He realises he probably has BPD, so now what?

[Beachstone]

My SO called me this morning to tell me that he stumbled across a description of BPD yesterday, was up all evening reading about it, and is pretty sure he has the disorder. (You can imagine how difficult it was for me to say "yes - I thought so for some time!"). He said he realises that it is HE who has caused all the carnage and damage in our relationship, and that he probably owes many others in his life an apology for his behaviour.

He understands that we will probably still separate, as neither of us is happy, but he seems to be taking responsibility for his part - and understands now that yes, he was mistreating my son and I, abusing us, making life very difficult. He said he has no idea how I have put up with him for the last decade.

I've read through everything in the Toolbox and many, many posts on this forum, so I understand that while this realisation is positive - as he plans to get help - I also see that really not much will probably change, and that there will still be angry outbursts, disordered thinking, abuse, difficulties etc.

But, it does feel like an enormous relief that he has the awareness and insight to consider that BPD is behind his pain and behaviour. I'm curious to hear other's experience when their person with BPD moves from ignorance to knowing.

[blunk]

Beachstone, I am so sorry for all that you have been through, and continue to go through. I hope that your SO is able to work on themselves in therapy, and learn to do and behave better, even if only to allow you to have a reasonable co-parenting relationship.

This is only my experience, take from it what you will. My bpdxh was diagnosed long before we ever met, he just never bothered to share that information. Until he sensed that I had reached a breaking point. One day he showed me a "quiz" about BPD, basically a series of questions based on the DSM criteria.

He answered yes to 8 out of the 9 questions, but only because he lied about having contemplated suicide...so actually 9 out of 9. Once I knew what I was actually dealing with, I started reading all that I could and eventually found this site as well. Finally all of the behaviors that were soooo ridiculous made sense.

In the beginning I tried, I really did, to follow the advice in the books...validate his feelings, keep things calm, don't challenge him. But how do you validate things like, you're a bitch who has never wanted me to be happy. Or, you're cheating on me and I know it because it took you an hour at the grocery store.

For too long I tried to be rational in my conversations with him. Eventually I learned that while such a conversation with a non would be rational, trying to have the same type of conversation with a PD was straight up JADE. So despite acknowledging his diagnosis, and encouraging me to read a bunch of books, when I tried to hold him accountable for his behaviors, he used it as an excuse...I can't help it I have BPD. Or, now that you know I have BPD you blame everything on that. The truth is, these behaviors were always an issue, they were just so bizarre that I had no idea what could possibly cause someone to act that way.

In the end, I could not continue to live with all of it. The anger, the hatred, the baseless accusations were too much, and I ended the marriage. It was a long and difficult road, but I have no doubt that I would not be the person that I am today if I had stayed. I wish you well on whatever path you choose.

[escapingman]

uNPDxw was diagnosed with anorexia, she used that on a daily basis against me and she excused the abuse and made it legitimate because she was hungry. It was my fault she didn't eat, it was my fault she,went to the gym, it was mean of me to eat in front of her etc etc.

As Blunk says, it's very likely the self diagnosis will only fuel the victim hood and be used as an excuse to abuse.

I feel for you, stay strong.

[Boat Babe]

uNPDxw was diagnosed with anorexia, she used that on a daily basis against me and she excused the abuse and made it legitimate because she was hungry. It was my fault she didn't eat, it was my fault she,went to the gym, it was mean of me to eat in front of her etc etc.

As Blunk says, it's very likely the self diagnosis will only fuel the victim hood and be used as an excuse to abuse.

I feel for you, stay strong.

 

[Poison Ivy]

My husband (now my ex-husband) was diagnosed with ADHD after we had been married for about 20 years. I'm sure the diagnosis was accurate, and it helped explain some things. I don't think ex-H minded receiving the diagnosis, but as is not uncommon when a person has ADHD, he struggled to do the self-work and gave up relatively quickly.

[Leonor]

He realizes he has BPD, so now ...

...

...

...

... nothing.

That's all about him, who he is, his experience, his life, his diagnosis, his plan.

None of that changes absolutely anything about you, your life, your feelings, your experiences, your plan. What about you? What about your pain, your exhaustion, your worthiness, your desire for healing and peace of mind?

To me, these kinds of revelations are really guilt trips. Or guilt traps, as I prefer to call them.

It's a way to hook you (Ah, an epiphany!) and then reel you back in (Now he'll understand!) with false apologies (He said he was sorry) and empty promises (He's going to change) so you ignore your inner wisdom (Maybe I'm being too harsh) and fall into your old role (I can still be a friend) by tapping into your codependency (I'll stand by him however I can) and fears of abandonment (I don't want to do this by myself.)

He's got a dx, so he has the tools to work on his own dang self.

You work on you.

[square]

This site has this phenomenon listed under Moments of Clarity.

It could be a manipulative move.

It could be a Moment of Clarity.

The nature of the disease that is PD is that their Self is so fractured they must protect it using the PD tools. Sometimes they become weak enough to reveal themselves, but they will not feel that way for long.

My former boss/friend, uNPD, had a crisis and confessed to me he knew something was wrong inside him. I thought he was finally able to look at himself. But he was hoping I'd reassemble his mask for him. He changed for the worse after that, trusted noone at all and ramped up his behaviors, caring even less who he cheated in business.

My husband has other (non PD) primary issues (maybe schizophrenia) and is oddly insightful. But his feelings never stay the same, so even if Husband 1 is aware of X, Husbands 2 and 3 have totally different views.

Finally, I have seen that among therapists, BPD is considered "treatable" to some extent. But I have realized they are really just talking about being able to reduce or end hospitalizations due to self harm. They aren't talking about real fixes to relationships, other than maybe some minor improvements in the frequency and intensity of outbursts. The person with BPD will still see the world in a certain way and still place responsibility for their feelings and experiences on others.

[Beachstone]

Thank you all - so much wisdom here in this forum. I wrote a long reply yesterday addressing you all individually, but I must have not posted it correctly. 

The Moments of Clarity guidance has been very helpful, as have your experiences and a healthy (and needed dose) of cynicism. I made the mistake yesterday of letting my guard down when he came to enquire if I was OK (I know that right now, I'm depressed and having difficulty hiding it). Of course, the conversation ended with me being berated and how it was my fault that I don't respond appropriately to his pain. His voice starting rising and the rage at me was escalating, so I told him to "cut it out" and leave me alone, which he did.

I am still emerging from the FOG, and while I cannot ever see him the same way again, it is like sometimes I am on auto-pilot and slip into old ways of being. I forget that he is not always the wonderful person that I thought I had fallen in love with.

Am working very hard at being MC, but I have a long way to go at getting that right.

In the background I'm peddling very hard to escape (ideally to have him leave) and I've met with a family lawyer who has provided me with a list of things to do to prepare myself.

Thank you all again.

[square]

For me, MC was a process that took time. I still have slips, but they are infrequent now.

I am impressed with your bravery that you have started taking action 💪