Comparisons to other people?

[DCF1952]

Is this a common behavior- making frequent comparisons (either their own behaviors or mine) to other people. For example, commenting that they do more than other father's he knows, or the wives of his friends cook more than I do.

[Catothecat]

In my experience with PDs, they seem intensely aware of what other people do even if they don't seem particularly interested in them as people.  They will then use that information to whatever advantage they can get out of it.  It can be used to make themselves look better by comparison, or to make you look bad again by comparison.  No matter what level of mental gymnastics they go through to get to the point they want to make (Olympic level, it often seems!) from what I've experienced it basically comes down to--I'm good, you're not, and here's why I'm good and you're not. They may not go so far as to say you're "bad", because that might trigger your defenses, but rather try to subtly psychologically undermine you. 

Seems to me it's about control.  If the PD is able to "prove" those two assertions, regardless of the truth or reality of the proof, they are able to maintain control over you.  They want you to believe what they say, so that their view of reality is the one you both end up living by.  They give you self-doubt and they give themselves superiority, and on and on it goes...

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Oh, yes. I believe comparisons are common. It can be subtle too. 

I think it is a tool they use to control perceptions. They can say "look how great I am doing all this when nobody else does". On the other side, they can also use comparisons to guilt or shame others "look at what XX does and how good that is, be more like that person". 

The thing is though, you can keep emulating those behaviors and trying to be like someone else and never reach any status they are happy with. Comparisons just continue onto something else. In the meantime, they never see what is great about you. You can also lose sight of what is great about you too, or start believing the other person is bigger than life - which of course they are not.

[countrygirl]

When I opened up to a longtime friend about the way my parents had treated me, my friend said that when she would visit when we were kids that my mother would sometimes say to me, "Why can't you be more like her?   Look at how good she looks!  Look at how neat her hair and clothes are."  My friend said she always felt so bad for me.  Of course it also made her feel uncomfortable.  My mother hoped to drive a wedge between us, in addition to putting me down.     

Blueberry Pancakes makes a great point:  It doesn't really matter if you actually succeed in emulating the person to whom you're compared, because the PD will then just find another person to whom to compare you.

I think comparisons are odious.  We are all unique.  And I also agree with B.P. that if you try to become someone else, just to please a PD, you can lose who you are. 

The PD is not really seeing you for who you are and what you have to offer.

[blacksheep7]

When I opened up to a longtime friend about the way my parents had treated me, my friend said that when she would visit when we were kids that my mother would sometimes say to me, "Why can't you be more like her?  Look at how good she looks!  Look at how neat her hair and clothes are."  My friend said she always felt so bad for me.  Of course it also made her feel uncomfortable.  My mother hoped to drive a wedge between us, in addition to putting me down.   

Blueberry Pancakes makes a great point:  It doesn't really matter if you actually succeed in emulating the person to whom you're compared, because the PD will then just find another person to whom to compare you.

I think comparisons are odious.  We are all unique.  And I also agree with B.P. that if you try to become someone else, just to please a PD, you can lose who you are. 

The PD is not really seeing you for who you are and what you have to offer.

Totally agree!  Comparisons between siblings is what comes to mind for my Ncovert M.  My sister who is like my M today had a meek personality........to M's liking of course.

M told me «why are you looking for problems (when I was coming Out of the FOG), your sister is happy»
   Sis was not happy, on medication to keep her mental state on track having suffered from depersonalization. This was a scary time but M chose to overlook anything negative unless it is spoken from me, the truth-teller.

I told M that not because we were siblings, we were sheep. 

[countrygirl]

Hi BlackSheep!

It is interesting that your mother thought your poor sister was happy, when she had to be on medication.  It was your M, as you note, who was really happy--happy with your siste,r that is, because she was docile. Glad you stood up to your mom!

Ironically, I bet if I HAD been like my friend, who always looked as if she was ready for a photo shoot, my mother would have been competitive with me.  She was competitive in other areas, but because I was not so much into being a fashion plate, she didn't compete with me there, just belittled me.  My friend was and is beautiful, and I am average looking, and I suspect that my mother also wished I looked like my friend, but at least she didn't go so far as to say so...

Meek is a good word, and you don't see it used much now, it seems.  I would say that my friend to whom my mother compared me was a meek person, certainly back then.  (She has become a bit more assertive now.)  Her mother made my friend and her younger twin siblings frightened of the world.  My friend has had difficulty facing hardships ,and her younger brother, one of the twins, has had nervous breakdowns when faced with upsetting things.  So her tractability did not serve her well in later life.  She has had to work hard, but she has done do.  Her brother has had a harder time.

Comparing a child--whether favorably or unfavorably--to another child or to a family member is very wrong.  We are all unique.   

[blacksheep7]

Hi Countrygirl,

Comparisons with siblings or whoever is a Big No No, meaning that you are not good enough in their eyes.  Just to show you that in your case  it was appearance that motivated and mattered to your M., so sorry.

As for your friend being more assertive and especially doing the work is a merit.

Even though I am nc with all of my foo, the only one of four to come Out of the FOG, I have a very good relationship with my sis dd who understands me. She spills her worries about her M, my sis not having done any work on herself and ressembles M in many ways.   Being the same in personality, she is faithful to covert M  even though she gets jabs, passive-aggressive. 

I was my sis only friend. Pretty sad but it was her choice to remain in the dysfunction.  She was rooting for me when I stood up to M but when I went further, she sided with her even through the triangulation.

[countrygirl]

Do you have the sense that your sister sided with your mother because she was too frightened to break away?  It takes courage to do what you did.

[blacksheep7]

Do you have the sense that your sister sided with your mother because she was too frightened to break away?  It takes courage to do what you did.

Yes I do!  She was very young compared to me, a teenager when NF was the «big bad wolf» scaring us with his bad temper and threats. This was a factor for her meek personality, imo.  When she got married is when the depersonalization kicked in and her dh's general doctor just told her to grow up without any family background check. 

[Dragonfly]

  Personally I don't have any siblings but that does not stop my mother from comparing me to just about anyone. The neighbors sick alcoholic son who comes over to vacuum for his mother.... A friend of a friend of hers in another state who helps take care of her....
  It's reached a point i don't even go to the pet store she goes too- because of the smearing. It hurts. I try not to let her see that though.
  Today she has threatened to tell the doctor that is coming to her apartment this weekend about how alone and on her own she is- and how I live only ten minuits away.  It's all BS. It's about creating a narrative no matter where she goes. Life is too short for that toxicity.

[SeaBreeze]

stbx-uNPDh would indirectly compare himself to other husbands by comparing me to other wives. As in wives in general, so an unseen, assumed group with no specific examples or proof to even compare. For example, he'd excuse groping me in public with "Most wives would be happy their husband of several years still finds them attractive." Or excuse following me around the house and watching my every move with "Most women complain their husbands don't pay enough attention to them." After years of this and falling into JADE, I finally retorted "So you speak for all women?" His surprised look and stunned silence was worth the risk of setting him off. He finally stopped after that.

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh would compliment other women in front of me for what he wanted me to be/do/look like. He told me, it would urge me on to 'improve' myself. Sometimes these compliments were so exaggerated they made me cringe. Like when he said to a mother of our daughter's friends 'I thought you were sisters' with a biiiig smile.
If I complimented another person, that didn't go down well. He took offense. Compliments were for him solely.
He still seems to think he is god's gift to women, from what I hear and his entitlement has become more obvious still. Poor woman he is with now.

[sunshine702]

Comparisons usually feed into the triangulation roles that Narcs live by.

Three examples from just the last conversation with her.

1.  This woman in my store had a butt so big I took a picture of it and sent it to you. 
So awful - she is such a mean person!

2.  Your brother's teeth are so gross and black.  I sent you a picture.  I think even white strips will not work.  My poor brother has had major internal health problems that he is just coming out of.  This may be a symptom.  I HATE her for her kicking my Scape goat brother.  So very very much!

*I kept telling her the pictures did not come through. I am sure she has my old number .  Then I realized what a blessing I DO NOT NEED TO SEE THESE CRUEL judgements.

3. Your childhood friend who I am in contact with suddenly sent me the best tea from Shi Lanka.  Boy is she wonderful and so funny.  — basically She is great you are Meah.

[DCF1952]

Seabreeze--- Yes! This exactly!