NC During Medical Emergencies

[completelyperdue]

My aunt called me a couple of days ago before I left on a business trip that my uNPD/HPD mom who I have been in NC with for two years was in the ICU with a "down there" infection that turned serious.

The reason I have been NC is a little complicated, but it basically boils down to my uNPD/HPD mom's ex-con boyfriend threatening me and my mom backing him up on threatening me. I went NC immediately since my uNPD/HPD mom obviously cared more about some dude being her narc supply than her own kid.

I explained to my aunt that I have been NC for two years, and my aunt was like," Well, it's up to you to make things right."  I wanted to go off on her, but she probably does not 100% know the situation since I barely talk to her. At this point, I know it would have to be my uNPD/HPD mom making those efforts since going NC was not something I took lightly, and this was after dealing with years of abuse from her. However, I know from this site that more than likely would have fallen under JADE would have not really gotten anywhere since people like my aunt and uncle are the "buT ShE's yOuR mOtHeR" types.  

My non-PD sister is listed as the main point of contact for the ICU, and we have been keeping in touch about my uNPD/HPD mom's condition.

It has been hard because there is that part of me that is tempted to break NC, but the last time this happened my uNPD/HPD mom requested not to talk to me but to my non-PD sister instead and I respected that. It probably is the same situation today, so there really is not anything I can do other than wish that my uNPD/HPD recovers well from this. I wish that this would be a wake up call or the event that would make my uNPD/HPD mom wake up to what lead me to go NC, but as many of us in this forum know that the chances of that happening are slim to none when it comes to PDs admitting mistakes and/or apologizing for past transgressions.

I was wondering how others have handled medical emergencies while being in NC and family members who are the "but they're your ____" types. I know I'm probably not the first person who has dealt with this situation, and I know I won't be the last.

Thanks in advance for any advice anyone can give.

[moglow]

I've not been there yet, but I'm sure that's coming. Difference for me is, mother's siblings are all gone and she's cut just about everyone else off. It'd be a matter of simply passing along information - I doubt anyone will change current communication levels and with good reason. That said ...

NOBODY has the right to tell you "Well, it's up to you to make things right." Well, clearly they *can* but all that is, is their opinion. Take it for what it's worth and adjust accordingly. Or not. Why is it up to you, anyway? Because they know damn good and well she's not going to do anything, knowing who she is? It's entirely possible they see a whole lot more than we think, and are thinking to help you in some way. Or it's just all wishful thinking on their part.

CP, file it all away as information. You don't have to do anything, and most assuredly not because someone outside your situation is forcing their limited views on you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I haven't been there with a medical emergency, but I sure have heard, "It's up to you to fix this." Mo is right. That's one woman's opinion. One woman who probably at the end of the day has her own agenda. One woman with whom you barely speak. To whom you owe no explanation.

It's okay if she is disappointed.

You are keeping in touch with your sister and that is the best you can do right now. That really is enough. In my opinion, anyway.

[moglow]

One other thing - Consider not sharing your viewpoint [position?] in future, except with your chosen people, those who are in your corner and you know will listen you off the ledge when needed. Others can think what they like, share what they wish, and you can answer with "thank you. I'll certainly keep that in mind," and quietly be on your way, no harm no foul. Everybody doesn't need to know the rest of the story. YOU know what's best for you and that truly is all that matters.

[JustKathy]

Hi completelyperdue,

I was NC while my Nmother was terminally ill and never broke it. It was rough, and I paid a hefty price, but I now realize the outcome would have been the same.

I'll try to keep this short, but I was NC when my father called to tell me my mother had a tumor on her heart and only a few months to live. He demanded I make an extended visit to "make things right" with her. I was living out of the area at the time and both my husband and I had jobs we couldn't walk away from. I said no.  Well, her "two months to live" ended up being five years. I'm not sure if the original diagnosis was exaggerated or if she passed from something unrelated, but I remained NC the entire time.

After she passed I was disinherited and ended up losing my siblings to a smear campaign, but I'm pretty certain that outcome would have been the same even if I had made the hospital visit. My therapist at the time warned me that a visit would likely hurt me as narcs use illness and/or impending death to further guilt the scapegoat and twist the knife one last time. I'm sure that would have happened and am glad I spared myself the trauma.

One thing I can say with near certainty is that breaking NC for a medical emergency isn't likely to go well. Illness, and eventually death, is a narc's greatest weapon. They will use it to guilt you and shame you. They will NOT thank you, apologize, or tell you that you are loved. It's all about THEM.

You went NC for a reason. It's not up to you to make things right, because as you well know, you can't. I had one aunt tell me I had to fix "that thing you have with your mother." That "thing" was child abuse, so, no.

Don't let other people guilt you into breaking NC. You know what's best for you. Sending hugs as you navigate through this difficult time. One thing we all have to face as our PD parents age is sickness and death. It's not easy. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think illness and potential or actual end of life tend to become weaponized by those with PD. They can use it to manipulate others. Their orders or demands or expectations however are not your weight to carry. It is just what they do, and it can stay there. 

I think you did well to control the impulse to go off on your Aunt upon her statement that it was up to you to make things right. To me, not only is that inaccurate but it is hugely triggering. I have withheld similar responses just because I knew my counter-point would be happily taken as an example of my lack of caring and would be fodder for smearing. 
 
What I experienced is that they do not take this time to reflect and realize what they did to hurt you that lead to NC. They do not wake up or apologize. If you engage and break NC, they do not appreciate your re-emergence in their lives. You might sense an immediate release of pressure, but it is just because they offload it on you. They think "you are back" and dump things on you like always. Your status in the family does not improve. It actually seems to re-ignite simmering hatred. If you then resume NC again, the smear campaign seems fueled with new fury. That is what happened to me anyway. I found no personal advantage or gain. Nothing got better for me. Breaking NC during my parent's illness was only a deficit of my time, energy and my goodwill.
 
Whatever you decide, do it for you and what feels right for you regardless of what others think or say.

[lkdrymom]

You are NC for a reason and I don't see why a medical emergency changes things.  My other point is that if your mom really wanted to hear from you, she could make the first gesture.  As far as your Aunt thinking you should just make it right, I assume she is of the boomer generation or older? I found with my parents and grandparents, 'rug sweeping' was the preferred method of dealing with things unless they were the wronged party. Everyone else was just being too sensitive. Or there was that one person in the family that was allowed to get away with the most atrocious behavior and everyone was just supposed to get over it.

[Forsythia]

Hello Completelyperdue,

"I was wondering how others have handled medical emergencies while being in NC..."

Very good that you are stepping back to ask what you might expect as consider your options. Also glad to hear you have a non-PD sis who is the main contact.

I'm new to the forum, but...  Staying NC through the hyped-up and real 'emergencies' was a bit of a bumpy ride only insofar as I judged myself for not caving in to the sick habit of running back to comfort them.  NC was much preferable for me and years later I am so glad I maintained NC throughout.  The medical establishments did their medical treatments, and flying monkeys earned their bonus points by faking newfound bedside concern.  In the early days of NC, I did once phone the hospital to see how uNPDm's giant deadly tumor removal was going.  Turns out it was a tiny benign mole removal for cosmetic reasons. My name had already been smeared to the station nurse who, even though I disguised my name & voice, easily figured me out and shamed me over the phone. 

Not saying that would happen to you...

Wishing you strength and peace throughout the situation.  You are not alone.

[moglow]

Side note: Plenty of enabling family members rug sweep on the regular, particularly when someone has the audacity to stand up for themselves. It's not by any means restricted to older generations. 

[Poison Ivy]

My thoughts about medical emergencies are the following: 1) A person might want to see or communicate with the ill person before the ill person dies, but this desire is not the same as "making things right." 2) I think it's appropriate to tell the person who isn't ill that the ill person is ill, if the person who is ill has given permission for the sharing of this information or someone else, using their best judgment, decides to share the information. 3) The person who is not ill should not feel compelled to reach out to the ill person, but they shouldn't feel guilty about any decision they make about communication. 

[completelyperdue]

Hi Everyone.
I'd like to thank you for all of your words of encouragement and support during this tough time.
I ended up breaking NC because my uNPD/HPD mom has gone from an infection to possibly a serious cancer, and I decided to visit since the prognosis is not good and un-PD sister is not able to come to town until next week.
My mom wasn't 100% cognizant of what was going on, but she was really happy to see me. I planned on not staying long anyways, and she was about to go for another test which gave me an excuse to leave quickly.
She did tell me she loved me, but she tried to defend the boyfriend and his actions saying that he had a "rough" life which I am not buying for a second. Upon reflection, she is not sorry for the circumstances that led me to go to NC and the other circumstances that reaffirmed NC, which at this point is her usual MO. I'm not sad or upset about it at this point because I let that person who I knew as my mother go a long time ago.
I do not know if I will visit her again since I got what I've referred to in therapy as "good mommy" since my uNPD/HPD mom could flip from being "good mommy" to "bad mommy" in the drop of the hat. I'd rather just remember this potential last visit on the "good mommy" note.
At least it seems like her affairs are potentially in order and my un-PD sister is MPOA, so at least the ex-con boyfriend is not calling the shots.
For right now, all we can do is wait until the doctors have finished their tests and let us know what the cancer is and how much longer she will live.
Really, thank you again everyone for your words and support.