Time to stop thinking about them and get on with life

[Hilltop]

Thinking about it recently and I have spent the past couple of decades interacting with uPD parents and inlaws.  The ups and downs of those relationships, the hurt, anger, frustration often leaving me exhausted and emotionally worn out. With those relationships now NC or VVLC I find myself in a place where for the first time the people I choose to interact with are kind, the relationships are pleasant, no drama.  It's peaceful.

Despite this I feel a little hypervigilant, watching carefully for something to go wrong, like a meerkat with it's head up looking left and right.  Still analysing things. I am tired of this though.  So I think it's time to relax and enjoy the people around me. Enjoy the quiet without the confusion that was often there when interacting with parents and inlaws.

The difference is quite noticeable between a life with them and without. It may take some time for the anxiety or hypervigilance to go away completely but I don't feel I need to be on high alert any more. There is no need to keep those walls up.  I still remember reading 'The Body Keeps Score' and I really feel it's time to let my body heal and relax. I spent so many years looking at them, wondering about them, hurt by them, worrying about them, not any more though.

[Boat Babe]

That's great Hilltop, really lovely to read. Can I add that you can now trust yourself to notice red flags in new people and you can also trust your ability to maintain your boundaries in any situation. Once you trust your power, you can relax knowing that it will kick in if necessary but doesn't have to be "on guard" 24/7. You've got this in other words 

[Hilltop]

Thanks Boat Babe. It is so true that once you know those red flags they are easier to spot and there is no more being trapped in those sorts of relationships, I had felt so trapped with parents and inlaws.  As you say I can maintain those boundaries. 

[SonofThunder]

That's great Hilltop, really lovely to read. Can I add that you can now trust yourself to notice red flags in new people and you can also trust your ability to maintain your boundaries in any situation. Once you trust your power, you can relax knowing that it will kick in if necessary but doesn't have to be "on guard" 24/7. You've got this in other words 

+1

I had to go NC with my uNPDf for many months during my continued separation, as it was crucial for me in some particular things I had to accomplish, and he was attempting to insert himself into my divorce, trying and stop me from going forward with my decision, as he was uncertain if my divorce would affect him (which is 100% of his concern). 

At the front end of NC, he attempted everything possible way to get past my NC boundaries, then gave up. Lol by the end of the necessary period, I was tempted to make NC permanent, as he had simply accepted the fact he could not penetrate and it was so calm with his communication out of the picture. But, as NC was truly only needed temporarily during roadwork, I knew that making it permanent was me crossing that thin line between a boundary for self-protection and punishment.  For many, like you Hilltop, it must be permanent for our own emotional and therefore physical wellbeing (Body Keeps the Score), so not punishment to go permanent NC in order to heal.  My particular circumstances with my uNPDf are such where permanent NC is not necessary, although was a more pleasant experience.

As Boat Babe well stated, I didn't need to keep the flags raised all the time during NC, but only if I noticed his attempted boundary penetration.  At the front end, the flags raised periodically but after a while, the flags stayed down all the time when he gave up and became conditioned to not speaking with me. 

Lastly, In his NPD pride to feed self, my uNPDf eventually told other family members that he didn't desire to speak to me anyway, so good-riddance, as he did not desire to accept a communication defeat. Lol, that was surely shown to be incorrect when the road-construction boundary of NC was removed and he played the relieved victim (drama triangle) to my perpetration of NC, but then that became boring for him, when no family members recognized his victimhood. 

Enjoy your peace Hilltop. and I hope your body finds healing as you just let the flags lay low and use your boundary and other toolbox skills on an as-needed basis. 

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

Despite this I feel a little hypervigilant, watching carefully for something to go wrong, like a meerkat with it's head up looking left and right.  Still analysing things. I am tired of this though.  So I think it's time to relax and enjoy the people around me. Enjoy the quiet without the confusion that was often there when interacting with parents and inlaws.

I can tell you that this WILL fade away the longer you are with safe people.  I have put myself through a lot with my people pleasing.  Years actually  (I'm a slow learner I guess  ).  For the past 10 years my husband and I host an annual party during our community festival.  It's a very casual event and my home is only popular because of the proximity to the festival.  It would be overtly rude and almost impossible to not allow certain people to stop in or attend. 

Anyway, five years-ish ago I started to dread this annual event.  I was coming Out of the FOG and still keeping track of every time I was slighted by one of these PD people.  To the point I wasn't paying attention to my other guests.  I'd be nervous in the week prior to the party - for no real reason.  The day of the party I'd be anxious, hoping that my PD people (the ones I hadn't given up on yet) would find the party worthy enough to attend.  And then the party itself - a terrible day of watching everyone, trying to insert myself into the right conversations, etc., etc.

On my path to acceptance, each year has gotten better.  I just hosted the event this past weekend and today I woke up feeling happy that we had a really fun party.  I am happy to have made some nice memories with my newer friends who were attended.  The PD people were still there and I was kind to them.  But I truly didn't keep track of anything they did.  Some of my newer friends paired up while I had hosting duties and not once did I worry about them talking about me or if they were having more fun together and if I was going to be left out of something.  In fact the new people in my life are so great that they started making connections with each other.  Each time I approached their circle - it was something nice.  "Hey, did you hear what Jenn just said?".  "Ohh, Hopeful, tell us more about the outing that we're doing in November."  "Sorry, I have to leave early, but let's grab coffee next week!"

The PD people didn't widen their circle to include me.  No comments on my substantial (and obvious) home renovations.  They left without saying "goodbye" or "thanks for the party".  They will post tons of great pics of our party but my husband and I won't be in any of the photos.  That's fine. 

I still have insecurities but focusing on the good people in my life has made all the difference.  Cheers to you for doing the same and striving for peace!

[Hilltop]

Thanks SoT, it is good your were able to maintain those boundaries when needed but are now able to resume a relationship.  That's a good outcome. 

Hopeful Spine, it takes time doesn't it.  It's a slow process but that's ok. It's interesting what you say about the PD people in your life and how they aren't open to inclusion, don't compliment or share in your happiness,  that's been my experience as well.  It is different with non PD people and is so much more relaxed and easy. 

I do look forward to just breathing and appreciating life.  Your story gives me hope that in time I'll stop peering around like a meerkat.