to satisfy them.

[escapingman]

I am so pleased to read your updates Square, keep on the good work and focus on yourself!

[square]

A question for you fine folks.

DD was just venting to me that her father was complaining about something about me. Normally that stuff rolls off okay but this one hurt because of how totally untrue it was. I had a flash of anger and the urge to confront him but after a few minutes I calmed down.

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask DD to not pass along stuff her dad says sbout me anymore, but then I wondered if hearing this stuff is better for me.

I can easily sort of lull myself back into a weird belief that things are okay-ish. So reminders, jolting as they may be, might be a bitter medicine I need to take.

Thoughts?

[notrightinthehead]

So, if I understood you right, your husband talks trash about you to your daughter. This hurts you as it would. Now you believe that you need that pain as a reminder that your opinion of him is correct and that your wish to live somewhere else is justified. Maybe you could write down all the smack he said about you, and read it back to yourself or record it and play it, when doubt arises.

Does your daughter want to listen to him when he talks badly about you? If not, make her aware that she can remove herself. My daughter used to hang up on her dad when he started talking about me. So he stopped, she tells me. Maybe that would be an option for her too?

I think you have been hurt enough. Its time to protect yourself from further hurt if you can. And time for your daughter to learn some protective strategies too.

[square]

I gotta be honest, DD and I were complaining about him at the time, and that was part of her vent. I gotta stop that.

Sorry

I resolve it, will go cold turkey, I'm done.

[square]

To be clear, I don't think I'm trashing him or anything, but I definitely should just zip it up.

H wanted a puppy recently. He had not cared for our previous dog well (lived her but didn't exercise her or anything), so I didn't want another dog. I told him I didn't want one but wouldn't stop him, and said I would not be taking care of it. (I love animals but had to draw this line). DD full on objected (same exact reasons aa me) and H made all sorts of promises about taking care of it and getting it trained and everything. DD and I are veterans of broken promises and knew better.

So he gets the dog and it goes exactly as we predicted. DD asks him a few times a week if he has been exercising the dog, if he arranged for obedience classes, etc. I've said nothing at all about it. I gave up long ago, as long as my child has food and medical care I will either manage myself or let it go.

So it was like this.

DD: Ugh, Dad just ignores the dog and she needs attention.

Me: Sigh. Yeah.

DD: She tries to nip me when she is full of energy and he doesn't even care.

Me: Ugh. I'm sorry, kid. It's crazy to me to hear that. He wasn't always like that, years ago he would have wanted to protect you. I just hate that it's like this now.

DD: Yeah I kinda remember. But he just doesn't care anymore and thinks breaking promises is fine and that I should just leave him alone. When I ask him if he's arranged for obedience school, he says "you're always on my case, just like your mother."

And that kinda triggered me because of the degree I have allowed our lives to descend into madness in order to avoid asking him anything at all. The idea that he considers me not making a peep for years on end to be a massive nag just breaks my brain.

It was crummy of him to do a "just like your mother" jab at DD as well. But frankly it just hit a bullseye for me. Not because it's that nasty, gosh, something like it is probably said in billions of houses tonight alone. But it breaksy brain. I feel like I may as well just ride his butt about everything since he thinks I am anyway.

It also just feels like a visceral invalidation. He is saying I'm not worthy of asking for food or rides fo doctor appointments, which are the red line I've drawn. Much less the stuff I don't ask for like for him to mow the lawn or throw his own trash away or to wake up before 9pm or do the taxes or or or or.

Sorry about the rant

[Poison Ivy]

I'm on your side 100%, square. This would break my brain, too.