Exhausted, confused, and slowly disappearing

[kate1986]

Hi everyone,

New here and really emotional reading everyone's stories, it reminds me of how much people are coping with quietly behind the scenes that no one knows anything about.

I'm Australian but live in London with my English husband who has avoidant personality disorder and a highly toxic, highly enmeshed family comprised of multiple personality disorders, led by my NPD MIL and covert NPD FIL, who are both psychologists (wtaf).

I've been grappling with them all for 5 years. Being an Aussie I assumed that if I just confronted them about the issues I had with them and listened to their perspective we'd work it all out- 7 sit down confrontations later and then saying all the right things has made zero difference.

Things really escalated after the birth of my son who is now 3. I'm desperate to protect him from their BS, but my husband is equally desperate to gain his parents love and approval by parading my son around like a toy which is one of many long-standing sources of conflict.

We've been in therapy for over a year and I'm really struggling with having at least 2 completely different husbands; one who gets it and has insight and wants a real relationship with me, then another who is varying degrees of angry/dismissive/passive aggressive/victimised etc etc. If feels impossible because each version of him seems to have no knowledge of the other. He often completely forgets stuff he says when in the other "mode"; it's like he has an off on switch to entirely different people. Does anyone have similar experiences?

He hasn't made much progress in therapy and I'm beginning to lose hope. Would love to hear any reflections on how long in therapy before AvPD husband improved? I know probably how longs a piece of string but I'm desperate!

K

[xredshoesx]

sending strength and compassion, as a direct type person i get how frustrating it is when you can figure out the solution but other people involved just want to keep beating the dead horse in what becomes a circular argument to end all circular arguments.

we do have a really fine group of folks who are supporting each other while trying to stay in their relationships with their uPD/ PD spouse/ partners.  I think that may be the best place to check out how long people may be working on working it out.  a next place to check would be in the separating/ divorcing section where people are in different parts of the process of dissolving the relationship. 

Comitted to Working On It

Separating and Divorcing


you're not alone.  we get it here and we're listening when you are ready to share more.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

Your comment about there being different versions of your husband suggests that he may perhaps have some sort of dissociation disorder. Given what you say about his family it sounds entirely possible he may have CPTSD and may well need a trauma-informed therapist if he does not already have one. You may find material of interest on Out of the Storm - a sister site to this one.

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this from both your spouse and in-laws. You've definitely come to the right place for support here at Out of the FOG.

I can relate to your post in a few respects. When I left my first uNPD husband nearly 30 years ago, my children and I also escaped his entire cult-like PD family. Years later, my now adult children have chosen to distance from exH's family completely, after seeing for themselves the PD dynamics at play.

My 2nd stbx-uNPD husband truly exhibits Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde behavior. He also forgets things he says or does during his rages. I believe some of his "selective memory" to be gaslighting, but I do think in other cases he disassociates. (Which still isn't comforting and maybe even worse?!)

Welcome to the board; I'm always sorry yet another person has needed to come here, but glad you found us!