Mother would never allow me to be ill as a child -- is this common?

[donutmoonpanda]

I'm wondering if anyone else experienced this during childhood because I guess I always assumed all mothers were this way. I'm not sure what my mom's dx would be, but she does fit the description of a BPD waif. Trigger warning for descriptions of various illness and injuries.

Whenever I got sick as a kid my mother would say I was fine. In her eyes, I was never sick, I was just trying to get attention, which she didn't think I deserved. I would have to throw up all over myself before she'd let me stay home from school. This led to a lot of embarrassing incidents for my brother and me.

I had head lice in primary school, and I complained to her about itching and feeling the crawlies on my head. She wouldn't even look at my scalp, she just dismissed my complaints, until three days later when I said I pulled a bug out of my hair. Of course her reaction was overblown when she saw the lice. She acted disgusted and bathed me in insecticidal baths repeatedly, I sat in that stuff far longer than is recommended on the label.

I fractured my ankle in high school and again she wouldn't get me medical attention for several days. She obviously didn't care that I couldn't walk all weekend, but she was quite upset when I couldn't walk to school on Monday.

Did anyone else experience this? The parent who won't allow you to be sick? It often created more drama and pain. I understand that my mother didn't like for me to receive attention from anyone, she seemed to think I was always trying to throw off her plans/her schedule, and she seemed genuinely resentful that she had to care for me when I was helpless. But not allowing me to receive medical attention often made these illnesses and injuries worse, which would lead me to need more care and attention, which she didn't want me to receive. And my parents were wealthy, she wasn't avoiding the doctor because she couldn't pay the bill!

Where was my NPDd in all this? He was nice to me when I was sick. I preferred to be with him when I didn't feel good. But he also had a very active double life seeing multiple women on the side and he rarely bothered to do much childcare. That was left to my mother who couldn't have cared less about us.

I'm NC with both parents for years now, but I'm sure if I told her I was sick today my mother would still immediately roll her eyes.

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom allowed "regular" sickness like colds/flu/etc. But anything that was more "serious" or chronic was/is usually dismissed, doubly so for anything related to mental health.

I had a really bad infection when I was 8. Bad enough that we were headed from the pediatrician's office to a nearby hospital for a blood draw to see whether I was septic or not. I fainted in the doctor's waiting room, and all I remember is waking up to my mom standing over me, hissing at me to, "GET UP!" Like I was embarrassing her or something.

I've had terrible periods and have been getting ovarian cysts since high school. I waited months to tell my mother, but I finally couldn't stand it. She said, "Well, let's wait a while and see if it works itself out." So we waited another several months before she asked if it was still bad.    I said yes. When she finally got around to finding a doctor, we had to wait another three months for the appointment. All in all, I think it was a year between when I told her and when I finally saw a doctor (and I'd been suffering in silence for around a year before that).

The doctor put me on birth control. My mom let me take them for about 3 months and then refused to refill the prescription anymore, insisting that my doctor said it was only supposed to be temporary. (She had not said that.) The cysts came back. Doctor asked if I was still taking the BC pills. When I said, "no," she said, "Why not?" I just looked at my mom, who said nothing. She never apologized or admitted she was wrong.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication around the same time, it was, "You need to snap out of it." When I told her I'd learned about some troubling side effects caused by the anti-anxiety medication when taken long term, she snapped at me. "Well, you better not need to take them that long!"

More recently, I had to have surgery to remove two large cysts and was diagnosed with endometriosis. I explained to her that it was chronic. No cure. After my surgery, she asked, "So you're cured now, right?"

My aunt has a chronic form of cancer. She was telling my mom that her hair was falling out, and she thought she needed to buy a wig, and my mom just kept saying, "I think she's being crazy!"

On the opposite end of the spectrum, my husband has said that his PDmom was really only ever nice to him when he was sick. It makes sense because she likes feeling needed, but there's also a sinister side. She likes being around people she perceives as "weak," because that means she automatically in a position of power.

My mom has some of that, but again, only with mild illness. Anything more severe, and it ruins the "picture perfect" image she wants to paint of her life. If someone is grievously or chronically ill, things are obviously not perfect, and that's simply unacceptable.

[donutmoonpanda]

All of this is so familiar, Cat. Changing the doctor's prescription and saying things the doctor never said. Getting all weird about your aunt's cancer.

My mom's cousin had a stroke a few years ago. My mom just could not visit her, she couldn't face what the stroke had done to her, she was severely disabled. But mom also hated that it made her look like an unloving cousin. It was such a big dramatic issue in her life, trying to look like she cared but also avoiding her constantly, up until her cousin's death.

I was treated for cancer a few years ago and I am now in remission. My mother had a cancer scare in the 1980s, and she somehow managed to make my cancer about her. She acted like it was her fault? Even though we had different forms of cancer? And they're not related, genetically or otherwise? Somehow she was just so sad she had "given" me cancer. Poor her.

If it doesn't suit the PD parent's needs, they seem to manipulate the situation as much as they can to get it into place so they're the victim. So I guess it's not uncommon, it's just their brand of PD. They might as well say, "So you're cured now, right? Because I'm done with dealing with this. I don't want you to have an incurable condition. It doesn't suit me."

While my PD mom felt wrongfully inconvenienced at the thought of me being sick, my NPD dad only really stepped up when I was sick. Honestly, I think she hated to see him pay attention to me. He'd drop everything. How often does a philandering NPD drop everything and start making someone eggs and potatoes just because my tummy hurts? Not often. I could be like, "These potatoes are too hard," and he'd start cooking all over again. The man didn't even know where we kept the plates in the kitchen. Oh the power.

[mary_poppins]

Hi donutmoonpanda-cool name btw.

Yes, it is common. PD parents who don't allow their kids to be sick. It happened to me, too and I talked to other adult children of PDs and they have similar stories.
As a child my mother would either ignore my sickness or just do the bare minimum so others at school wouldn't suspect her of neglect. But she wasn't so bad. My father was much, much worse.
My father has never ever, not even once recognised one time in my life when I was sick. He'd completely ignore my sickness, not look at me or pretend I wasn't sick. I don't think he was even home whenever I had the flu (I used to have really bad spells of the flu). Dad is NPD and his neglect makes a lot of sense to me now. He's the type of NPD who loves to bury his head in the sand and write reality as being something completely different from what it really is.

I am sorry you had to go through that as a child but know that I understand. It is traumatising to be neglected as a child during the most awful of times.

[mary_poppins]

Oh and I'm happy you are NC with your fam. Way to go! 
If no one has told you before, it is a big thing.

[NarcKiddo]

My mother approached illness slightly differently. We were allowed to be ill and were given prompt medical attention. But everything was a major chore and inconvenience. So we would be taken to medical appointments while she raged: at the traffic, the cost, the inconvenience. It was made abundantly clear that we were an almost intolerable burden that she was dealing with only because she was our mother and loved us so much.

What we got into particularly major trouble for (although were still taken care of as necessary) was taking any sort of a risk which might result in an injury. God help us if the risk actually did result in an injury. The rage and indignation was off the scale then.

The result is that I find any kind of medical appointment triggering, especially if it is something I need help with. So a medical appointment I can get to by myself is tolerable. An appointment I need my husband to drive me to is difficult. When I needed an operation and needed not only help with getting there but help during my recovery it was particularly tough. My husband is more than willing but I still feel like an intolerable burden and my inner child braces for a rage attack.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My experience was generally like yours, NarcKiddo. But my mother was also inclined to hypochondria and took us to the doctor for every sore throat. It looks like strep! She also sang grateful praises for my father's job that gave us Such Wonderful Health Insurance every time I'd be schlepped to the pediatrician for yet another throat culture. HER mother never took such good care of her when she was sick. She was dumped on her elderly grandmother while her mother just went to work as usual. YOU have a GOOD MOTHER.

[countrygirl]

Hi donutmoonpanda,

It is truly horrible to deal with a PD panda when you are young, ill and dependent upon them to take care of you. 

My mother hated it when I was ill or injured.  I think it's because these times underscored what a bad mother she was.  She knew she was supposed to respond when a child was ill, and so she became angry at me for forcing her to see who she was. 

When I was grown and living far from home, I made the mistake of telling her that I'd broken my leg.  Her immediate response was:  "Well, can't you heal yourself?"  The truth is that this is what she always felt, even when I was very young.  I know her response seems totally crazy, but she passed as a normally functioning person, and to this day, people tell me what "a lady" she was.

 

[Happypants]

Being fully enmeshed with my mother as a kid, the opposite was true for me.  She was never OTT about any sniffles or health issues, in fact she was fairly level-headed about them, but she did seem to get something out of visiting the doctor with us, some sort of validation of sorts.  She had dealt with cancer and a few less worrisome health issues herself and seemed to almost revel in being prescribed medication, whether for us or herself.  For this reason, i'm so sorry for what you went through, I can't begin to imagine what it must have felt like to be invalidated and, frankly, neglected like that.

From my late teenage years til now in my forties, I became more deeply entrenched in the scapegoat role.  Now, any mention of my health or any issues to do with it are ignored, downplayed, seen as a cry for attention, or worse, treated with suspicion as being a way of competing with or copying my mother's health issues.  In my eyes, it's a form of dehumanising a person.  For that to happen to a child is unthinkable x

[donutmoonpanda]

An appointment I need my husband to drive me to is difficult. When I needed an operation and needed not only help with getting there but help during my recovery it was particularly tough. My husband is more than willing but I still feel like an intolerable burden and my inner child braces for a rage attack.

Wow I never thought about this before, just to be vulnerable and be taken care of feels wrong. somehow. It really makes sense. That's got to be really hard. I'm so sorry.

[donutmoonpanda]

My mother hated it when I was ill or injured.  I think it's because these times underscored what a bad mother she was.  She knew she was supposed to respond when a child was ill, and so she became angry at me for forcing her to see who she was. 

Absolutely! It's like become sick makes her have to face the truth and my mother will ever face the truth.

[Cat of the Canals]

An appointment I need my husband to drive me to is difficult. When I needed an operation and needed not only help with getting there but help during my recovery it was particularly tough. My husband is more than willing but I still feel like an intolerable burden and my inner child braces for a rage attack.

Wow I never thought about this before, just to be vulnerable and be taken care of feels wrong. somehow. It really makes sense. That's got to be really hard. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, when I had surgery and was thinking about all of the ways I wouldn't be able to do normal household stuff and that my husband would have to pick up the slack, I felt soooo guilty and very scared that he was secretly mad at me. Which he was not, of course.

I also notice I have a tendency to avoid taking medication when I really need it. We're talking basic stuff like ibuprofen. I'll have this guilt trippy argument with myself, "But you took it yesterday, you really shouldn't need to take it today, too." God, that is 100% my mother's voice talking!

[NotCryingGlitter]

My mother approached illness slightly differently. We were allowed to be ill and were given prompt medical attention. But everything was a major chore and inconvenience. So we would be taken to medical appointments while she raged: at the traffic, the cost, the inconvenience. It was made abundantly clear that we were an almost intolerable burden that she was dealing with only because she was our mother and loved us so much.

What we got into particularly major trouble for (although were still taken care of as necessary) was taking any sort of a risk which might result in an injury. God help us if the risk actually did result in an injury. The rage and indignation was off the scale then.

The result is that I find any kind of medical appointment triggering, especially if it is something I need help with. So a medical appointment I can get to by myself is tolerable. An appointment I need my husband to drive me to is difficult. When I needed an operation and needed not only help with getting there but help during my recovery it was particularly tough. My husband is more than willing but I still feel like an intolerable burden and my inner child braces for a rage attack.

Don't let her crap make you feel like a burden for needing help or taking care of yourself; everybody needs driven every now and then, sometimes even under doctor requirements.

Oh yes, the surgery inconvenience, how the drive home after surgery caused her to miss work, and how embarrassed she was for the ER staff to see your unshaven legs. How the appointment cannot be paid for or driven to if they don't go into the exam room, during a follow up or consultation, with you (so they can control what the doctor hears). How a car is manipulated not to start so that you can't go to the ER or clinic (because you're overreacting). How you're faking every illness to avoid things like church, when that's exactly what they do (not you).

[Fiasco]

Well, same and same. I've actually thinking about this a lot this week while I actually stayed home from work because I am sick. I've been feeling pretty proud of myself actually, for finally giving myself the care I DESERVE. Hugs to everyone (virtual, because of germs).

[NotCryingGlitter]

Well, same and same. I've actually thinking about this a lot this week while I actually stayed home from work because I am sick. I've been feeling pretty proud of myself actually, for finally giving myself the care I DESERVE. Hugs to everyone (virtual, because of germs).

Hope you feel better!

[NotCryingGlitter]

They also have a "funny" way of doing the opposite at the same time...one day you're bipolar, and the next day you're autistic.

[Fiasco]

Hope you feel better!

Thank you, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It might be just side effect from all the cold medicines though. 

[lindentree]

Same thing happened with my NBPDm. My concerns were't take seriously and she had no interest or patience to tend to me when I was sick. Thank God my F's mother was a nurse and he took after her in being a good caregiver. Of course he allowed her to abuse all of us and is still in denial that she has PD after 20 years divorced.

I have to try to be caring and empathetic when my H is sick because I definitely have some "fleas" from narcM and just want everyone to pull themselves up by the boot straps and push even if they're sick.

I remember passing out one morning before school because I was so sick but still went to school because I didn't want to miss my advanced classes or not "get the grade". Trying to nurture and mother myself as an adult now and give myself space to rest when I'm not feeling well.

[Marianne]

So sorry. That is sad. I recognise it from ex. When I got quite ill on holiday. He got all upset about his own plans. I needed him for getting medicine and all. He said he'd leave to have fun alone and come back when I was better. I said: if you leave now, do t come back ever. He stayed. (Sadly). But did try force me travel on fast. And in a long distance bus with no toilet (nice when needing one every quarter).

My mum was more bpd-ish. She was very caring when I was ill. But when I got mentally ill, I noticed they didn't let me get better. Independent. Last year I got lung embolism and dad told me to breathe better (if I could do that...). And screaming I was being difficult.

[mary_poppins]

So sorry. That is sad. I recognise it from ex. When I got quite ill on holiday. He got all upset about his own plans. I needed him for getting medicine and all. He said he'd leave to have fun alone and come back when I was better. I said: if you leave now, do t come back ever. He stayed. (Sadly). But did try force me travel on fast. And in a long distance bus with no toilet (nice when needing one every quarter).

My mum was more bpd-ish. She was very caring when I was ill. But when I got mentally ill, I noticed they didn't let me get better. Independent. Last year I got lung embolism and dad told me to breathe better (if I could do that...). And screaming I was being difficult.

Just wanted to chime in and say sorry you got screamed at for having lung embolism. I can't imagine what's like having that illness, let alone being abused while trying to recover. Hugs to you