Met my sister, the golden child. Does the disappointment ever go?

[NynaeveAM]

My sister is the golden child. Since as long as I can remember, everything inside our home used to be about her. Her health was prioritised, mine neglected. She had constant support from our parents, while I was often sidelined and isolated as the troubled child. The unfairness and neglect was what finally drove me from our home at a young age. Anyway, I managed to make something of myself in all these years. I also managed to repair my relationship with my family. The dynamics are quite similar, but since I'm not in the same location as them, I can stay in regular contact with them and not get affected too much.

Fast forward to today, my sister relocated quite close to me and came for a visit. We've had an okay relationship over the years. We used to be best friends but the friendship deteriorated over the years as our mother played us against each other. My sister wasn't able to grasp this back then but seemed to have identified some patterns of our mother's behavior in recent years. There was a time when we weren't speaking at all, and she made a lot of effort to reach me during a difficult time. And we reconnected.

However, she's still really close to our mother. And I noticed another thing during this visit. She's quite self-centered and not a very good listener. She often talks about herself and judges everything–people, things, movies, books, etc. that don't align with her point of view. She's also can't seem to talk about topics that aren't directly related to her interests or career. And she talks non-stop about her thoughts and asks for validation for her decisions. Then she ignores the advice I give her, and does what she wants to anyway.

She's also taken out her anger on me a few times–outbursts when something I've said didn't align with her beliefs. I have to say that I felt extremely disappointed. It felt as though she didn't really understand our family dynamics as much as she had claimed to. Perhaps, she contacted me because I was the only one who would side with her over our mother. I also didn't feel that she really wanted to know who I was and have grown into as a person. She constantly expressed her surprise at how different we are. Why wouldn't we be different? She couldn't seem to get that people are different; that siblings can have different opinions, tastes, and preferences.

There was also no recognition of who I am as a person and what I've been able to accomplish. From some of the things she said, it felt as though she and the rest of my family attribute my accomplishments to chance and time. She's more qualified and more successful than I can ever be (as she said). Even though, as we speak, she is currently not employed, and is supported entirely by her husband's family. I feel mean even saying that as I know that things haven't been easy for her. But they've been hell for me. I've had to grow up away from my family and pretty much raise myself since my twenties. Nobody supported me or believed in me–something she's had her entire life and still continues to have. She has a circle of yes-men and those who adore her and seems to prefer just remaining within that sphere.

I'm probably coming across as bitter. And I guess I am. I'm also hurt.

How do you all move past disappointment? I tend to bury myself in work but my employer is making severe cost reductions, so I have very little to do at the moment.

Thanks for listening.

[bloomie]

Let me say right off... you do not come across as anything but disappointed. And that is entirely understandable. I know of only one way to move past the disappointment.. to lean into it as real and process it. This is a kind of grieving in my experience. Accepting what is, what we cannot change.

Your sister is who she is. You are wise to be honest with yourself about the potential limitations a relationship with her may be present. Your compassion for the pain she experienced growing up is most likely the result of having lived in the reality of how lacking your parents were in the ways that really matter far longer than she has. Being coddled and favored brings its' own challenges as can be seen in a sister who seems unable to listen to others and celebrate the beautiful life you have built.

Yes, you are hurt. And most likely have a boat load of questions that may never fully be answered about why your sister fought so hard to reconnect with you. That is something else that has to be processed through.

Having grown up in a disordered family system with siblings I can say that there are some realities, like you describe here, that I have had to face. Ways that we will never be able to understand and trust each other because of the favoritism, rivalry, competition and division our parents fostered between us. It can be a bitter pill to swallow when we realize that. I am so sorry that you are faced with this!

[NynaeveAM]

Hi Bloomie,

I still fondly remember your thoughtful responses from years ago. They offered a lot of comfort to me back in the day. Times have not changed that much, after all. I'm now beginning to realise that I may never escape the reality of PD in my family and chosen (by marriage) family.

Yes, it hurt a lot. While I had the luck and privilege to grow up away from the toxicity of my parents (and their families), my sister did not. Still, I had imagined some kind of growth, some kind of healing. It was sadly too much to expect. It seems like most of the growth is just an ability to hide much of her true intentions.

In the aftermath of the visit, I feel residual rage... I feel judged and discarded because of many of her reactions, responses, and comments... And now the rage is ebbing away into a depth of sadness. I feel so heavy. I have memories of us as children and then nothing... Entire years of animosity, competition, tattling, passive aggressiveness, and disagreements.

I'm trying to move past it but it's really quite difficult as things at my work may also have gone south (layoffs are coming). Hoping for the best, though...

[walking on broken glass]

Hi,NynaeveAM!
I am really sorry you have to deal with all this. I can relate a bit, as in the past I gave my sister the benefit of the doubt many times, and every single time I was disappointed. Yours is a more challenging situation due to the long separation and the time you spent apart, that you thought might have made a difference. You are right to be hurt and disappointed; and it is absolutely normal to crave a connection and a bond. But at the same time it is good that you are able to see the truth for what it is and not bury your head in the sand. You are perceptive and that's a great quality. You can now move past the disappointment and sadness, and start accepting that sis has many issues, that she is not willing to acknowledge or work on. Take your time to mourn, and use the sadness and anger to protect yourself. You don't need this negativity in your life. Spend your time with people who see how amazing you are.