Should I go?

[Adria]

We are driving to our home state this coming weekend to see some friends and dh's mother.  It sounds like my narc father is in really rough shape and could possibly pass the week we are there.  Bad timing.  Haven't seen anyone in nearly three decades. Wondering if it goes that way, if I should stop in at the viewing or not? I wouldn't stick around or go to the funeral. Part of me, I wonder if it would be good to get some closure, and also look everyone, including my sisters, in the eye as I'm walking out. Or, maybe it would just cause me more grief. I don't know.

[Boat Babe]

That's a tough one Adria. I suppose you need to clarify, for yourself, what you hope to achieve by either going or staying away. Will you regret going if it gets ugly? Will you regret not going in the ensuing silence? In situations like this, I always advise people to imagine their best friend is in this dilemma and to ask what they would advise the friend to do. The answer is invariably a rational one stripped of our own personal feelings. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you courage and self compassion.

[SonofThunder]

Will you regret not going in the ensuing silence?... Whatever you decide to do, I wish you courage and self compassion.

I had many situations over the years with my stbx, where the manipulative double-bind choices at the time, caused me to not attend these types of events (happy and sad events in the life of my foo family members) and then regret not going. Afterward, I believe the weight of my regret was heavier than the potential abuse I would have faced by stbx for rowing upstream.  Wishing you the best.

SoT

[Adria]

Boat Babe and SonofThunder,

It's ironic that this is the first vacation dh and I have planned in years. Wanted to go back and visit some friends. And, now this!

My narc father and sisters have been the source of all of the destruction and anguish in my life.  Their smear campaign turned my relatives and nearly the whole town against me, so it is very stressful to go back.

I woke up trembling inside thinking about it this morning. However, I can't help but wonder if God's timing may be at play here. Maybe it's time to face them all, see my dad, and finally get some closure.

I didn't think I could do it.  Too hard. But, after reading your posts, I understand what you are saying.  This might be my only chance,.

Thank you so much for your  wise words.  I think I know what I have to do.  Hugs, Adria
 

[SonofThunder]

Boat Babe and SonofThunder,

It's ironic that this is the first vacation dh and I have planned in years. Wanted to go back and visit some friends. And, now this!

My narc father and sisters have been the source of all of the destruction and anguish in my life.  Their smear campaign turned my relatives and nearly the whole town against me, so it is very stressful to go back.

I woke up trembling inside thinking about it this morning. However, I can't help but wonder if God's timing may be at play here. Maybe it's time to face them all, see my dad, and finally get some closure.

I didn't think I could do it.  Too hard. But, after reading your posts, I understand what you are saying.  This might be my only chance,.

Thank you so much for your  wise words.  I think I know what I have to do.  Hugs, Adria
 

Adria,

I will be prayerfully thinking of you for strength and determination. 

Imo, obtaining "closure" is a self-provided, self-protected goal; a proper boundary on our own actions and reactions that we believe are required/desired in these situations, with zero actions/reaction needed from any others.

Ime, PD's will purposefully attempt to stir up new/past dust to prevent 'closure' as a power-feed for themselves, so it would be fantastic if you are able to accomplish what you desire and then depart with your protective boundaries fully intact, knocking any PD dust off your sandals upon your exit. 

SoT

[Adria]

Thank you SonofThunder for the thoughts and prayers.  Means everything right now as I am in a bit of a whirlwind emotionally.

Imo, obtaining "closure" is a self-provided, self-protected goal; a proper boundary on our own actions and reactions that we believe are required/desired in these situations, with zero actions/reaction needed from any others.

Ime, PD's will purposefully attempt to stir up new/past dust to prevent 'closure' as a power-feed for themselves, so it would be fantastic if you are able to accomplish what you desire and then depart with your protective boundaries fully intact, knocking any PD dust off your sandals upon your exit.

I know, it will be difficult with the boundary thing because I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. But like you said, it will be imperative to keep myself protected. What you said here gives me so much strength. Thank goodness, I have a few days to psych myself up. Hugs, Adria

[moglow]

I will be prayerfully thinking of you for strength and determination.

Imo, obtaining "closure" is a self-provided, self-protected goal; a proper boundary on our own actions and reactions that we believe are required/desired in these situations, with zero actions/reaction needed from any others.

Ime, PD's will purposefully attempt to stir up new/past dust to prevent 'closure' as a power-feed for themselves, so it would be fantastic if you are able to accomplish what you desire and then depart with your protective boundaries fully intact, knocking any PD dust off your sandals upon your exit.

SoT

Couldn't agree more with brother SoT, on all of the above! Adding my prayers and thoughts to his ...

So many times I hear or read, "s/he/they didn't/won't give me closure," as if that's somehow in someone else's gift. It feels like a pause awaiting another's responsibility when truly it's not. For many of us, if we sat back waiting for others it'd be a very long time in coming, if ever. These days I liken it more to the idea of lagniappe (a little something extra) than anything I need from others.

Not wanting to hurt others is a noble goal - remember too that you're not and never will be responsible for their choices. I know of some who love nothing better than to assume the worst first, then act on that. I'm just now learning how little that choice has to do with me or anything I could possibly say or do. I make a point to go forward with a pure heart and they can do the same.

You hang in there - take this time to center and anchor yourself. We're here with you. :hugs:

[Adria]

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers Moglow. I really do appreciate it.

I know of some who love nothing better than to assume the worst first, then act on that. I'm just now learning how little that choice has to do with me or anything I could possibly say or do. I make a point to go forward with a pure heart and they can do the same.[quote/]

It is so true. They all took my dad's and my sister's lies as gospel and marched to the same step (albeit because my dad has deep pockets. I never let him hold his money over my head, so he did everything in his power to destroy me.

Maybe it will be easier than I think. Maybe I can skate in and out without interference as it seems they are all afraid to talk to me for fear of retribution. Except that the ring leader (my dad) will not be able to pull the strings anymore. I guess there's no way of knowing until I get there.  I just want to get in and out as quick as possible.

Like you said, I will move forward with a pure heart and let them be. They all knew who I was, but they chose to join the dark side.

[kjah]

Hi, Adria.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this quandary.

Maybe the way forward is to figure out what you 1) think "closure" involves and 2) imagine looking your sisters in the eye will accomplish.

If you are more focused on internal experience -- e.g., how YOU will feel showing up, looking people in the eye, etc. -- your experience won't be so dependent on what others whom you do not control do/don't do.  On the other hand, if you are more focused on what someone else's reaction will be, there is more of a risk that you will find the experience negative because you can't control it.

Of course, life is rarely so neat that it offers such simple either-or situations....

Maybe a third way of looking at it is to realize that, no matter what you decide, you can frame it as an opportunity for learning and growth.  In that case, you can't go wrong, no matter what you decide (though that's not to say that what you decide will be easy or comfortable).

Best wishes!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I pulled this out of your recent posts:

"I have been estranged from my family for over 30 years.  Nobody called when my mom died, nobody called when they threw my son in the hospital, no body called when my close aunt died (close when I was younger). Nobody ever calls to tell me anything important.  Then I am shamed for not being at the funeral (at least that's what I've heard has been done behind my back.)"

Then that whole business with your aunt dying happened and once again you were not informed and you sent flowers to the funeral. Is your other aunt you keep in touch with keeping you up to date now about your father? Why did she not tell you about the aunt's passing? It's all very confusing.

This is clearly a potentially high-drama situation for you. I really like kjah's perspective. I agree that it's important to be really clear on what your goal is here. Continued hugs and prayers for you, and for your father as he prepares to meet his maker. Going out of this world in bitterness toward you and playing these exclusionary games to the end is really not a good look.

[Adria]

Kjah,

If you are more focused on internal experience -- e.g., how YOU will feel showing up, looking people in the eye, etc. -- your experience won't be so dependent on what others whom you do not control do/don't do.  On the other hand, if you are more focused on what someone else's reaction will be, there is more of a risk that you will find the experience negative because you can't control it.

Maybe a third way of looking at it is to realize that, no matter what you decide, you can frame it as an opportunity for learning and growth.  In that case, you can't go wrong, no matter what you decide (though that's not to say that what you decide will be easy or comfortable).

Love this! That is what I'm trying to figure out. The third one might make everything easier. I could probably pull that off as I always think that each experience is a chance for growth and learning. I really like that a lot. Thank you so much Hugs, Adria


Cordelia,

My other aunt did not tell me about auntie's passing.  I thought it strange, but let it go because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time.  Then I called her and she mentioned about my father, but told me not to tell anyone. I said, "I don't have anyone to tell."

Now, she too, doesn't seem to want to give information, all of a sudden.  I questioned her, and she said, "If they find out I'm talking to you, they will quit talking to me."  I said, "Don't worry about it. I won't bother you anymore. I can read about my dad in the obituaries." 

That's it!  I'm done.  I guess, I'll just have to see how I feel when I get to my home town.  I'm not sure at this point if it is worth putting myself through it.  But, along with everyone here, dh says that 15 minutes of being uncomfortable might give me the closure I've longed for, for the past three decades. I've done so much on my own and have had to be so strong over the years, I'm sure I  will be equipped to do this too, if I feel it's what I need to do. Thank you for everything. Hugs, Adria

[moglow]

Now, she too, doesn't seem to want to give information, all of a sudden.  I questioned her, and she said, "If they find out I'm talking to you, they will quit talking to me."  I said, "Don't worry about it. I won't bother you anymore. I can read about my dad in the obituaries."

Well. That's disappointing of her. Isn't this the one whe dared suggest it was on you to make things right?! So she's fully aware and doesn't have courage to face it down. It's just such a disappointment.

You can quietly slip into the visitation or service and dip out when you choose. No need to have any interaction with anyone if you don't want to. Whatever tantrum they choose is all on them.

[Adria]

Yes, Moglow, She ended up being a big disappointment as well.  What is this, middle school? Dh says, "They are a bunch of gutless wonders."

You can quietly slip into the visitation or service and dip out when you choose. No need to have any interaction with anyone if you don't want to. Whatever tantrum they choose is all on them.

Yup, my daughter came over this morning and helped me pick out what outfit to wear. It's great! So, if I go, I can walk in looking nice and feeling confident. They are all sellouts.  It's so hard to believe.  Still following marching orders when the guy calling the shots is now incapacitated.  They must be looking for a pretty big payout.  But, you know how the narcs are,  they may have all been led on for nothing.  Who knows?  I just can't imagine living my life like that for any amount of money.  In a way, I'm relieved, sad, but relieved that I don't have to wonder about any of it anymore.  Time to move on and let them all go.  Thank you for everything. Hugs, Adria