How ya'll doing going into the holidays?

Liketheducks · November 07, 2023, 05:53:45 PM

Spoke with my BFF this morning. I'm having a Friendsgiving this weekend celebrating the whole Ironman season. Enjoying cooking for about 20ish friends who have supported me through fire. BFF asked me if I had invited my FOO. I haven't. BFF is invited, because there is a cute man who wants to date her. FOC is invited, because there are people of similar interests. But, I haven't heard from the FOO in awhile. And, I already will have a big crowd. Last thing I need is mom throwing down. They, FOO, could totally check in and invite us to something....if that's their desire.

I know that we'll be away for holidays. Visiting DH's family overseas. That's a WHOLE other venture into PD + cultural differences. I'm from the US. DH's is from UK, but has been here for 30-ish years.

I am selfishly looking forward to a holiday where I'm not the bad kid. (She says at 55). I am more than a little relieved to disrobe from that role this year.

Blueberry Pancakes · November 08, 2023, 09:40:15 AM

Hello Duck - your Friendsgiving sounds like a great plan. Enjoy the day and the company of good friends.

Looking forward to a holiday where you are not the 'bad kid' is not selfish at all. Nobody needs to carry that. I think what you are planning is smart. It is self-care. It is what you deserve.

I think as the holidays approach, it is more important than ever to practice boundaries. Going on six years here without my FOO around at the holidays, and keeping to the boundaries that have served me well.

Call Me Cordelia · November 08, 2023, 10:45:09 AM

We're having a Friendsgiving too, which is becoming an annual tradition. This Thanksgiving will be my seventh without FOO! It's a relief still.

Christmas will be just me, DH, and kids. I've convinced DH to let's just not host anyone this year. In the past we've had another "displaced" bunch like ourselves, which was fine. But it always felt to me like we were trying to put in placeholders for absent family members, a bit of the familiar holiday performance. I'm okay and happy to be on our own.

mustard_seed · November 11, 2023, 05:34:48 PM

I haven't been around on the forum lately, I've had very little drama this year with both In-Laws and FOO and have been trying not to give much energy to the whole story around it all. But, I've been missing this community lately, and well, here we are at the holidays already?

I'll start with the positive: we've been invited to a neighbor's Friendsgiving. Neighbor and I have been slowly building a friendship around fitness/the outdoors this year, so I'm cautiously optimistic to meet her people.

And I have plans to go see the Nutcracker with another friend, looking forward to that -- I do love the festive holiday vibes and I used to dance so going to the ballet is fun for me

On the ominous side, I had a chance encounter with UPDMom last week, after being VLC/strained for 3-ish years. It went all right, no blood shed, plenty of awkwardness. But... in the past she has invited me to family holiday things and has been pretty insistent/intense about it. So far I haven't gone to anything--haven't seen her in person for 3.5 years. I'm guessing that our recent encounter will renew the Holiday invitations, and part of me thinks I'm strong enough and it would be fine--just go eat pie or whatever and keep it light. But I'm not sure, still thinking through it all.

mustard_seed · November 11, 2023, 05:40:19 PM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on November 08, 2023, 10:45:09 AMBut it always felt to me like we were trying to put in placeholders for absent family members, a bit of the familiar holiday performance. I'm okay and happy to be on our own.

I can so relate... we've stepped back from some friends' invitations in part b/c it was feeling like this, up to and including acting out some of those original dramas, albeit in a much subdued way.

Glad DH agreed to your chill Christmas plan

sunshine702 · November 30, 2023, 05:45:52 PM

I hate Thanksgiving always have!! It is always a fight . And sure enough my significant other and I fought over it... I had to work it was very busy and stressful and I was not enough grateful that he cooked and did not go to his family's

Boat Babe · December 01, 2023, 05:55:27 AM

We don't have Thanksgiving here in the UK but Christmas is just around the corner and I am dreading it already. When I was with my partner we would always visit my mother first and then spend a few days with my inlaws who lived much further away and who also had a house with a couple of spare bedrooms. They were hospitable and drama free. Since my partner left 7 years ago (still ouch but there you go) my now adult son has gone with his dad to see his paternal grandparents every Christmas. I have encouraged this as this is one of the few opportunities my boy gets to see his paternal grandparents (cos distance) and also I don't want the poor kid to have to spend two days with uBPDmum. I find the whole thing very painful though as I don't see kiddo over the holidays, I know that they are all having a lovely time but now I am no longer part of that family I don't spend time with a healthy family (you all know how that feels) and it's now just me (66) and very elderly waif mother with her wierd eating disorders, her wierd conversational gambits and the mind numbing boredom of grey rocking for 48 hours with no distraction because she won't even watch a film on the TV. I really feel like a hostage for the "festive" bloody period. Rant over.

walking on broken glass · December 01, 2023, 07:00:44 AM

I am sorry Boat babe. Would it be possible to try something different? Like spend Christmas with friends or even travel on your own somewhere? Or would it be possible to avoid spending it with uBPD mum?

For the past three years I did not travel back to my FOO for Christmas because of COVID (my dad is in the high risk category) and it was so great spending it home. We'd have Christmas dinner with my partner and his brother's family who are very nice people and then just relax home with our cat. Bliss! This year we will be going to my FOO for Christmas and back for New Year's. I am not exactly looking forward to it (although there will be some good aspects of being back) and will use the trip to decide about how to spend future holidays. One thing that stresses me is parents getting older and more frail, especially my dad.

Liketheducks · December 01, 2023, 07:21:15 AM

Thought I'd get off Scott free. Nope. DS wants to "do" Christmas before we leave with whatever FOO I have that will gather in the same room. Bro is not speaking to mom at the moment. Should be fun. Happy Holidays everyone. Let the games begin.

Boat Babe · December 02, 2023, 03:48:29 PM

Quote from: walking on broken glass on December 01, 2023, 07:00:44 AMI am sorry Boat babe. Would it be possible to try something different? Like spend Christmas with friends or even travel on your own somewhere? Or would it be possible to avoid spending it with uBPD mum?

For the past three years I did not travel back to my FOO for Christmas because of COVID (my dad is in the high risk category) and it was so great spending it home. We'd have Christmas dinner with my partner and his brother's family who are very nice people and then just relax home with our cat. Bliss! This year we will be going to my FOO for Christmas and back for New Year's. I am not exactly looking forward to it (although there will be some good aspects of being back) and will use the trip to decide about how to spend future holidays. One thing that stresses me is parents getting older and more frail, especially my dad.

SHe's 91, very frail now and has NOBODY! Also, although she is an absolute pain in the backside and always has been, she is not a monster and I won't abandon her to her fate. I will just have to grin and bear it. At least I live 100 miles away and she's not in my face most of the time. All the best to you this xmas.