Feeling confused and wanting some closure

[Pine]

Hello everyone,
This is my second time posting on the forum, I started off with a basic introduction as to why I'm here on the welcome mat.
 
My last relationship was toxic to say the least. I will preface by saying that (luckily in a sense) this relationship was mostly online as it was long distance.

I have written something about what I have experienced, I am mainly after knowledge and of course opinions from anyone who will choose to interact with this topic.

I have wrote what you're about to read as a sort of "exercise" to navigate and process my thoughts and feelings about what happened.

She didn't hit me
But she punched my arm whilst shouting at me and trying to intimidate me "as a joke" 

She didn't hit me
But she told MY friend about my self harm scars without my permission

She didn't hit me
But she told me to stop acting like a child and put a boundary on me after telling her that I felt suicidal

She didn't hit me
But she pressured me into being with her by guilt tripping me when I told her I didn't want to be in a relationship for several reasons

She didn't hit me
But she verbally attacked me to the point of giving me a massive panic attack where I needed to call the hospital service as I genuinely felt like fainting, couldn't stop shaking and panicked

She didn't hit me
But the day after the panic attack situation I was still off with her and instead of being understanding she said "congratulations I'm going to the hospital" because, for the first time, I replied to her in an off tone...

She didn't hit me
But she called me on no caller ID 25 times in a week after unsuccessfully trying to coerce me into getting back into contact with her through manipulation and guilt tripping and the "hospital"

She didn't hit me
But she ruined my mental health and severely damaged my self-esteem, she made me feel powerless and to this day I still don't feel the same, I miss who I was.

It has been suggested to me that this person could have narcissistic personality disorder or at the very least displays narcissistic tendencies... and this is where I get confused...

looking back I can soundly admit that I feel taken advantage of by this person because of the pattern of manipulation... that I felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly, I feel like my thoughts are no longer reliable... I question myself everyday even with basic tasks and I no longer believe in myself, I feel like this person has taken away a part of me that I might never get back.

I want to understand their motives, why did I trust this person and why did I allow myself to stay are all questions I ask myself daily... I even ask myself questions around what traumas can lead a person to act this way to try and sympathise somehow but the more I try the angrier I get, both with her and with myself.

Apologies for the long post, any interaction is welcome.
Thank you.

[turnonthelight333]

Hey Pine. I'm just recently getting out of a similar situation. Our relationship was mostly online and although there was no physical violence, there was a ton of emotional manipulation that happened. You are not alone and you are not at fault for opening your heart to someone.

I've found some peace in accepting that the way my partner treated me was because of them and some traumas they had faced. It's not their fault they experienced these things but it is their responsibility to address them to avoid hurting others and continuing that cycle. You are not responsible for saving or fixing them, and there is nothing you could have done as a partner to get them to treat you better.

It sounds like you didn't want to get into this relationship in the first place, but were talked into it by way of manipulation. I am currently in a place of wanting to be single and find who I am without a partner, but to keep myself open to connections that come. Currently I am in the process of seeking therapy and learning how to establish partnerships that feel stable and safe, as I tend to mistake the uncertainty and unpredictability of an unstable situation as "new" and "exciting" and "butterflies". I don't have all the answers by any means but I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Writing about the abuse can be very helpful to look back on if you're ever tempted to return.  In the midst of love bombing and hoovering it can be difficult to recall things accurately.  Looking back and reading what it was like can act as a safeguard.

We can gain some general understanding of what's involved with PDs by reading about it.  Understanding specific motives/ causes for their behavior may never happen; the person is unlikely to have a clue themselves.  You might ask yourself why you want to know these things.  In my case, it was because I wanted to see if there was some possible way I could fix the situation.  Finding a solution to their PD and our problems was just about my life's work for years, until I finally realized the futility of it. 

I always tried to be understanding and sympathetic, but it tended to play into my rescuing tendencies and keep me on the hook. I read many posts here that suggested sympathy for the PD was not always good, and for rescuers like me, I believe that's correct.

For me, anger was a good thing to get in touch with.  It told me what had happened was not acceptable and that I didn't deserve that, and it helped protect me from slipping back into it.  These are my experiences which may be different from yours.  Please keep up posted!

[Truthseeker1]

I'm so sorry to hear how you were treated. None of us deserve that. I have recently escaped from an abusive relationship myself. The physical abuse was minimal the emotional and mental abuse was tremendous. I too suffered and still do with self-confidence issues because her opinion constantly contradicted my own, and she insisted that hers was accurate and mine was an error.
She was smart and unyielding.  She would speak louder and longer and not stop until I surrendered.
After all of my experiences, I have determined that what is best for me now is to understand myself. Understanding her dysfunction may provide a little benefit, but understanding my own will provide great benefit. I have therefore begun to concentrate on truly understanding who I am and why I do what I do. Now I can set and enforce healthy boundaries.  My advice would be to not waste your time really trying to understand her perspective. Your time would be better spent really analyzing why you could be treated so badly and then still feel tempted to try to work on that particular relationship. She has issues that need to be addressed by her when she is ready.  I huge lesson for me over my years in an abusive relationship was that i can't make someone see something they don't want to see.  I tried for years because we were married and had kids. I might advise you slightly differently if you were married, and had children but it does not sound like that is the case.  There are many fish in the sea. Get yourself healthy and then go find a healthy fish to spend your time with. Use this experience as an insight into who you are and what makes you tick. Become healthy and you will not only be healthy and have more peace but also be a better asset to your next relationship.
I don't know if any of that resonates with you but I wish you the best. I am sorry you have been through such a rough patch but glad to have you in our community. 

[Pine]

Hi everyone,

First of all I would really like to thank you for taking time out of your day to share your wonderful and supportive words and for interacting with my post, it truly means a lot.

@turnonthelight333, I am really sorry to hear that you've unfortunately had a similar experience, I'm relieved that we can connect through this shared situation (and please do feel free to pm me if you wish to share more in regards to your situation) and I am happy to read that you're now in the process of seeking therapy to learn how to establish healthy and safe relationships.
And yes looking back I do feel manipulated into being with this person although I did genuinely gain and retain feelings for her, those feelings were born out of a toxic and manipulative way, not a healthy one by a long shot, I almost felt like we trauma bonded and that was the trigger for the development of my feelings.

So that is something I luckily got to work on during my own therapeutic journey.

Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone in this.

@looking 2 B free, I think you're absolutely spot on, it can be difficult to recall things accurately with any traumatic experience let alone with one where the other used manipulation and gaslighting multiple times to distort reality and/or confuse your sanity, so writing it all down to the best of your memory can be fruitful in some way.

Again, I agree with you... I remember trying to reason with her and let her see that her behaviour wasn't always correct and actually damaging at times and she wouldn't care in the slightest... she genuinely believed that she was right at all times even with inexcusable behaviours so I quickly learned to just endure the abuse even further which of course never helped, so I think you're right, sympathy needs to be a luxury in these cases as it isn't always good for yourself  to provide it.

@Truthseeker1
Glad to hear you've escaped too! I will echo your words, no one deserves to be abused, no matter the form or type in which it is performed.

Believe me when I feel like I can totally understand where you're coming from and feel your frustration when you type that her opinion contradicted your own and that hers was the absolute right and accurate and yours not, that undoubtedly goes to damage your self-confidence in so many ways and it breaks my heart to know you still struggle with yours because of this person.

The way you are describing her, it scarily resembles how I would describe her too, smart and loud if anyone tried to say something she didn't agree with and relentless in attacking until you just had to give up and feel powerless because you realised that you had no voice with someone like this...

Glad to know you have now focused on yourself and can establish healthy boundaries, I too am currently on that journey and I guess I need to work on focusing on myself rather than her motives, I feel very grateful to say that I am currently in a very healthy relationship with my healthy fish aha so I do feel like I should stop reminiscing about what has happened and instead try and move forward with all the wonderful advice and support you're all giving me.

I am unsure why I struggle with trying to make sense with what happened, it almost feels like there is a block and I can't move this boulder, no matter what I try.

I am unsure if I struggle with ptsd, ocd or anything like that as I don't want to label sometimes and it isn't something I've discussed the possibility of with my therapist but have any of you ever suffered with flashbacks of what you've experienced and then ending up just relieving the past trauma you felt?

This happens to me everyday and can last for a significant time unless I am distracted... it feels like my mind goes in a loop and I can't seem to stop this from happening unless I consciously try to make an effort to get up and do something productive and even then if something somehow triggers me these flashbacks/negative thoughts will still haunt me.

I don't know what this could be and this is definitely something I should raise in therapy but thought it might be worth asking just to get an idea on if any of this is relatively common after traumatic experiences (I think so?)

Thanks again for sharing your experiences and thoughts with me, keep interacting if you'd like to share more or for any other reason, do feel free to use this topic as a space for yourself too, I am up for hearing all experiences/journeys if you so wish.

[Pine]

Hi @user,

Thank you for your reply, I actually just had a therapy session yesterday and my therapist remarked the same exact point you're making, I believe I need to be okay with the very likely possibility that I just won't find a meaning/reasoning for her actions/reactions.
I agree with your observations, they have deep issues that only they can address and try and solve and trying to discern what/why/how anything toxic took place will be counterproductive in the long term for someone that is trying to heal.

I am following your advice and trying my hardest to process this experience and doing so just enough to process and not overindulge in it to the point where I obsess and overthink about everything.

Thank you for sharing what has been helpful to you, EMDR sounds like a good option and something I could mention to my therapist for us to try and introduce...

I will keep you updated if anything substantial develops.