There are people who are pulling away from my mother

[RainbowGirl]

One of my aunt's who used to visit my mother from time to time has t visited in over 15 months.  I find it completely unusual.  Not only that there's no phone calls from either one of them to each other.  They weren't usually likely to chat on the phone but still, there's nothing from my aunt to my mother and my mother was someone who definitely wouldn't start contact.

There's a reason my aunt has gone quiet and my mother hasn't reflected.  My aunt went through the biggest crisis she ever went through with the death of her son in 2021 and my mother shyed away from providing any support to her.  There was some condolences made but it was superficial from my mother's side.   At the time I thought my mother was making excuses not to go and spend time with her sister while she's mourning.   All my mother had to do was show her face in person.

Another observation:
A sublime of mine - a brother - he has gone quiet and silent from phoning her too.   Last time he rang must have been last Christmas. He was home on holidays in the summer but he made sure not to be available to spend much time around our mother.  They never really got to spend much time together and again it was vague and empty and superficial.


My mother hasn't turned around and reflected on any of this.  She is completely oblivious to these two very different people, stepping back from her.  Shes not able to reflect and pick up the phone and talk to them.

I'm the only person who has stayed out of necessity but the relationship between us is frayed to be honest after all she's put me through.  I'm grateful I'm not homeless but she can be hard at times to live with. 

Now I think she has the I set of a dementia too.  She's so idle at times and she has nothing else better to do except to clean and get paranoid and mad and do more obsessive cleaning an be paranoia and give me orders and control me.  She's not nice.  I was sick all weekend and not once did she ask me how I am.

 

[moglow]

I bet if you thought about it you could come up with a list, people who used to be around that just aren't anymore, not even a mention. That kind of happens with all of us on some level, but I realized once her siblings were gone that md had no one, no friends or even acquaintances really. Vague superficial mentions of this or that person is all I heard for the longest time, always referred to as If I knew or had some tie to them. 

Mother's simply not interested in others, any others it seems. I always assumed she'd keep some kind of relationship at least with her remaining family but no. When she plays nice you can bet there's a hook buried in it, but her more obvious efforts to completely alienate people is mind blowing. The lengths she'll go to shut down/out anyone who chooses to live a life of which she disapproves - as if her approval is needed!

For your own sake, please keep pushing through to get out and away from her so you can have your own peace. Don't let her stuff drag you down!

[Liketheducks]

We all move in and out of relationships in our lifetimes.   I have found some degree of weird validation when I saw my mom gather the flying monkeys to attack me....only to alienate them over the course of time because they didn't suit her needs any longer. 

Focus on you and getting to the best possible version of you.   That doesn't include her or require her input.   And, get away as soon as you can.   This stuff is catchy.

[olivegirl]

My PD parents once had quite the full social calendar. 

Now they are on the outs with everyone, including family members.

Two things have occurred:

First, my parents went from being grandiose and boisterous to being plain mean and degrading to others. 

Second, everyone has their limit and siblings and friends who tolerated my parents for years finally couldn't take my parents' pettiness, harsh criticism and penchant for humiliating others.

Now my PD parents have no one.  They spend more and more time alone. 

Which only amps up their paranoia and bitterness.

I tried for years warning my parents that their crass behavior would have shocking consequences but they scoffed in a most immature manner: "This is the way I am.  Take it or leave it.  No one can change me."

It's a shame but I think my PD parents push everyone away in an attempt to get me to be their everything!

They had a tantrum and demanded to live with me!!!!   

That's not gonna happen. 

They went from seeking out social invites and having a very large network to becoming social pariahs. 

[Zia]

My NM have 3 sisters and 3 bros. For the most part, it used to be the girls would hangout together. But for the past few years her youngest sister seems to be not in touch anymore with the rest of the sisters.

From her story...

1. this youngest had done some construction for her house and the sisters did some helping here and there (financially and through donating some furnitures). Then came a time she wanted to borrow money to finish off some construction and the sisters refused.

2. Also there was an incident when a certain relative sneak into my cousin while she was taking a shower. She told her parents about it, and this youngest sister of my NM got furious. Instead of them to try to help investigate the situation. They discouraged her saying that it won't work because my cousin did not have a proof.

3. anyways not only this. I have heard of instances wherein she seems to be belittled by her siblings because she is poor or whatever. It sounds to me she was scapegoated and/or bullied.

These days she doesn't really mingle with her siblings anymore. The last time I saw her with them was during my grandma's 91st bday. By the way grandma is the one who secretly gives her money some times (enabler), and my other aunt who lives with my grandma gets mad about it. NM isn't happy about it too she finds her youngest sister to be lazy and incapable financially.

It's pathetic how NM dislikes when grandma handout money to her youngest sis and yet she is doing the very same thing to my brother.

that pattern seem to flow to my NM, she funds my bro and his family and would pay for groceries while she would be harping me and labeling me "bad sister" for "not helping" my freeloader sponger brother. Pre, during and post pandemic my brother is lazy so also his wife. They did nothing to pay off their own bills in their house which my NPs own, they ask money for gas, for flight, for milk, for everything. They did nothing either to save money for their plan to study in Canada. And they expected me and my husband to offer them free or low rent and share with them our resources. I was like F*** no.

Growing up the dynamic in our house is my brother gets all the free pass, basically like a "free range chicken" do whatever you want.
While NPs dump all the restrictions and responsibilities on me.
He pockets all his earnings spend on his trips, foods and dates; while I shell out some money for groceries in our household
He gets to hangout and go wherever he wants on weekends; while I clean up the house on weekends.
He would bring his gf to the house free accommodation and meals; while when I was dating my now husband (T), we were restricted.
I was forced to cancel the vacation to an island with (T); and then weeks later my bro and his gf went to the same island -- no effin restriction.

[sunshine702]

We all move in and out of relationships in our lifetimes.  I have found some degree of weird validation when I saw my mom gather the flying monkeys to attack me....only to alienate them over the course of time because they didn't suit her needs any longer. 

Focus on you and getting to the best possible version of you.  That doesn't include her or require her input.  And, get away as soon as you can.  This stuff is catchy.

Yes.  My mom's Narc Grandiosity Fuel comes from her store so for years I have heard about her employees.  And how wonderful they were or were not and then nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I know the not favored ones make up excuses (other commitments) and then snuck away).  Her main one though I just never heard. 

This is also happening with Golden Grandchild.  For a decade I heard how WONDERFUL she was.  She just had her own child.  And radio silence.  I think it is a Narc wounding about her being a GREAT grandmother now.  She is that shallow.