Burnt out- Needing some perspective

[Kaz1956]

I have had an incredibly challenging year. Some of it wonderful with a new granddaughter and a trip overseas. Some not wonderful. May I share ?

In June, I found that I had a nasty skin cancer which was surgically removed and was all fine. Less than three months later in August a melanoma was found, also surgically removed and thankfully also fine. It's left me feeling vulnerable and worried for what else might come.

In early September, just before the melanoma surgery the husband of a cousin I am very close to died suddenly in Japan. I was also very close to the partner that died. I was asked to fly to Japan to help as his husband was injured also and unable to cope. I have no words for how intense the experience was in Japan. Suffice to say I am still feeling the aftereffects of it all combined with the ongoing emotional support my cousin needs.

A day after the melanoma surgery I needed to go interstate for six weeks as my husband and I had a very long standing arrangement to go and help my daughter with the new grandchild and her toddler. It was a very joyful but exhausting six weeks.

Lastly all of our children have no in-laws that are available to them so essentially every single request for child minding, help or advice comes to us, or I should say me. My husband has ADHD and while he is a very nice man, the family have learned over the years that if you need anything, you come to me.

In many ways, this is great. I have good relationships with all of my children and their partners and am very close to my grandchildren. On the not so great side, having an ADHD partner is lonely at best and frustrating and isolating at worst. I struggle with it but have never felt able to leave as he is a lovely man who loves me and it would be heartbreaking for the family. Still, part of me definitely longs for freedom.


The question I'm wrestling with is, have I become one dimensional and not much more than everybody's servant? I'm reflecting on life with two uNPD parents and 3 out of 5 siblings. I was the scapegoat and learned that the only validation I ever got was to be helpful. I went into nursing as a career I think as an extension of this trauma response. I have attracted friends with narcissistic traits who have treated me like a servant and not a friend. Thankfully as I came Out of the FOG I've shed these people. In August I encountered one of these people in a supermarket carpark. She screamed at me that I was a passive aggressive bitch and many other things. In reality I started having boundaries around her and this led to her ghosting me. I'm a quiet person so found this incident incredibly upsetting.

As life stands right at this minute, I'm 66 and feel utterly drained. I feel lost and as though I don't really fit in anywhere. I have very few friends and fewer close friends. I feel that I get picked up when I'm needed but otherwise my company for my own sake isn't sought out. I'm easy to overlook I think.

I've recently come to see that 'being there' for others is in part a reflection of my true nature, i.e spiritual, kind, intuitive & honest but it's also a trauma response to being scapegoated, ostracised, abandoned and abused physically and emotionally by by PD FOO. It's been a strength and coping mechanism overused for years but now I'm not coping.

I've come to see that strengths can also be weaknesses and in my case, 'being there' for people has exhausted my energy utterly and I can see it's not served me well and can't go on.

I meditate, exercise and am a deeply spiritual person, I'm capable and have initiative but I'm also alone a lot, lonely, sad and feeling that I'm a bit used and not connected to people. I participate in groups locally but I think due to my early life trauma, feel different to people and don't really connect in ways that result in real friendships.

I'm isolated from my family for various reasons. My daughters and all of my grandchildren live three hours away (think more than 20 trips annually to their city) and my son works away a lot. For very good reasons I'm NC with my FOO apart from one brother, also three hours away. I've paid a high price to get away from the abuse of my FOO. I struggle to see others with family nearby or with happy FOO relationships.

I've spent the last 40 years working on healing and coming Out of the FOG, it's the work of a lifetime but I feel as though I could use others insights and perspectives on how to navigate both how I'm feeling now and how to find my way forward.

A long post but thank you for reading

[notrightinthehead]

Aww Kaz, I want to send you a big hug! 

Seems to me, you have come to a point where you need to change a bit. When I came to that spot I joined CoDA, have been going to meetings regularly since then. It helps me to keep on working on my c-PTSD freeze/fawn response and co-dependency. Every tiny step, when I have stood up for myself, put myself first, been kind and considerate to myself, I praise myself. And I am making progress. New people have come into my life. Not friends maybe, but pleasant to be around. I feel more authentic and less downtrodden and disheartened.

I am not saying that this is your way, but it sounds like you are sad and feel used now, so get going- read up on boundaries. Make lists what gives you joy. Meditate on what you want. Whatever little change you can make in your life that works for you. And let us know what strategies you have come up with.

[Hopeful Spine]

I've spent the last 40 years working on healing and coming Out of the FOG, it's the work of a lifetime but I feel as though I could use others insights and perspectives on how to navigate both how I'm feeling now and how to find my way forward.

I am nearing 50 and going through the motions that you are.  I don't have advice but I do feel a sisterhood in what you are going through.  All of those things you listed are substantial things.  Health issues (even smaller ones that end well) take a serious toll and you had TWO!  A major trip (especially if you are not usually an international traveler) is a lot to juggle, especially if the trip wasn't for pleasure.  Then to be plunged into someone else's life for six weeks . . . that can be unsettling.

Pair all that with your background, your journey, and the awful, unexpected, encounter with your former friends - yes, I can see why this year has you feeling overwhelmed, especially as we approach the most overwhelming month of all.

And I understand your feelings about your husband.  My husband is a lovely man but so many quirks and frustrations.  I would never leave him but I am currently struggling on how to let go of expectations and move forward in a specific way.

Are you able to take a break?  Maybe a weekend getaway on your own?  Even if you only go to sit in a quiet hotel room, the solitude might actually make you feel less lonely.  At least until you decompress a bit.  I have too many obligations in my life, but this is something I would really love to do for myself.  I just want to STOP for a bit.

Or can you find something specific that you completely enjoy doing and carve out time for that activity on a regular basis.  Bonus points if you have or make a friend who is also interested.  Some of my more enjoyable friendships are with people I ONLY do a specific activity with.  For instance I love to "XYZ".  And while other people WOULD go "XYZ" with me I don't enjoy my activity as much - even with the best of friends.  However, when I "XYZ" with an acquaintance that also loves to "XYZ" I feel so . . . happy.  And validated.  With that person I don't have to be funny, special, or smart.  I just get to enjoy something I love with someone who understands me.

I know those suggestions won't solve your problems but might help your life to feel less . . . difficult.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You know, I relate a lot to your post. I too am (I believe) a giver by nature and as a trauma response. I even went into nursing as a profession! Giving feels both authentic and safe, in just about every situation. But I forget about myself. It really is a cross, because I don't realize it until I'm drowning or sick or just at the end of my rope. And then who's there to take care of me?!? And by the time I manage to get some help, I'm already resentful.

I have to detach from myself, look at my situation, and say, "If this were somebody else, how would I offer to support them?" And then look around and see who in my life it would make sense to ask for that thing from. And then get up my courage and do it. Which still is uncomfortable more often than not. Often even that much feels hurtful because I have to ASK and do a lot of internal work. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it, and sometimes I just forget to even look at myself.

Really, I wish I just had a mother.

Your kids are really fortunate they have you. But now they are adults and it's time to learn that support can go both ways now. You have been going through an awful lot, and you have your limits. Definitely time to take care of you.

Just putting this out there, but would a move make sense for you? Where you can be closer to those who would be your support system? Travel seems like a huge burden here.