Trying to find my place

[Pepin]

DH is offsite for work and is currently now dealing with an employee health crisis.  It is eye opening to see how he is diving in to help this employee.  And this has actually been a growing pattern lately.  He has gone from one employee to another, trying to apply his hero traits in order to solve "their" problem. 

While he does do this at home to a degree, it doesn't seem to be with the same momentum behind it.  I was ill a few weeks ago.  I was largely left alone to fend for myself as I healed.  I just dozed on and off on the couch as I wasn't able to do anything else.  DH didn't seem to fawn over me or even ask if I needed anything.  In fact, he didn't even suggest anything to try or do in an effort to help me feel better.  The more I think about this, the more unnerved I am feeling. 

Without CN MIL in our lives, I was secretly hoping that DH would pay more attention to me and stop being the hero like he was to her and his FOO.  I realized that all along he was been avoiding me... using anyone (CN MIL mostly) or anything to create space.  It all makes sense now why I feel ugly and overlooked -- because I am not ugly.  But for whatever reason, I worry that I repulse him.  I was a good mother to our now adult children - and perhaps he was jealous of that because he wanted that, too rather than being parentified.  CN MIL was also jealous of me -- for being the spouse she wanted to be but failed to do.  She was also jealous that DH was my spouse as he was all that FIL was not.  I know, so much absurdity here.  I am not pedestaling myself here....I behave from a place of giving to my children what my younger self would have wanted and what my current self wished others could do for me as I do for them.  But I do have limits of course. 

I don't know why DH is always running away from me?  I don't support him behaving like a hero because I feel as though it detracts from his sense of self -- which seems to be lessening for him by the day.  The further we get from CN MIL's death, the more I hope that he will ditch this hero mentality.  But, I'm starting to have doubts when I see him grasping at whatever he can latch onto to seemingly fulfill his false sense of self.  He certainly isn't gravitating towards me and I don't really know what to do about it.  I don't think I matter anymore to him like I did when we first met. 

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband took care of his old, sick parents for many years. He received much acclaim for this from people he knew (including my family) and people he didn't know. I would have admired him more for the caregiving he provided his parents if not for the facts of what he did and didn't do during his many years of caregiving: 1) He didn't help take care of our house. 2) He didn't engage in parenting. 3) He contributed only minimally to our finances and was grudging about doing so. 4) He ghosted me (didn't call or send emails and didn't respond to my emails). 5) During the time when he was splitting weeks between his parents' home and our home, he scheduled his activities such that there was no time for us to do things together. Ex: He allotted lengthy periods for using the bathroom and shower and getting ready for bed and made clear that these could not be interfered with, even though between those activities and his very part-time job in town, he had no time left to be with me.

I still feel like dirt on the bottom of his shoes because of this, and we've been divorced for 7 years.

[Pepin]

Poison Ivy - such a sad recounting of truths that I similarly share.

My husband struggles to help maintain our home....always some sort of excuse.  When CN MIL was alive, he used her as an excuse.  I was always the driving force behind getting things done and repairs made. 

Parenting....another sad thing to tick off - I did most of the parenting because I was always the one there.  While I didn't travel for work, I expected that when he returned that he would spend time with us but instead he needed to check in with his mother first.  Our time was divided between us and her.  As a couple we hardly had time to ourselves and that was unfortunate.  If we were to do something he thought that his parents could watch the kids...but it wasn't so easy to do considering all their aging, health and language issues.  And having them watch our kids would mean that they would get to ask for something in return - because that is how they operated.  Everything was always tit for tat with them.  Always strings attached.  Our kids preferred fun teenagers as their babysitters anyway...not grandparents that always needed help with things and who were not very engaging. 

Like you, as a result of all of this, I do have moments about feeling terrible about myself.  How could I be the eye of his affection and then after having kids suddenly find myself competing for attention?  Maybe he was upset with me for having the kids more than him - but that was no reason to use his mother to divide us.  I wish he had worked more on our marriage and spent time with our kids. 

Everyone thought that my DH was the dutiful son....no one ever said he was a good husband or father. 

[SonofThunder]

Hi Pepin,

Sorry your DH is so difficult.

"I was largely left alone to fend for myself as I healed.  I just dozed on and off on the couch as I wasn't able to do anything else."

"I don't think I matter anymore to him like I did when we first met."

My experiences with my stbx. 

You wrote:

"I don't know why DH is always running away from me?  I don't support him behaving like a hero because I feel as though it detracts from his sense of self -- which seems to be lessening for him by the day."

Pepin is there a chance that he's not actually running away from you, but has always been running TOWARD 'self', even when it was directed at CN MIL, now gone, directed at others as a 'hero'...but really always about 'self'?

Was there a time in your life, when he was truly and steadily running toward you, possibly as your hero or just being your equal, never needing to be a hero to you or anyone at all?

SoT

[Pepin]

Was there a time in your life, when he was truly and steadily running toward you, possibly as your hero or just being your equal, never needing to be a hero to you or anyone at all?

You know....I really thought that when we met that we were equals.  We both brought the same energy to our relationship.  We both worked and spent time with each other without anyone else interfering.  His parents lived a plane ride away so they were never an issue.  There wasn't anyone that he gravitated to at all.  Which is why this has been confusing.  I thought that we would always have each other's back even when we had kids.  It almost seemed as though having kids gave him an out as of course I was the one that spent more time with them.  And because I was able to handle the additional load of having kids without asking for much help, I guess he just decided to dip his toe back into his FOO.  And CN MIL never really liked me...so of course she would sink in her claws.  She couldn't survive without DH and was going to make sure that he made up for lost time after he moved out for college and employment.  Someone was going to pay and it was going to be me.  The fact that my husband couldn't see what she was doing makes me sick.  Makes me resent him even more.

[SonofThunder]

Was there a time in your life, when he was truly and steadily running toward you, possibly as your hero or just being your equal, never needing to be a hero to you or anyone at all?

You know....I really thought that when we met that we were equals.  We both brought the same energy to our relationship.  We both worked and spent time with each other without anyone else interfering.  His parents lived a plane ride away so they were never an issue.  There wasn't anyone that he gravitated to at all.  Which is why this has been confusing.  I thought that we would always have each other's back even when we had kids.  It almost seemed as though having kids gave him an out as of course I was the one that spent more time with them.  And because I was able to handle the additional load of having kids without asking for much help, I guess he just decided to dip his toe back into his FOO.  And CN MIL never really liked me...so of course she would sink in her claws.  She couldn't survive without DH and was going to make sure that he made up for lost time after he moved out for college and employment.  Someone was going to pay and it was going to be me.  The fact that my husband couldn't see what she was doing makes me sick.  Makes me resent him even more.

Im sorry that your marriage to DH has evolved to this point Pepin.

In understanding and camaraderie,

SoT