How to deal

[Sojourner17]

Hi all,  i havent been on here since this summer.  There have been some hiccups along the way and one major one a few weeks ago concerning some repressed emotions regarding my trying to explain my sibling situation to our children.  I have been working my way through that and it pretty much brings things up to present day. 

Over the past few months i have had sporadic phone calls with my mom.  I have been the main initiator of those calls.  I have also recieved one letter from my mom. Initially i was relieved to see it was a fairly nice letter but i think it was an attempt to hoover me in to talking about faith related things.  I did call her after that and let her talk about what was going on regarding that topic but it turned more into a vent session about other people than what she was learning so i tried to wrap that one up quicker.

Yesterday she called in the evening.  I could tell by her voice that she wasnt in a great space.  The convo turned toward her venting about my dad losing his job and how it happened.  She wanted to continue talking about it but i quickly wrapped the conversation up as i had bedtime rountine to do.  She asked when i could call her back and thats where it fell apart for me. 

I froze up, was scrambling for words and came up with lame reasons for why i couldnt call her the next day and maybe could on wednesday.  I opened the door by nailing down a day! 

This seems to be a recurring theme/pattern for me where i get put in a position where i commit to some sort of contact when im in scramble mode (freeze? Flight?).

Anyone else have this experience?  How did you work past it? It feels like manipulation and im not liking it.

[Andeza]

Finally reprogrammed my brain. I had to convince myself that other people don't need an answer right now, in fact they don't need anything at all beyond "Oh I don't know offhand, I'll have to check my schedule, toodles~" *click* PDs have a bad way of holding the end of the call hostage. They've made us afraid to hang up too soon, but  , they don't get to call the shots.

[Sojourner17]

Andeza,  thats what i need to do, reprogram my brain!  I have no problems doing it normally but with her... oh boy!  My husbsnd says over and over that i need to be slower to respond or not respond at all. 

I need to work on my exits! 

[SonofThunder]

Sojourner,

I, like you, have many similar things I'm steadily working toward improving upon. Its slow going, but I am seeing progress. The two main tools I use to develop these new habits are a fidget object and reminder cards.

I carry the small fidget item in my pocket and when I talk to someone on the phone or in person, I quietly get it out of my pocket and roll it around in one hand. Doing so reminds me of my listening and speaking habit goals. Special coin? small pretty stone, seashell, something else? 

The reminder cards I made are a variety of 3 inch square card-stock with a word(s) on them that remind me of my goals.  I place them on a table next to a comfy chair which I use when talking on the phone and I see them. The word(s) on the card remind me to practice my desired goals on the current call. I do the same at my work desk. For example, you could write "careful response" on a card, based on your husband's words. 

I wish you the best in developing new habits. It takes me a long time but I am improving.  Try and go easy on yourself and expect tons of failures along the way. The failures are additional reminders to press on toward your goals. 

All the best,

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I know scramble mode only too well. When I allowed myself to be pushed into a commitment I really don't want to keep, I tell myself that I have the right to change my mind. And just because I said I might call on Wednesday doesn't mean I have to. Because I have the right to change my mind. And let the other person know that the arrangement doesn't suit me anymore. And I will do xyz whenever, or not.

As SoT wrote, to change old habits is a slow process and I often fall back, but I am moving forward and getting better at standing up for myself. You are too!

[Happypants]

Experienced that a lot, although most often I wasn't being pushed to commit to a call/visit, it was more a maladaptive way for me to end a call/visit by arranging the next, usually with a voice in my head screaming at me to shut up 

As notrightinthehead says, it doesn't mean that you have to follow through on the day.  Part of my scapegoat narrative is "unreliable" (despite helping them out at the drop of a hat when need be), and "liar" (my father uttering "whatever" randomly when I state an intention or opinion), so I just let them be right sometimes and don't bother calling if i'm not up to it.  The narrative stays the same no matter what I do.  It's not ideal, but I've learnt to separate who I truly am and how I NEED to operate with them in order to protect my autonomy and mental/physical health when dealing with them.

[walking on broken glass]

I am here for the tips

I like the idea of the figdet item and the cards. Perhaps you can have fixed expressions on the cards that you can repeat like 'Not sure, I will have to check', 'I don't know yet', 'I will let you know in due course', 'we will talk at some point' followed by 'listen, I really have to go'.

I have trouble ending the conversation. My sister will always drag it out, coming up with a new conversation topic just when I say 'ok I will have to go now'. She's kept me on the phone many times for at least half an hour more with tricks like that. My partner jokes that I will have to say at least ten times 'ok, I will hang up now' before actually hanging up.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you all.  I like the card idea.  I will write up a few to help me. 

Today is usually the day i call if i call.  Feeling a lot of anxiety alarms though so we will see.  If i can get my body to calm down i will call but steer away from any gossip/negative talk.  Perhaps just a quick call to talk about light topics.  I will write those ideas on cards too. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Definitely write yourself a little cheat sheet/reminder/script, and get it out before the call. Something like Andeza's suggestion is great because it works for demands for another phone call, visits, etc.

I've found it helpful to break it into two parts. I start with "I don't know." Because it's the truth and easy to have locked and loaded for most demands or invasive questions, even if I get flustered and panicky (been there!). And then I practice adding on, "I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you." The key is not saying when you'll get back to them.