Opting out of the family heirlooms

[Call Me Cordelia]

I do have a few nice things from our parents still. Technically most of these belong to my children and husband so I don't feel right about getting rid of their stuff. But all the other holiday decorations and stuff that were "passed on" (aka we were their personal Goodwill) is long gone. It's a shame   because some of it is quite nice... handmade cross stitch stockings! If she'd been nicer to me I'd be happy to have something like that and display it for my kids. But as it is, I've moved it out of the Christmas stuff and down the memory hole until they are grown up. Now maybe I won't have this Grinchy moment every year.   

[footprint33]

Hi Cordelia, my parents held hostage to most of my most meaningful belongings. They never returned them and I had to emotionally detach myself from those things years ago. However, like you, I did have a few of THEIR items that were leftover from the old days, some of which they had given me to keep me in the loop, and I threw most of those out. There was no sense for me in holding onto those items, which just reminded me of my narcissistic parents and could even trigger me and bring up memories of the abuse.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, exactly. Happy holiday nostalgia they were not. It's been a long time to sift out all of it. What can I say they were hoarders who liked to mark their territory. And both of our mothers particularly claimed Christmas. I think we're finally just about there! Our home, our tastes, our stuff. Ahhh. There's no place like home for the holidays.

[footprint33]

It can be comforting and empowering to have brand new material items and create new traditions that have nothing to do with FOO or what they did when I was growing up. The big rupture for me was in 2009 and I haven't spent any holiday with them since 2008. The first few holiday seasons were a bit difficult for me because I was so used to FOO at the holidays, but now our family has our own traditions that have nothing to do with FOO. I'd say that things started to get easier around the third holiday season.

Another thing that helps me sometimes, and especially helped me back around 2009-2012, was to treat myself in a special way during the holidays. I'd go to a salon, go to a nice restaurant, buy a new outfit, etc. In one sense this is just a type of distraction, but I think it also works to celebrate the adult child who is estranged.

[bloomie]

Cordelia - I am thankful you have moved certain things either out of your Christmas treasures or out of your home! It does take a while, doesn't it? Two of my sibs have several things that were my parents' treasures that they display and send pics of each holiday season. They seem to have great meaning to both of them.

What I remember, when looking at them is my mother's meltdowns every single year when we innocently began to decorate the tree. That was quite the tradition... 

It really does feel wonderful to be able to decorate and celebrate without the drama and trauma and without any physical reminders of it! Woo Hoo!!!