Medium chill & intimacy

[DCF1952]

I'm discovering that they are so oblivious to my "medium chill" that they think "everything is fine." They are demanding of intimacy. This is not something I remotely want. They're tantrumming, badgering, relentlessly asking for it. We have a toddler with a stomach virus that's been throwing up and he wants me to "sneak away" cause the kid seems occupied with the tv. I think he's finally left me alone but not after making me feel so utterly worthless.

[DCF1952]

Interestingly he did mention emotional closeness recently and in a moment of weakness I admitted that it just didn't feel safe for me to do so. I cited three or four recent situations and then I remembered to shut up. 

[square]

I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing sexual coercion. That would be extremely stressful. I am wishing you strength.

[bloomie]

I'm discovering that they are so oblivious to my "medium chill" that they think "everything is fine." They are demanding of intimacy. This is not something I remotely want. They're tantrumming, badgering, relentlessly asking for it. We have a toddler with a stomach virus that's been throwing up and he wants me to "sneak away" cause the kid seems occupied with the tv. I think he's finally left me alone but not after making me feel so utterly worthless.

I know of no one, not a single person, when dealing with a sick toddler with a stomach virus that wants to sneak away anywhere other than the quiet aloneness of their bedroom to get some much needed rest.   

The only one who has control over your emotions and how you allow others' unreasonable, tone deaf, selfish demands to impact your view of yourself is you. I mean that message ever so gently, but we have become a culture that has bought into the idea that the responsibility for how people feel is outside of themselves. And also, that feelings are = to facts. And those in our inner circle that are egocentric and opportunistic, insistent on keeping us in a step down position, absolutely parlay that into emotional manipulation and, in your case, sexual coercion.

We come here to lift each other up out of the fear, obligation, and guilt that we are living in when we are in intimate relationship with such a one who would be so blind to the unfolding challenges of a sick kiddo and an exhausted partner and seek to have his needs met in the midst of that. 

Learning to set internal boundaries around if we take in and make truth from the words and actions of someone, who is at the least from what you describe here, self seeking, is hard work, but I promise you, worthy work that will begin to transform your view of yourself and the value of you and all you bring to your family and the world around you.

Keep coming back and letting us know how you are fairing! We are here to support and encourage you! 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

My experience, "intimacy" slowly became a way to control me.  And, another way to pretend that every thing was okay.

When I couldn't pretend, my ex was able to turn it around and blame me. He would call me cold, heartless, mean.   Of course, he never remembered all his verbal and emotional abuse.

[Sector]

This completely resonates with me and I'm sorry you're in that position.  I spent years being parentified all day long and then faced with tantrums when I wasn't feeling the intimacy with the person treating me like his mom all day. (And also I was being actual mom to two little ones.) I did actually try to explain this to him, but he never understood what I meant about treating me like his wife the rest of the time and not his mom.  I gave in sometimes thinking that was less awful than another tantrum and hated myself for it. Stay true to yourself.

[DCF1952]

Sector, you nailed that when you described it as being treated like his mom all day. He actually treats his mother quite poorly, as well.

When he is acting up, and the two little ones are acting up, I have said directly to him that there are three males tantrumming right now. He looked at me really confused (and surprisingly, didn't bite my head off)