Guilt trip/manipulation over Christmas

[BlueFlowerPot1]

Month ago, I brought up the conversation about where are we spending our Christmas to my husband (2 years of marriage, alternating Christmas so far with the families). In general, he does not like to hang around with his family much, and he sees his daughter as and when.

I kindly offered, as we spent last Christmas at my parents, that I don't mind if we spend this Christmas with his family and travel to mine for the New Years. He said he is not bothered to spend the Christmas with his family and does not mind spending it with mine.

I took it as he is happy to go to my parents, and I also invited his daughter to join us for the new years at my parents as it would make him happy surely.

Today, a month after that discussion, thinking ahead we are going to my family, I offered it would be nice to see his family & his daughter before Christmas still. I suggested why don't we invite them all for a pre Christmas family get together meal the weekend before Christmas around the 15th, as my family celebrates the Christmas as Catholics the 24th and it takes 24hrs to drive to theirs so we need so set off that weekend on the 22nd or 23rd the latest, thinking he wouldn't mind.

He threw an absolute fit, called me an manipulative liar and a selfish bitch, saying that I went ahead and planned the dates and I'm stopping him from seeing his family and his daughter at Christmas (as I suggested the 15th for a family get together) and that not everyone is available before and normally they are available on the 23rd only.

I felt shocked and commented this is a new information to me as I thought he wasn't bothered and I said we really can't leave on the 23rd as we would miss my parents Christmas on the 24th and that I was under the impression he wasn't bothered about seeing his family.

He yelled at me saying I took the sentence "he was not bothered to see his family" literally out of the context.

He was then asking if we can leave on the 23/24th and shift the Christmas at my parents to the 25th (he messaged the family to see when they are available). I was rather agitated at that point but said - ok let's do that but I need to inform my parents as they were expecting us for Christmas the 24th really just after.

He is yelling at me since saying I'm inflexible, selfish, guilt tripping him and want to rule everything and if all the Christmas decisions are going to be about me. No matter I agreed to shift the dates at the end.

I'm feel very disheartened, I feel like I offered him to spend the time with his family to start with, being fair and thoughtful. And him without specifying what he wants, he said he is not bothered and now suddenly he is bothered?  (or is it a power trip?) and throws a fit and says he kindly offered the gesture he will spend the Christmas at my parents, and I am so ungrateful and can't shift the dates as he wants to see his family on the 23rd and why can't get to my parents later and delay their Christmas a day on the 25th and he thought I will budge the dates to leave later.

It seems to me like  I will spend the Christmas with your parents but under my t&c's sort of thing, as well as a miscommunication and a lack of specified dates, thats what I told him. However he thinks I'm in wrong and I'm manipulative and selfish.

He is expecting me to apologise.I feel like I'm loosing the sense of reality.

Any advice please?

[Call Me Cordelia]

He is yelling at me since saying I'm inflexible, selfish, guilt tripping him and want to rule everything and if all the Christmas decisions are going to be about me. No matter I agreed to shift the dates at the end.

 

This right here sounds like the crux of the issue. You opened the conversation well in advance of the holidays, offered what you thought was a kindness, tried to discuss it, got a "whatever" answer, and are now being called manipulative, selfish, inflexible... and he gets his way this way. Yikes.

Are other decisions in your marriage fraught like this? Is there a pattern of you trying to make him happy and then it backfiring on you?

I will say this is NOT a healthy decision making process. There's a lot of assuming going on if I'm reading this correctly. Like you invited his daughter for New Years without consulting him? Or he assumed you would celebrate on the 25th? When he was there last year and it was on the 24th... okay. Not really plausible to me, but making assumptions and then blaming and name calling you is not okay.

[LemonLime]

Hi BlueFlowerPot,
I'm sorry you've having to deal with this.  It sounds very upsetting.
I'm concerned that he called you a bitch.  I'm concerned with his tone toward you.  More than the content of the argument, I'm concerned with his way of arguing.  It sounds like contempt, and that's one of Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a marriage.  In fact, it's the worst of the four.
I'm totally on your team and empathize.  Please keep posting. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome to our Forum, Blue.  If you haven't already, check out the tools, resources, etc.  Reading over past threads can be really helpful, too.

This sounds very painful.  And par for a spouse with a PD, though you didn't mention if yours does.  There are also non-PD bullies/abusers who relate like this.  (Why Does He Do That? by L Bancroft was an eye opener for me - used to be a free pdf online.)

I once believed if someone was super adamant about something that must mean they were certainly right and I was being unreasonable.  Now I just see it as them kicking into control mode for whatever reason (which may have nothing to do with the topic at hand).   Now if someone starts name-calling, mocking, belittling, etc., I leave the room or hang up the phone right there in the middle of their sentence. It took many years but I finally realized I don't have to stand there and subject myself to mistreatment. I don't believe it's ever called for and it pretty much never happens to me anymore.  There are healthy ways to express anger and resolve conflicts and that's what I'm interested in. 

For someone with, say, NPD, placing blame on someone else is paramount.  They'll twist any conflict around to make it your fault.  Nevermind logic.  PD's don't use logical reasoning; they use emotional reasoning. "If I feel angry, you're wrong!" "If I feel like punishing you, you deserve it."   Feelings are facts and the real facts will get you nowhere.  Logic that contradicts feelings does not compute for a pwPD. "But I did all these things you asked of me and you said you understood and agreed and asked me to go ahead" will not get you off the hook in their mind.  If they feel like blaming you, they're going to blame you no matter what.  Again, I'm speaking of a true PD here. They have distorted thinking; it's part of their disorder.

I believe much more important than trying to figure out "Did I do it well enough?" (which could be helpful in a non-PD conflict) is educating ourselves about what we're dealing with and some effective ways to respond.  This site is a goldmine for just that.  Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

[escapingman]

Hi BlueFlower and welcome to the forum.

You have only been married for 2 years and he treats you like this? It's not normal, healthy behaviour from him and it WILL only get worse. Is this how you are going to want to live your life? Please think about your safety, both mental but also physical. Stay strong and keep posting.

[Cat of the Canals]

I call this the PD lose-lose game. You asked beforehand, got a noncommittal response, went ahead with making plans, and he blows up. If you hadn't asked beforehand or hadn't made plans, he'd probably blow up about those particulars instead.

The thing is, this isn't about the Christmas plans. It isn't even about YOU. I can almost guarantee he's upset about something else, and this is the thing he's chosen to "have a mad" about, as we sometimes say here.

My mother is like this. We once had a big family get together, and my mom and I went to drop off one of our relatives at the airport. When we got back, my dad was in the kitchen, cleaning up after everyone else had eaten lunch. He stopped and asked, "Have you guys eaten?" My mom completely lost her sh!t. "Of course we haven't eaten! What a stupid question! When could we have possibly eaten?" He said, "I was only asking because I was going to offer to make you something if you hadn't had lunch yet..." My mother told him "not to bother" and continued acting like he'd committed some kind of crime. Again, for asking if we'd eaten. As non-offensive a question someone could possibly ask. But it wasn't about my dad's question. If he'd continued cleaning up without asking, she'd probably have gotten mad about that. Or if not that, she would have found something else he'd done/hadn't done to get upset over.

This is a pattern she acts out over and over. She gets stressed/upset about something (in this case, hosting a lot of guests), she has no ability to regulate her own emotions (if you asked her if she was stressed or upset, she'd probably even say no), and when the pressure builds too far, she finds a scapegoat and invents a reason to be angry that has little to nothing to do with what's actually going on.