N-mother hoovering

[Lalitha]

Hello, I'm new here, posted on welcome board but wanted to post about what is on my mind right now. N-mom is hoovering (I'm NC), shes using distant family members unfortunate circumstances (usually health related) to emotionally blackmail me and try to guilt me into making contact (I receive emails from her and keep them as a paper trail in case needed in future) She has form on this, she seems to feed on other people's health problems. I just feel disgust to the point where I'm feeling sick. I suppose it brings back past times when she has created huge drama and added stress around illness and bereavement. Thankfully DH and I are both on same page re NC and if anything this latest hoovering attempt is making me even more resolute. It's difficult to accept that she lacks empathy to the point where she can use other people's misfortune the way she does. I'm feeling very tired of it all.

[moglow]

Hello! An old friend used to say, A hoover doesn't work if we don't plug it in. Once we see this for what it is, it does kinda help a person reestablish reality from guilt trips. I'm not saying these loved ones aren't actually ill but is that yours to carry? Is there something you can do for them, are they people with whom you've been in contact or distant relatives you've only heard of? Or is she just using this as opportunity to dump misery? [I suspect the latter.] 

Mine was known for contacting with what I came to call the dead and dying report - and she'd go to ridiculous lengths to A. make it my business, and at the same time B. Make it all about her. A whole lot of doom gloom and misery and other people's personal business. Distant relatives and other people I'd never even met [and she'd go into whole long convoluted explanations of how of course I knew them!] were mother's favorites - all the while disregarding the people in her own family and what they might have going on. The sheer misery of funerals and how no one's grief but hers mattered or was even recognized, the performances she put on during resulting gatherings. Lord help us all.

I'm SO glad y'all are on the same page! That's got to help immeasurably. If she's emailing, can you have them not only auto filed to a special folder but also marked "read" so they don't hit your radar?? You could read them at your leisure when you wanted rather than a jolt when the notification appeared, is what I'm thinking.

Anyhoo, we're here with you - the stories you'll read!

[discarded]

I hear you on them using your misfortune to draw you back in. I had a relative do something similar, and over time I began to wonder if they literally just tried to provoke the situation, just to draw me in.

They attempted to provoke me a couple of times, and then got enraged I didn't give them the emotional feedback they were fishing for. They tried to frame me as mistreating them for not giving them the emotional supply they were seeking. It made me resolute against talking to them too.

They have no real desire to see me do well, and they really just seek to use my responses against me.

[Lalitha]

Hello! An old friend used to say, A hoover doesn't work if we don't plug it in.

I love this thank you moglow! I'm going to add it to my collection of truths.
At the moment she's drawing on someone who was relatively close years ago but who is one of the many relatives I accepted I would lose contact with on going NC. To give a bit more context, NPD-mom once laughed at me because I cried at a funeral so anything illness/bereavement with her involvement is triggering for me, but writing it down on this forum is helping me process.
Your comment on 'misery dumping' really made me think. I often underestimate her malicious intent and think u could be right about that.
The 'death and dying' report u spoke of is exactly wat she does, in fact she once got ahead of herself and informed me a close relative had died before they actually had passed (they were extremely ill/old and passed a few days later) I'm glad to say I can see the funny side now as the relative in question would have found it extremely amusing but at the time it was horribly traumatic. I'll certainly have another think about how to manage the emails, I'm not sure I've got the optimum system in place!

I'm sorry you've experienced something similar, discarded. I can certainly relate to them not wanting to see you do well, my FOO are very much the same in that regard.

Thank you both for your replies

[moglow]

You're so welcome! It helps me to "talk" it out here with others who've been there done that. A little redirect helps me immeasurably and gives me ideas I'd not considered before. For way too long I locked it down, convinced either people would get sick of hearing it or just plain didn't believe she could be that bad. Few out there seem to understand - you don't go no or very limited contact on a whim, over a bad day or even with someone you like. When you get to that point you've literally tried everything you know just to get along. 

Hang in there - we're here with you!