ED and body dysmorphia from decades of parents abuse

[Kovera]

Hello all. I must disclose, my post here may have graphic detail of my own experiences battling an ED. Please be warned if this is something that may affect you.


Today I just can't take it. I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I'm finding myself momentarily dissociated. I'm just tired of all the abuse ruminating in my head from the intrusive thoughts. Even though I'm NC with my FOO for 8 years now, sometimes it still feels fresh in my head. Today is just one of those hard days.

7 years ago I developed an eating disorder. What started as a healthy approach to avoid obesity spiraled into a dangerous, subconscious compulsion to be loved. I can now see it all, how the illness manifested itself early on in childhood. The insults, the sarcasm, the shame and racial slurs. I was never good enough, never thin enough, never light skinned enough. I was not beautiful enough to be worthy of her love. 6 year old me thought, If I could just be as beautiful as Miss Universe, maybe, just maybe, my mother would show me the love and affection that I saw other parents giving their kids.

Fast forward 28 years later. Now I see that the very things my mother despised in herself and her own abuser, she projected onto me. These were her insecurities, not mine. Yet, the child in me cannot seem to stop believing these poisonous words and actions of hers. I recall when friends and family told her I looked like her, there was disappointment on her face. She seemed to take it as an insult. It was like she was disgusted that I was her child. To this day, every time I look in the mirror I hate that I practically see her face staring back at me. I cannot stand that I have her features.

At one of my lowest points of my ED I ended up in the ER with a heart rate of 28 beats per minute, practically minutes away from death at any given moment. Despite all this, I still can't seem to stop fearing the scale. The grip of anorexia has destroyed my body and broken my mind in ways that I'm still struggling to comprehend at times. After much reflection, research and awareness, I've come to realize that this illness manifested through repeated rejection and extreme neglect of basic emotional needs & support every child requires to become a healthy, normal adult. For me, it began insidiously in my past, long before I became an adult. My mother destroyed my self esteem and sacrificed my wellbeing in order to meet her selfish needs and stay married to an NPD abuser. As a result, I had the extreme subconscious drive to prove I was worthy of her love. This resulted in a dangerous combination of OCD, body dysmorphia and extreme anxiety, snowballing from decades of my parents abuse. Today, after reflecting on it all, I had a dark epiphany. Ultimately, what it all came down to was subconscious fear: the fear of being unloved by my mother was viciously stronger than the fear of death itself.

Read that again.

The fear of being unloved by my mother was viciously stronger than the fear of death itself.

There I was, in the hospital, practically on my deathbed at 86 lbs. Yet all I could think of was how fat I was, how I wasn't exercising enough, and how I would not eat a damn thing the whole 3 days I was under intensive care because I'd rather have died than ever gain a single pound. Because gaining weight meant getting fat, and getting fat meant being unworthy of love. The physical pain of starvation paled in comparison to the pain of rejection fearfully instilled by my mother's years of abuse. Sickening, isn't it?

The biological, instinctual drive to be loved by our maternal figure the moment we come into this world is such a powerful, hardwired need that it can literally can KILL us if it is exploited by her. As a vulnerable child, we are at the mercy of her decisions. This sacred bond can either be a blessing or a curse. For me, it was the latter. If you think about it, this is such a powerful biological response we have... it is practically involuntary. So powerful in fact, that staying thin to be good enough in her eyes took lethal precedence over my literal survival as I was slowly starving myself to death for her love.

As of today, I'm at a healthier weight, but still struggle with recovery. This illness is a truly messed up way to live through. Most days I feel like two people; it is like a tug of war. My logical mind is aware of my body's own physiology enough to keep myself from spiraling into dangerous habits again, fully aware of what happened to me and why... and yet often times it seems to flip back to the fearful mind that obsesses around maintaining an unrealistic standard of being thin in order to be loved.

I truly feel for anyone here who has faced similar struggles. I've come to realize that ED's are not uncommon amongst those who had PD parents. Share your thoughts and experiences if you'd like.

[moglow]

I've not experienced ED myself but I too easily can see where a person's mind would go there - on many levels it seems the next most logical choice for a young one then it becomes ingrained. The sadness that we think it's something we could or should do to get our own parents' attention and love? I bought into it too, thought it was all mine to fix. We shouldn't have to "earn" [or pay back] anything with our parents any more than with anyone else - what happened to acceptance, unconditional love for us simply human beings?

I've chosen other self destructive and damaging behaviors over the years, and somewhere in my brain it sunk in:
None of mother's shizz is my fault OR mine to fix for her. She made choices just like we all do every day, kept on making destructive choices that I can't see changing at this point in her life.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz tasks us with "don't take anything personally," which sounds great on paper. But we're talking about our parents so how much more personal does it get?! So I decided to work to turn that around and am finding acceptance that she made other choices, none of which had anything to do with me, mo, the individual. It's NOT personal because she has not one clue or appreciation for me. "Mother" she may be but she's absolved herself of the most basic responsibilities - and it's not mine to take over for her [or it is, but for myself, not for her].

There's a peace in it finally, more than I'd have ever expected. Kicking out the rent-free tenant [her] from my head is better every day.

[notrightinthehead]

Kovera, I am so glad you are NC with your family of origin. And that you work on replacing their poisonous messages in your mind with healthy, kind, loving self-talk. As we were not taught a healthy relationship with ourselves in childhood, we need to find a way to learn it after the fog has cleared.

I found listening to self-love affirmations/meditations very helpful. Tara Brach also offers a meditation to mindfully accept difficult feelings. You are not your trauma! There is a healthy, loving core inside you, just waiting to get into your consciousness!
 

[FromTheSwamp]

I am one of those who ended up with an eating disorder.  I see it as directly tied to the messages I got both growing up and as an adult.  It got magnified by dating people who were initially attracted to me as an anorexically thin person, and had things to say when I gained a few pounds.  It seemed like everyone only liked me when I was super thin, but I was accidentally sorting for the few people who liked the super thin for whatever reason, and ignoring all the messages I got from people who weren't my family or significant other.  I absolutely felt (and still do, mostly) that my self worth was directly tied to how thin I was.

Thankfully I never got to the point of being hospitalized, and my heart goes out to you.

Therapy was useful, as was spending less time with my parents.  I don't date at all now, which is good and bad.  Good in that I'm getting zero comments on my weight from that quarter.  In recent years I had a friend who would often comment on my weight, whether I'd lost or gained. It was a factor in our not being friends now. That feeling of being judged for my weight is very bad for my mental health. 

One of the hardest things I worked on in therapy is gaining a sense of intrinsic self worth.  I had to work through the feelings that I only had worth if I was a certain way, an extremely productive, thin person. My health had nosedived over the years, and it was no longer possible to be that person, and I know full well that the stress of trying to be that person is one of the reasons I got struggled so much with my health. 

All the time I'd worked at being kind to other people, I forgot myself.

[sunshine702]

I struggled with eating disorders in my mid 20's but I was able to steer out of it.  I have also struggled with Alcohol Use Disorder from 16 on that one is way harder for me.

Yeah it absolutely stems from my core mother wound as Gabor Mate writes about.

The solution is found in being the parent that you needed for yourself.  They say to carry around a picture of a young innocent you.  Be that mommy that values that little girl exactly as she is.  It is hard I get it and I am in no way shape of form gotten it right I just know how I steered out of the eating disorder.  I wore soft not form fitter clothes for a year. I ate only when I was hungry somewhat cleanly and I worked out a bit but not in any sort of every day more more more way.  I ended up stabilizing.

Now alcohol unfortunately is much harder for me.  The longest I have been perfectly sober is a year so I just have a different demon

[NotCryingGlitter]

I hope all of you that are experiencing the eating disorders or other physical demons will look into and/or continue participating in therapy and a specialized recovery program. You deserve to be at your best and not let the monsters in your life take your health away from you. When I can afford it, I will get the appointments necessary to improve my physical health, too. We ALL need emotional health improvement/care.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Does anyone (if I didn't miss it above) deal with her comparing her weight to yours, even if she's larger, bragging on herself being "smaller"?

[sunshine702]

The dynamic for the Narc Mom is to always be comparing herself to her daughter.  It's SICK and very detrimental.  Yeah that happened to me when my mom lost a lot of weight through hormone changes mid life. The clothes hand me downs and how thin she was  - this would fit me better.. She poked my poor Scapegoat brother in the stomach and raged that he was fat... It is one of the million reasons I will not be around them at all.