Empathy for everyone else except me

[SafireJem]

Does anyone else's narcissistic parent express empathy and concern for people "out there" but have zero empathy for them? My uNPD mother has always supposedly had a "social conscience" and expresses concern for poor people, abused children, homeless people, etc - Of course, having empathy for these marginalised groups IS important... but what really grates me is that she has no empathy for me.

I have two autistic children (one of whom has ADHD) and while they are awesome kids and parenting them is a privilege, it's also very full on, due to their specific needs. My mother has very rarely if ever acknowledged this... yet if she hears news story about someone suffering, or if some random distant cousin in our family is having a hard time, she's all sympathy.

The same is true about praising success. She has hardly ever acknowledged things I've done - I won't list them, as that feels a bit narcissistic, but yeah, some things I'm personally proud of but she doesn't acknowledge them. Yet, she'll rave about the achievements of other distant relatives, high profile people, etc.

This drives me mad. Is it "normal"???

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well, it matches my experience for sure. Virtue signaling costs nothing. Most narcissists understand they are expected to empathize with these groups and can look good by doing so. And don't actually have to sacrifice anything to gain those cheap brownie points. Me? I'm the competition and the scapegoat. I must be put down.

If my mother were to acknowledge that raising my children is at all difficult, I might have the audacity to ask for help!!! I don't know if that fits your mother. She would also brag about me to others but minimize my achievements to my face.

[Liketheducks]

Oh yes.   Same here.   

[Tribe16]

Does anyone else's narcissistic parent express empathy and concern for people "out there" but have zero empathy for them? My uNPD mother has always supposedly had a "social conscience" and expresses concern for poor people, abused children, homeless people, etc - Of course, having empathy for these marginalised groups IS important... but what really grates me is that she has no empathy for me.

Ouch, SafireJem, this one really hits home. Nmom claims to have a calling to "love the unloved". Only recently did I put 2+2 together and realize that this is where grandiosity plays out in her covert narc persona. She likes to list the examples of how she loved being a teacher's aid to autistic kids, befriended the friendless in high school and maybe she did - but she is incredibly mean to people in her family and in a permanent bad mood.

My mom accused me of lacking empathy about 3 years ago. This was one of the most confusing statements she ever made to me and it really had me second guessing myself. Backstory, there's this test called the Clifton Strengths Test there are 36 personality strengths and the test gives you the top 5 - long before I researched personality disorders, long before I realized my people pleaser/fawning persona, I took this test for work. My #1 strength? Empathy. I remember being kind of disappointed at my strengths because I was thinking, "Well that's not a good career skill" - but I've since reframed that. Anyhoo, I realized Nmom's accusation was more of a confession about herself than an attack on me. When I talked to my hubby about her comment, he felt that was BS and that I tend toward overgiving which is common for us people pleasers. I'm learning better boundaries now.

But yes, Nmom is a do-gooder who never does anything wrong, plays the martyr card loud and proud and we're just a bunch of selfish sinners. And the people outside our family really believe her which is sad.

[treesgrowslowly]

Yep. This is part of their narcissism. They are motivated to get supply (attention). This explains why they act like this.

The result is that we feel manipulated. It is so manipulative to show all of this "empathy" or concern for strangers, and then act dismissive towards their actual family members. Any non-narcissist is confused by the contradiction.

In their mind, this is not contradictory. Because when they hear about news that they can use to get attention - they pretend that they are so empathic or compassionate and concerned or proud.

It's a show. It is all about their need for attention. Look at me feeling proud / concerned / compassionate! (As Cordelia said, virtue signalling costs nothing!!).

But your children's very real needs, those are competing with her need for attention. She needs attention from everyone, and so the various ways that she gets it, do not feel contradictory to her. Whatever will get them supply in a given context.

My narcissist parent did this many times. If it gets her attention, you can bet she's probably telling complete strangers about how much she is "concerned" for your wellbeing or your children and their challenges. I remember being confused by this stuff for a long time. She can't bring real concern to her relationships - even to her own kids or grandkids - but the faking of concern and empathy is a tactic they use to get supply. 

Trees

[NarcKiddo]

This resonates with me. A lot of lip service is paid to my welfare. As a child that meant being able to play the martyr card or the good mother card. Ideally in public. As an adult that means turning any health issue into a huge ball of apparent concern but which immediately makes her suffering at least as bad as mine since she is my mother.

She is very good at displaying empathy towards others when with them but mocks them behind their backs. She always has to have some unfortunate under her wing, however. So she can get supply, company and gratitude from said unfortunate.

[atticusfinch]

Absolutely! I watched this with my NPD ex-husband as well. He would help friends, neighbors, and his family with things, but if I needed something, he had zero empathy. It is just one thing that makes a relationship with these people so confusing, and I think it is also a form of gaslighting, since watching them be empathetic to others makes you doubt your perception that they are mistreating you.

[Poison Ivy]

I think the lack of empathy toward close family members reflects these people's authentic selves, and that the shows of empathy are just that: shows.

[SafireJem]

Hi all, thank you so very much for your replies and I'm sorry for not responding to each of you. It is always so comforting when others get it, especially when there is pretty much no one "in real life" to talk with about all this stuff!

Thank you again. It helps hugely to feel not alone.

[RainbowGirl]

I definitely experience this from my mother.  She has empathy for all those marginalised groups like you say and I get a feeling a d a sense it's not very genuine.  It's only vague from her.

She's the same way with my brothers. She will have the utmost of sympathy and empathy for all of them. Like work weeks going on for 90+ hours and the only bonus is a migraine and just abuse in work.  Her only sympathy and empathy was for my unemployed brother who paved himself in many alcohol fuelled situations and week long hangovers.  She only ever cared about him.


But for me - no.

I had some gruelling situations over the past number of years in work that nobody should ever have had to deal with or experience. She wouldn't even boil a kettle for me for tea. 

[Maxtrem]

Yes, I've been there. But looking back, I realize that it wasn't really empathy that my mother had for others.

She created an empathetic persona to make herself look good. And it works - a lot of people on the outside think she is.

Narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy and egocentricity. Personally, I don't think a narcissist can really empathize with one person more than another. It could be a technique of triangulation, manipulation, etc. 

[sunshine702]

My dad will fix the car of random people I knew 30 years ago but really has helped none of us move or with a tough project.  He needs to be SEEN as a WONDERFUL GUY around town.  They have really zero boundaries and also feel free to walk into my brother's workplace back room where only employees are allowed or into his house unannounced .  This has gotten worse not better as ages.  He will not listen and frankly is why I will not come home anymore ever!!

[sharpobjects]

I have a uNPD mother too, and she's the exact same as others in this thread.

Like everyone else said, she just wants to be seen as a good person. And she's not even hiding it at this point because she often praises herself for "always caring for everyone". It used to confuse me and make me think I wasn't deserving of her empathy — now I just find it irritating.

[Pinkos]

Pretty much what everyone else already said!

My mother would do this to redirect/control the conversation and attention. If I didn't follow up on poor so and so I am made to feel like I'm lacking in empathy and selfish. It's quite manipulative and controlling. How could I be talking about such and such when she's so concerned about this or that victim and obviously that's what we need to talk about/focus on right now? She always has the higher moral ground with the "appropriate" concerns while I was cast as childish.

This was how she made my siblings problems the focus of attention as well and manipulated me into helping and viewing my younger siblings as always needing care and attention. And for many years I did that caretaking! I was trained that it was the "right thing" to do and my responsibility to be caring and giving. Ha! And really what she was doing was training me to always give TO HER and view her emotional needs as my responsibility. Cause she was ALSO a victim of course! She taught me that giving was what defined me as a person. It's so twisted!

[sunshine702]

Yes this really hit home.  My enabling father does this too and I realize it is toxic.  He like to be the big savior for randoms when their own children could use some help or Evan a visit and nope.

My dad is currently building a car port for some random elderly ladies.  Meanwhile the fence on our new property blew over and not a single person from either family will help us.  I am going to have o hire a handyman.  Which is fine just the hypocrisy ya know.

He also fixed up a car which is nice for my childhood friends.  I found it nice but weird.  These are people I have not kept contact with in 30 years. 
And I get creepy pictures of them all.  They BOTH are supply junkies and their own family is not good supply..