Feeling so flat

[Beachstone]

uBPDh raged at me with splitting 5 days ago. He has given me the silent treatment since then, and I've done my best to stay out of the way. (He has been working nights, which has helped in terms of minimising contact, but not so good for his mental health.)

After the rage he seemed happy - I could hear him whistling, joking around with our son. But today, he looks really terrible. I'm worried for him, but also dealing with my own emotions of sadness, anger and fear of what happened a few days ago. Usually I would reach out to him at this point to start to offer support - yes this pattern has happened many times in the 11 years we have been together. But I'm tired of minimising the effect his behaviour has on me.

I've just read "Stop Caretaking...." and doing my best to put everything into practice, but it is hard to move past my own feelings.

It's my birthday today, and I've been ignored except for a brief "Happy Birthday" - he immediately walked away after saying that. My mum notices that he tends to blow up at me in the days before my birthday and Mother's Day.

Perhaps it is time for me to leave the relationship. We have a child, 9 years old, who loves his Dad very much. Not an easy situation to be in.

[bloomie]

Beachstone - Sending birthday wishes for peace and love in the coming year to you!

I am sorry you are being treated so poorly. One of the most perplexing disordered characteristics I have experienced is the inability to celebrate others and the intentional disregard or sabotaging of special days and holidays. That, alongside of someone who becomes so disregulated they are abusive and caustic toward us is a lot to handle on your own. I am really glad you reached out!

What you describe seems like when your H feels his feelings and is triggered he responds with rage and verbal abuse of you. And in the midst of that you have a vulnerable child that, understandably, loves his dad, but has to be hurting and confused by his father's treatment of you.

Finding what is the healthiest next step is very hard. Keep doing the good, hard, valuable work you are doing to understand and clarify for yourself what is right for you.

I want to encourage you to reach out to talk with a domestic violence counselor - because the hostility you are encountering is damaging to you and your boy. If you decide to leave, having a plan to keep you both safe and knowing best how to do that is vital.

Here is a link to a site where you can chat live with someone who can offer additional help to you as you navigate this:

https://www.thehotline.org

 

[SonofThunder]

Beachstone - Sending birthday wishes for peace and love in the coming year to you!

I am sorry you are being treated so poorly. One of the most perplexing disordered characteristics I have experienced is the inability to celebrate others and the intentional disregard or sabotaging of special days and holidays. That, alongside of someone who becomes so disregulated they are abusive and caustic toward us is a lot to handle on your own. I am really glad you reached out!

What you describe seems like when your H feels his feelings and is triggered he responds with rage and verbal abuse of you. And in the midst of that you have a vulnerable child that, understandably, loves his dad, but has to be hurting and confused by his father's treatment of you.

Finding what is the healthiest next step is very hard. Keep doing the good, hard, valuable work you are doing to understand and clarify for yourself what is right for you.

I want to encourage you to reach out to talk with a domestic violence counselor - because the hostility you are encountering is damaging to you and your boy. If you decide to leave, having a plan to keep you both safe and knowing best how to do that is vital.

Here is a link to a site where you can chat live with someone who can offer additional help to you as you navigate this:

https://www.thehotline.org

 

  +1.

Another warm happy birthday!

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

The silent treatment for 5 days is heavy. How do you keep your spirit up? I want to add my welcome and birthday wishes! You have come to a good place. Have you studied the Toolbox yet? Sounds like have started to change your caretaking behavior and your husband escalated his behavior. Check out "Why does he do that?" By Bancroft. You might find a lot of answers there. Do you have real life support? If not, check out CoDA in addition to bloomie's suggestion.

[Beachstone]

Thank you all for that wonderful advice.

That is a good idea to contact a domestic violence hotline. I'm not in the US, but we have an excellent similar service here in my country, and I will reach out. I have a psychologist and we have an appointment in 2 weeks. I think I will also confide in a friend who works in NPD victim recovery.

My husband started to thaw out last night after what has now been a week of silent treatment. Pretending as if nothing happened. But I'm stilling feeling so low after this last episode that I'm keeping very quiet and non responsive, and staying out of his way. I feel like I can breathe when he is out of the house.

I'm secretly exploring options to separate in the next few months, while keeping a stable home for my son.

I've read the toolbox and other resources on this site several times now - it gives me comfort. Other books I've read are Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking and others as well. Plus the Dr Ramani videos. This has all helped me realise it isn't my fault and it's not going to change. (Husband is in therapy for anxiety and OCD, but I can't seem him committing to the ongoing weekly work that DBT requires for those with BPD). I read Why Does He Do That when I was in a previous relationship (NPD) that time so that's a great idea to read it again.

It's kind of funny. I thought my current partner (BPD) was so different to my previous (NPD) when we first met. It now feels like the same sort of relationship but with different faces. Obviously I need to do a lot of work on myself to stop letting others treat me this way. Right now, I don't think I ever want to be in a relationship again!

Thank you all, it is so lovely to have a community who understands and I can share these things with.

[SonofThunder]

It's kind of funny. I thought my current partner (BPD) was so different to my previous (NPD) when we first met. It now feels like the same sort of relationship but with different faces. Obviously I need to do a lot of work on myself to stop letting others treat me this way. Right now, I don't think I ever want to be in a relationship again!

I want to suggest that if you separate, as you say you are contemplating, that you consider asking yourself a reverse type of question in your future self-research.

PD's are masters of disguise in the love-bombing phase and will be whatever they need to be to acquire the caretaker they recognize.  Instead of possibly asking yourself "how did I choose two PD's in a row". Ask yourself "why did two PD's in a row, choose me as the target host?" 

Since we can only control ourselves (proper self-protective boundaries) then "stop letting others treat me this way" is not actually possible, or you would be able to do that with your current PD partner.  Imo, the only way to properly become unattractive to PD's is to recognize our own traits that are caretaking behaviors, and avoid practicing them in some method of steady retraining ourselves while single.  I was successful in reversing my caretaking traits in my marriage, and we became very quickly incompatible, which proved to me that it was MYSELF who attracted the PD predator.

*note: I do not believe I am personally capable of being PD unattractive in my single living. I have too much about me that needs extensive repair.  I have never lived around a non-caretaking, healthy marital relationship my entire life.  I don't believe I am capable of knowing what a loving marital relationship is like, nor trust another person again that closely, so I am just not remarrying. But that is my personal decision. If I wanted to remarry, I would need to 24/7 lose all caretaking traits so I dont attract a PD. 

I will also suggest you take a deep dive into your own family of origin (FOO) and recognize the trait dynamics in which you were raised, and which your grandparents raised your own parents.

My PD's (father and stbx) are imo, fairly easy to see why they are emotionally underdeveloped and disordered in their own FOO households.  So instead of spending my time/energy on disorders, the research I was most interested, is where I developed caretaking habits and traits, in making myself an attractive host target.  There is a comment in Fjelstads book that describes the generational repetitive nature of caretakers, as they end up in relationships which they are accustomed from experience.  Until I cleared the fog in PD education, I thought my mother was just an angel. After a deep investigation, I realized she is an award-winning caretaker who was raised to be a caretaker by one of her parents. As a younger man, I desired to model her traits. I did do exactly that, and the caretaking behavior I modeled is not really 'care', but just looks like care on the surface, which glosses over the true compliant fear to avoid confrontation. My father keeps her in submissive caretaker mode even now, 60+ years married. 

Imo, PD predators recognize the tasty traits of caretakers and then play whatever role they need (in love-bombing) to secure the emotional host. Then they isolate their acquired caretaker, manipulate/abuse into conditioned compliance and lock the host in tight with legal marital status and/or children, assets and other methods of securing a lifetime caretaking food source.

Imo, PD's and non-caretakers wont get along enough to continue/complete the dating process, as one will depart.  Since its impossible to recognize a playacting PD, imo our real focus should be on ourselves to lose the caretaking traits. If we cannot, then I believe we will be very susceptible to once again, finding that we were chosen, duped and yet again legally locked in by another hungry PD. 

SoT

[escapingman]

 

SOT, that is some well written words. Since my separation with uNPDxw I have worked on myself and especially worked on stopping my people pleasing. This has resulted in loosing some friends and family, old EM would have been very distressed about this and tried to get them back in by using whatever people pleasing needed. If I am going to enter another relationship or not is something I leave to the future, if it happens it happens, but for now I am continuing working on myself and my healing journey.

Good luck Beachstone, we all here get what you are going through.

[SonofThunder]

SOT, that is some well written words. Since my separation with uNPDxw I have worked on myself and especially worked on stopping my people pleasing. This has resulted in loosing some friends and family, old EM would have been very distressed about this and tried to get them back in by using whatever people pleasing needed. If I am going to enter another relationship or not is something I leave to the future, if it happens it happens, but for now I am continuing working on myself and my healing journey.

Good luck Beachstone, we all here get what you are going through.

Thank you for your kind words, EM. I wish you the best also, as we focus on ourselves, not continuing our gaze and high radar in looking for PD behaviors. PD's have been given way too much of our time and attention. Its our turn now. 

SoT

[Beachstone]

Thank you again everyone.

I have been in touch with my local domestic violence hotline, who confirmed what I am experiencing is indeed domestic violence. They have encouraged me to consider seeking a Apprehended Domestic Violence Order which will enable me to remove my partner from the home, if necessary. This seems a grave step, but I feel comforted knowing it is an option if required. They have also put me in touch with various services and resources to support me.

It feels overwhelming as up to now I have been focused on supporting my partners mental health. And now Inam realising that it's time to protect myself and my son. I will look at seeking legal support and have started to document the behaviour.

In the meantime, I am going to actively work on self care and building my self esteem and boundaries. Thank you and I will keep posting with updates. 

[SonofThunder]

Way to make bold forward moves Beachstone!  Keep up the great work and progress!

Those hotline professionals deal with this all the time, so are very well educated and experienced. I would regard their advice highly.  They are also not in the deep mental mud like an abused spouse, and not only think clearly, but advise using training plus the experience of others before you. 

You wrote:

"It feels overwhelming as up to now I have been focused on supporting my partners mental health. And now I am realising that it's time to protect myself and my son."



Prayerful thought for boldness, bravery as you move onward, protecting yourself and your child like a fierce lioness. Unknowns are scary but each one you convert to a known is strength and knowledge. You can do this!  You are not alone! 

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Way to go Beachstone. If you need something to hang on to as you navigate this difficult time, you need to know that this is the best thing you can do for your son in this situation. Witnessing domestic violence is traumatic for children. Removing them from the abuse allows them to start to heal. Get your ducks in a row, do NOT let your husband know what you are thinking (the risk of violence escalates wildly when the abused partner leaves). Once you and your son are away and safe, do please get both of yourselves into therapy. Hopefully your DV advisors can put you in touch with child psychologists who understand DV. Sending you courage and fortitude.

[SeaBreeze]

It feels overwhelming as up to now I have been focused on supporting my partners mental health. And now Inam realising that it's time to protect myself and my son.

That's truly a pivotal realization, one that (in my own experience)  will truly launch your journey forward. It still took me several years to leave, but at least the blinders were off. Here's hoping you can exit sooner than I did. But yes, as other Out of the FOG'ers advised  above, plan accordingly if you have time to safely do so, but be ready to leave immediately if things go hot. Wishing you strength and safety.

[losingmyself]

Welcome Beachstone! I give a big  to all the comments above! Good luck, and stay safe!

[Beachstone]

@losing myself - thank you!
@seabreeze, that is good advice, I'm quietly planning
@boatbabe, I needed reminding of the need to not share my thoughts with my partner. Thankfully my child is already seeing a psychologist for anxiety, and we have a few subsidised
@sonofthunder - oh my goodness yes, it is easy to diminish what I've experienced, but the hotline professionals were adamant I was experiencing abuse. I've started a journal and by posting here, I hope it will help me remember. I definitely experience abuse amnesia.
@escapingman - thank you for your kind words. I'm so lucky that while I have few friends, they are close friends, and seem to love me for who I am. Many of them were around when I left my previous relationship - I remember they came and helped me packed when my ex was out at work. They were so relieved I left.

I have calmed down a little, and my anxiety level has dropped somewhat. My significant other (I call him my husband as sometimes this is easier, but thankfully we are not actually married, although we are in a de facto relationship which still has implications here in my country) is now talking to me. No apology or willingness to address what happened. I can see he is self-monitoring the way he talks to me. I'm practicing MC, but struggling to pretend to be blithe and happy as I feel broken. I'm probably coming across as quite cool. But each day I am getting better and will find it easier to come across as my usual happy self. I guess part of me wants to punish him for what he did. I know I need to rise above this.

I have an appointment with a lawyer and my psychologist next week, for support in making future plans and protecting myself and my son.