square’s 2024 resolution: social skills

[square]

My goal for 2023 was physical health, and I slam dunked it. I have enjoyed surprising benefits and am committed to keeping going.

I knew all year what my next goal should be, and frankly it's harder for me. It's to work on being social again.

My biggest obstacle is being both legally deaf and legally blind. The combination makes it very hard for me to interact with people. I do not know if they are talking to me, and I make all sorts of awkward mistakes. I can't return a quick smile or nod from a passerby.

If someone knows me at all, it's fine, because they quickly learn to get my attention before conversing and then we are good. But with a single exception, I don't know anyone anymore.

I read in an online blind community how they often feel stared at. It made me realize that I feel the opposite, I feel completely invisible.

I think my feeling invisible may actually be to a pathological degree. I walk through any space, such as a mall, and absolutely assume I'm entirely unseen. I even assume that people I directly interact with, such as sales clerks, barely notice me, and would not be able to pick me out of a lineup 30 minutes later.

I believe there is a main cause of this and a supporting cause that has pushed me over the edge. The main cause is just a simple idea going back to grade school. As a hearing impaired child, I struggled socially. I just didn't follow along well with what was going on. Plus, this year I realized that starting school a year early had a profound effect, as I was a year or more younger than everyone else. I had no academic problems, but a year is a big difference in first grade. I took on the lifelong idea that I was very short (I'm actually average) and completely unathletic. And always struggled to fit in with my peers.

So I felt invisible to an extent always. I've made stupid mistakes like thinking somebody was talking to me only to realize, with horror, they were talking to the person next to or behind me. I learned to assume nobody was talking to me unless it was absolutely incontrovertible.

Now I can't see people's faces. So my invisibility assumption is astronomical. In some ways it's actually nice. I don't feel self conscious. Also a lot of women find relief no longer being harrassed or actually molested when we age out of our 20s (I had some scary incidents from back then).

But it does also feel sort of lonely to feel that invisible. To make zero mark on the world, to not even enter a stranger's field of vision at all.

The reality is that I must be seen by at least some people. I use a white cane, which is not something I want to be seen for, but it's just a reality that some people must notice. I also do try to look nice and fashionable. A woman did actually go to some effort a couple of months ago to express her admiration for my outfit - and she had to actually touch me before I realized she was talking to me, poor lady.

How many people speak to me and give up before I know it? I remember in high school I had at least two people tell me "oh my gosh, you are so nice, I thought you were pretty cold when I'd say hi to you but you didn't respond but you're actually so nice!" I was horrified. I knew I was hearing impaired but did not yet know I was legally blind - I had no idea anybody was saying hi to me. I don't even know how that works, do people just going around saying hi to people??

Sorry for the novel. I do appreciate the space to process thoughts outside of my head.

So the first task of my resolution is this.

I often walk with DD on a hiking trail. Sometimes people say hi when they pass us. I absolutely panic in terror, having no idea if they are saying hi to us or unknown people nearby or maybe they aren't even saying hi at all. DD is zero help, neurodivergent and freezes. Good grief we are a pair. I usually just smile somewhat in the person's direction and hope that it covers any scenario, whether they greeted us or not. Obviously it doesn't, but they have no idea the terror I feel - feeling it physically right now as I type this.

So first resolution is that I will give a clear, friendly, verbal greeting, plus attempt something like eye contact (I will sometimes fail to find them but I will TRY) whenever I hear anyone say something that sounds like a greeting.

For now, I will not require myself to initiate any greeting. Just return anything I think could be a greeting. And if they weren't actually greeting me, oh well.

[notrightinthehead]

Square, you are such a valuable member here, I am convinced people who are lucky enough to get to know you, would be fortunate and only too happy to befriend you.

Your description of you and your daughter hiking was funny and made me laugh.

When I was at my loneliest I forced myself to have at least one social contact per day. Making a comment to the person next to me at the checkout in my supermarket counted. Sometimes they engaged, sometimes they didn't. But I had reached out, that was all that counted. With time I felt more at ease doing it.

I am rooting for you, keep us posted.

[Boat Babe]

Wow Square, I didn't realise the level of physical challenges that you have to deal with. You are mighty indeed to have upped your physical health and are now facing your need to up your social interaction. I won't presume to give advice but I stand in awe of your wonderful spirit. May you smash your expectations for 2024. Hugs.

[square]

Thanks to all three of you, and brb, wiping a tear ❤️

I took a hike today and passed three people/pairs. I had decided I would not force myself to initiate greetings. (In my area, passersby do not always acknowledge each other).

Well, the first person I heard approaching, I just jumped the gun and greeted them first. They returned the greeting.

Second person, same thing, I was just sorta anxious about it so I just went ahead with it.

By the third, a couple, I realized it was easier just to initiate. So that is my new plan on walks. Everybody returned my greetings, so I didn't feel like a fool. (My anxiety has surely left some people feeling hung out to dry, and I've always been sorry about it).

I don't always know someone is approaching, but today no problems there.

So far so good!

[Cat of the Canals]

I've made stupid mistakes like thinking somebody was talking to me only to realize, with horror, they were talking to the person next to or behind me.

I don't know if it's helpful to point this out, but this happens to people who don't have hearing and vision impairments as well. And I don't know why it's so mortifying, but it is! The absolutely most embarrassing instance I ever had was in college. I went to a distant relative's funeral and wake and really didn't know anyone there except the dead man's daughter (and we weren't close either). I was in a sea of strangers, and I turned and saw the daughter looking at me and frantically waving her arm from the other room. So I walked over, and she sort of awkwardly glanced past me and said, "Oh... not you." Then realizing this might sound rude, she added, "But you can stay, too!" Which honestly might have made it worse. This was almost 20 years ago and thinking about it still makes me want to crawl under a rock.

I've also struggled with the walking greeting thing. I'm very introverted and don't love interacting with strangers, and I used to agonize over, "Should I say hi first or wait until they say hi?" Like you, I've also found it's way less stressful to simply commit to always saying hi. Or giving a nod and a smile. Or raising a hand to wave. I would say it's pretty rare (like less than 10% of the time) that people don't return the greeting in some way, and I've noticed it's almost always runners, who I suspect are trying to stay "in the zone" or something.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm minimizing your struggles at all. I imagine it's incredibly isolating. But I can empathize strongly with feeling like a total failure when it comes to social situations. 

[square]

No, I don't feel like you're minimizing at all! And appreciate that you can relate.

Yes, it's odd why it's so mortifying. I think there's multiple things. We just plain feel stupid. We also feel rejected in a way - thought we were being addressed/welcomed/connected to, but nope, and that feels like a rejection.

I have the odd experience of finding high school a social relief. Before then, I just had a hard time fitting in and made so many mistakes. So when I went to boarding school, I had the opportunity to reinvent myself. In middle school I tried to make friends. In high school, I let them come to me.

Interestingly, they did. No matter how standoffish I might have appeared, people still engaged with me. And instead of looking desperate, I had my dignity. I wasn't Miss Popular but nobody scorned me and I had friends.

So this goes well beyond saying hi on the trail. I learned to not put myself out there at all.

Unfortunately, I've become so isolated that it's not working for me anymore.

H is a paranoid personality and a hermit. So over the years he pretty well discouraged any social contact I had. (And neither of us is from here). He would point out everyone's flaws to an extreme and have paranoid ideas about their motives. And would flip out when I'd do stuff like go to the gym, see an author on a book tour, etc.

Well, he can't keep me isolated anymore, but it's just so hard for me to meet people.

That's my ultimate goal, but I'm starting small.

At some point I think my next step will be to have the courage to, on the very unusual occasion someone is talking to me, ask to connect somehow ("was great talking to you, lmk if you want to do coffee sometime").

On Halloween, I chatted with a lady who was so friendly I wanted to ask that but didn't know if it would be weird. Plus I could see she knew all her neighbors so naturally she's not exactly hurting for friends. But I've decided, next time something like that comes up, I'm gonna go for it. Either I get asuper soft rejection ("oh that would be great!" and nothing more), or they actually ask me for my phone number 💪

[losingmyself]

Square, I admire your courage to get yourself out there, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend!
Now that I'm single, I realize that I don't have many friends, and I need to have the courage to do things to socialize, I just don't know how. But my internal voice tells me that I am, although nice, I am not interesting, nor do I have much to offer in the way of friendship.  I struggle with this and find it more comfortable to be alone. Safe from judgements, and saying stupid things that I regret later. I hope to find ways to get myself out there, and decided to say things that I am thinking, such as offering a compliment when I can, even if it's small. The other day while getting bloodwork done, the lab tech had a very beautiful wedding ring, and I told her so. Not a big deal, but I hope I made her feel good, getting that compliment.  Small steps, I guess. I also joined a FB group of my high school classmates and it was nice to get messages from people who remember me and were happy to see my posts. 
That bad little voice,  though... saying "Well, they don't really know you. They wouldn't be so impressed if they spent time with you"
Good luck to all of us trying to quiet it.

[square]

I'm so sorry you have a voice that devalues you. You are quite interesting and have a lot to offer as a friend. I do know exactly how it feels to just feel more comfortable alone. But I know that connecting with other human beings is a large part of having a rich life, and it can be done in an introverted way.

And yes, I'm sure your compliment felt good to her. Heck, I remember fondly having my necklace complimented some months ago, not because I'm a big jewelry person, but I just felt seen and that was surprising and nice.

On my first baby step, I think I graduated. I greeted a guy who did not reply to me - not sure if he had earbuds in or it was a case of "Yankee friendliness" lol but it really didn't bother me. What makes me feel embarrassed is thinking someone is talking to me when they aren't. So I found initiating greetings works just fine for me, and being ignored is no skin off my back (I didn't know for sure how I'd feel).

I'm not sure what my next task will be, but I'll report back.