Venting, sorry but have to

[Prototypian]

I'm keeping my spirits up.   Family is coming to town and hoarding is always an issue.   I had a plumber come out to replace a poorly working shower valve.   The shower is upstairs and backs up to a closet at the top of the stairs.   This is a closet that is filled from floor to the ceiling 8 feet tall with the window full when visible to the outside.   It's bags of clothing, literally every single thing my kids have ever worn from infant to their lives leaving for college. (As an aside I have a boxing heavy bag that's 100 lbs and it's full of shredded rags packed tight). These trash bags full of clothes are that heavy.   I could not even carry them out of this closet and I lift heavy weights.  I was physically and emotionally defeated after clearing that out for the plumber.   When she got home and saw what had been done she sobbed absolutely petrified someone had been messing with her things.   She grilled me for an hour about why the plumber had to go through the wall, why did he have to cut a hole, she has never heard of this before, why did a valve have to be changed, she would never have agreed to this if she knew that they had to cut a hole in the wall, how did I patch the hole, why didnt I save the original sheet rock, how much did the patch stuff cost, why did I do it this way.    Why did the valve have to be replaced.   Then when I asked if we could put the stuff back she decided she can't let it go back until she goes thrpught it to make sure it's not going to get damaged.   It's black trash bags full of clothing:  old Halloween costumes and dress up, socks from feet that long ago grew large, shorts, underwear, jackets, literally every single solitary article of clothing that three children from birth through age 19 or so have ever worn.   Giving it away isn't an option for her because "she wants to make sure it goes to someone who will use it the best way". 

I protected myself with the usual method of giving up.   I just gave up.   I'm not putting it back.  It's a pile 8 feet wide and at least three feet tall of plastic trash bags at the top of the stairs and I just have to leave it but at least the shower works for family.

[Poison Ivy]

Jsinjin, I'm sorry that you and your spouse and the rest of your family have to go through things such as this because of your spouse's personality disorder and untreated mental illness.

[SonofThunder]

Jsinjin, I'm sorry that you and your spouse and the rest of your family have to go through things such as this because of your spouse's personality disorder and untreated mental illness.

+1

SoT

[Prototypian]

I talked to her.   Not about the specific problem or the personality disorder.   I explained what I actually wanted for my life and how that worked from a home, finances, activities and interactions.   She said she appreciates that.  Her goals are to show the world that she never wastes anything and that she never backs down from any fight.  She doesn't ever want to be the person who just buys a new car when the old one is running or could be running, she doesn't want to be a person with a maid or who just uses money to solve their problems.   We talked a lot.  She grew up dirt poor like they often did not have month to month electricity, she and her brothers were on free lunches at school and her dad sometimes hunted deer for food.   Her dad taught her to never waste and she doesn't want to be the kind of person who would throw away something that still has value. 

Believe me I get it.   Few people grew up as overprivileged as me and I get it.   I didn't have to pay for any college, grad school and have never lived month to month.   But I think this is wrong.  We have 8 cars five of which don't work in the driveway or driveway at my second house.   We have over 50 bags from the vacuum cleaner stacked on shelves in the garage to someday sift through to find lost Legos.   I have a bearing puller I bought to pull the throwout bearing on a 1980 Toyota stick shift pickup truck pressure plate in the transmission.   I did manage to give that truck away after graduate school but I am NEVER EVER going to pull a bearing out of a truck transmission again.   That's not at all saying I'm too good to pull bearings it's that I never want to have to fix my own car for any reason ever again.   

My company upgrades my home office computer stuff about every 5 years and they mail me boxes of stuff.  They want old laptops back I think to destroy them but they don't want the cheap monitors back.   I donated two of them to the boy scout troop nearby and the level of absolutely deep concern about how the scouts would use them, is this the best thing to do with them, what if the company comes back asking for them, what will we do, what if we need a monitor.   

It's weird because when I wrote a big donation to my college alumni association her concern was not the money.  She cried because she did not want it to look like I was trying to impress people.   

She doesn't like the yard mowed because she doesn't like it to seem like we are trying to look "rich".   Except that every three years she spends about 50k on a campaign to get reelected to a political position that pays nothing and refuses any donations to avoid looking like she is taking favors.   The hypocrisy here is that if you can afford to cash flow your own campaign worth that much you're not poor even if you don't let your husband mow the lawn.   

OCPD is such a bizarre set of shifting justifications.

[Pepin]

This is so tough, I really feel for you.  I was actually a bit triggered because my father did the same.  He saved everything...and I mean everything!  It was quite sad actually...that a man like him living in a 3000sq foot home, filled top to bottom with stuff, garage full and other parts of his property piled with stuff.  I really don't know what he was thinking -- other than "if I hang onto all of this stuff, my children will return some day and go through it and that will count as visiting me."  Saving all this stuff was his insurance for future visits.  Nope, not gonna happen thanks to his bad behavior over the years.  He's been written off for good and he can hire someone to do it.

On the other hand, CN MIL.....also saved a lot of stuff.  And at her death, there was an entire house to clear out...and what I found to be REALLY sad was that most of her stuff had to go to the dump.  We did donate and sell a few things but the majority was straight up trash -- because it had been sitting unused for years, if not decades.  Which meant that it likely could have been usable by someone at some point before it became unusable. 

I have routinely gone through our household belongings and purged regularly.  Everyone goes through their closets and we donate what we don't need anymore.  It felt so good to unload a ton of coats as the weather was getting cold.  If there was some way to convince your wife that parting with things helps other people in need, it is a good thing for her to do.  Make a difference now before the items become too old and unusable. 

Side note - my dog visited the ER recently and spent the night.  I noticed that there were lots of blankets being used where the animals were kept overnight.  A couple of days later I returned with a queen size blanket that I was going to donate elsewhere.  I was so happy with the care my dog received and I know they go through lots of blankets caring for all the animals. 

[Hopeful Spine]

I agree with you that the rhyme and reason of things do not make sense. 

My MIL keeps papers and newspaper clippings.  She wants to "go through them" but never does.  The piles from her kitchen table get shoved to the kitchen counter before they are finally put in the back room until she can "go through them".  The main part of the house looks normal but the three back bedrooms are solid full of sliding stacks of papers.  Nothing else makes sense either.  If you open a kitchen cabinet to grab a glass the areas around the glasses are a solid cube of papers, filling up the rest of the shelves.  If we go to a bridal shower and they give away cute little clothespins as part of a silly game - she keeps them.  They are tucked between whatever papers she has saved around that time and she knows exactly what she has and where to find them.

One day we were talking fondly about a deceased family member and the hat they used to wear.  Five minutes later she produced a large, falling apart cardboard box that included the hat, piles of framed photo, official papers, and their wallet - perfectly intact since the day they died - almost 35 years ago.  I found it really strange that after raising 9 children (and the amount of stuff that comes with children) that she was able to quickly locate this time capsule box from 35 years ago.  You could reason that the contents were special to her but then why, were the contents just jammed in carelessly and not respectfully.  Another time we were talking about someone's wedding (which was over fifty years ago) and she went to the coat closet, shoved a few coats out of the way and produced the bridesmaid dress.  Like, who keeps a fifty year old special occasion dress in the regular coat closet?

My mother, on the other hand, gives everything away.  My siblings Christmas stockings - sold at a garage sale.  A beautiful vintage photo album of my parents early days - in the trash, photos and all.  That gift you gave her three weeks ago - "here, you might as well take this back.  I'm not going to use it."

My MIL seems to be hanging on to her past and my mom wants to reject everything.  It's good that you are getting to the bottom of things with your wife, even if they don't fully make sense. 

[Prototypian]

HopSpin:

I see the strange photographic memory behavior you describe for pinpointing and having items out of the bizarre filing system.   She once instantly noted that a box in the back part of her office had been moved.   You could barely see the box and in my glances the positions of things don't really register in my brain.  I had a need to change the AC filter in the ceiling of her office and with that I had to slide a box over to set a chair to reach the AC door.   She noted it was different and asked why I moved it and then what I had done with anything in it and why I had not set the chair at xy or z location and finally she described exactly what was in the box detailing nearly every scrap of paper, coupon, photo, and note that was in there.   She strangely characterizes everything in the piles by era or epoch.   Example, she is ons the school board for a huge school district.   Every year the kids classes from every school and there are about 40 schools and hundreds of classes, teams, teachers and workers in the district give her piles of photos and thank you cards and mememntos.   It's a huge bag of stuff.   We have every single one of them for every year and they are stuffed in boxes or bags or piles.   But she can tell you what stored, expired coupons coming through the mail ad fliers are stored with the details of those class made thank you cards and knows exactly what class and program they were for that year and then the details of any other activity that was stored for that era of time.   And if they are disturbed she knows what was moved or changed.   It's like a useless hoarding superpower.   

This is more of a common behaviors post but it's indicative of ocpd.   Her memory for stuff and the ownership of it and the relation of the stuff to her "self and happiness" is a very tight connection.   I think it extends to me and my things.   She doesn't like anything to be moved without her exact understanding of how it was moved, why and most specifically what process led to the decision.

This weekend my workout group of guys had their annual Christmas breakfast with breakfast tacos.  We hosted it outdoors but had a coffee maker and griddle and made stuff.  I had bought fresh coffee from a local roaster and someone also brought a bag of retail community coffee beans.   We used the fresh stuff and I didn't think twice.   

The set of 20 questions about why someone else chose to bring coffee, what they were thinking, how they selected it, what their thought process and store was (none of which I knew) was exhausting.   And when I confronted her about the grilling the reason she finally gave was that she saw I was taking it with food to the food pantry and she didn't want me to take something that had value to one of my friends.   I don't think she understands that the likelihood of a ten buck grocery store coffee bean bag having emotional value to the dudes I workout with is similar to the likelihood of one of the group's conversations not being about sports.   

But the attachment to things is not just emotional.  It's a connection like an addict has.

[notrightinthehead]

This is so bizarre that it makes me wonder if your wife is seriously mentally ill. Has she ever been assessed?

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Boat Babe]

This is such disordered behaviour. I get the poverty stuff. My mother grew up in Nazi occupied France and they all starved, for years. She never wastes food as a consequence and I have grown up with intense frugality as a result but it never tipped into that level of hoarding and hysteria. I am so sorry that this is happening to you but especially to your children. This is so very unhealthy.

[Prototypian]

She is super high functioning OCPD.   She has not been assessed for OCPD and most people with that disorder don't even have any context for the disorder itself.  She is a person who reads at a speed most people can't even comprehend.  She was valedictorian in high school and suma cum laude and valedictorian at a big college with a triple major.  She reads three newspapers every morning cover to cover, watches every local News program at night recorded and often flips between them to see how they cover each other.   On her school board role she literally goes to every single PTA meeting for every grade for every school and stays to the end of every one of them.   Her attention to detail on contacts and legal affairs is second to none.  Financially every single transaction we have made together has been successful from a home purchasing to savings etc. 

She functions along a code of rules and attention to  detail that is both strange and remarkably ethical yet selective in how it is applied.   Example: the rules that the city has for things like trash out at the street-neither I nor the kids nor anyone in our family can put trash cans at the street unless they are exactly between 6 and 18 inches from the curb and perfectly positioned to not block the view or the sidewalk.   She is so worried about this she will call my kids to make sure I put the trash out the "right way". She has emotional break downs about that.   Same thing for rules about parking.   I once parked in a numbered faculty spot at my kids school after hours to drop something off and she eventually was angry enough to call the police on me, her husband, over me ignoring that rule.   That's the interesting thing about her and civic rules: they are to be followed at all times by everyone.   If she sees someone, anyone, running a red light or driving too fast she isn't just annoyed she is violently angry at their rule breaking.   

Our son is a D1 college athlete.   In his sport which is track and field he was state champion for Texas in multiple events for multiple years.   His senior year after he had signed with a major college for a near full ride the state championship for track was in Austin and he had to be there for many things.   Because of that he missed the AP high school chemistry exam.   Keep in mind he was graduating in two weeks and had already accepted a major scholarship at a big college.   And he decided not to make up that AP exam since he was not going into that field and had no need for the college credit since his college was paid for and he will be there for 5 years anyway with his red shirt year.   She was so very angry at him, at me for supporting the decision and at everyone involved I still don't think she has forgiven us.   Because in her mind, he was "supposed" to take that exam.  Our daughter, a current high school senior is on finals week this week as the last week of school.   Technically she has hours of class but the seniors, especially, often bail once their finals of the day are finished.   My wife is so angry about this behavior because the rules technically state that the kids are supposed to stay there and I suppose sit around waiting for the bell to ring.  I personally could not care less what a high school senior who has already chosen her college and is an honor student does or does not do but to my wife the importance is not the outcome, it's the absolute rules.   And honestly I have no idea where this comes from.   Until a psychiatrist pointed it out to me that it's an actual diagnosis I didn't understand it.   And it's not that she loves rules and requirements, it's that she violently hates it when anyone doesn't follow them.

[Prototypian]

I want to stop having so much drama interrupt my life for random fearful things.   Most I don't want to be afraid of random rage and violent actions anymore.  I want to live without having to respond to escalations over her doing something like "counting 7 teaspoons and not being able to find the 8th in an immediate search of the drawer".   To get the mail and not be afraid she will think the stack  "is too light" and that ads or things were thrown away by me before coming into the house. I want to stop feeling like a trip somewhere is a 50:50 proposition and that things will blow up just a few minutes before heading to the airport.   I want to stop feeling afraid of being screamed at if I donate my own books to the city library or take my clothes I no longer want to goodwill.  I want to hang pictures on the wall without being afraid of anger or severe disappointment and emotional outburst.  Mostly I want the random fear of her being violently angry with no way to imagine or predict it to go away.   Sometimes I just have no idea if something small like emptying a half full water bottle that has been sitting on the porch for a week and then dropping the plastic bottle in the recycling will set her off in anger.   I want to be able to live in the house, do good work, be a good husband and dad and not be petrified that there is an emotional angry outburst with a probability to happen like random nuclear decay; you dont  known when it will occur but it has a half life and you know it eventually will and you won't be able to predict it.

[Hopeful Spine]

I've been following along and while I'm sorry you have to live your life in this manner - I am fascinated.  It's admirable that you are able to list and give credit to your wife for her many talents and positive traits.  But the reality is that her issues come at a huge price to your and your children.  That's not okay.

I'm curious.  Does she know that her actions aren't "normal"?  Does she hide her violent outbreaks and meltdowns or does she keep composure until she is "safe" at home?

My mother in law seems to know that her hoarding is wrong.  She doesn't allow people into the back of the house.  She is quick to not let people grab something from a kitchen cabinet.  On the flip side she thinks she is real "cute" when she hauls out those old bits of memorabilia with ease.  It's a weird combo.  She is nothing like the level you are experiencing but she does seem to have a concept that it wouldn't be cool if extended family members saw her stash of crap.

But if your wife called the police to report your against the rules parking I assume her filter might be off.  Even that police officer was probably scratching his head on what to do with you as it's perfectly reasonable to use such a parking space after hours.

Best wishes to you as you move forward asserting boundaries on what you will tolerate from your wife in the future.

[Prototypian]

HopeSpine:

The interesting thing is that my wife actually seems proud to live in the mess.   She doesn't like to have the home clean for visitors and gets angry when I try to clean or hide things.  Her belief is always that "everyone else must just be trying to hide and put a shell appearance out there".  She has no problem inviting her political advisors over, having family in town and makes no apologies.

Whike raising our kids I read a book series called love and logic.   It talked about consequences for actions but what I've noticed with my wife is that for her, the episode with the police for example, is an example of the escalation she will pull at any time in public to show that something is wrong.   

Her behavior is always on, always prepared to right any wrong and fight any fight.   

It's particularly bad right now because the political season runs from now through mid March for local politicians.  Her supporters love her because she will fight for things that are "right" to the end of the earth.   

What has prevented me from truly asserting myself is that she is always willing to go much much further than I am whether that is yelling at me in a grocery store, calling the police if I park in a numbered spot-in that instance she was smugly proud because the officer did ask em to move to a non numbered spot. 

[Poison Ivy]

Jsinjin, I can imagine your wife saying (or thinking), "I am right, I will always be right, and there are no limits on the lengths to which I will go to demonstrate to me, you, and the rest of the world that I believe in my rightness."

[Hopeful Spine]

It perplexing because she really seems to care about image and others perceptions such as,

Her goals are to show the world that she never wastes anything and that she never backs down from any fight.  She doesn't ever want to be the person who just buys a new car when the old one is running or could be running, she doesn't want to be a person with a maid or who just uses money to solve their problems. 

She doesn't like the yard mowed because she doesn't like it to seem like we are trying to look "rich".

For a person who cares about image it's strange to me that she is perfectly fine with

The interesting thing is that my wife actually seems proud to live in the mess.   She doesn't like to have the home clean for visitors and gets angry when I try to clean or hide things.
---
the escalation she will pull at any time in public to show that something is wrong.   
---
What has prevented me from truly asserting myself is that she is always willing to go much much further than I am whether that is yelling at me in a grocery store, calling the police if I park in a numbered spot-in that instance she was smugly proud because the officer did ask em to move to a non numbered spot. 

Does she not realize the line between morally right can be smudged, especially when it's something as silly as a senior skip out.  Or a parking spot that no one was going to use anyway.  Does she not realize that people will judge her for yelling at you in a store or treating you like crap.  It is better to be perceived negatively as a person with a dirty, cluttered house vs. positively as a person with a kind welcoming home?

I get her on some levels.  For instance I judge people who spend a lot of money on clothing, (especially) designer labels, and cosmetics.  The amount of money and time seems wasteful.  But you know what?  I'm secretly jealous of them.  They look beautiful and well taken care of.  I don't have a lot of money for all that.  Don't really have the time either.  But I try to look nice and when someone compliments my outfit I proudly say, "I got it for $3.99 at the thrift store!"  No one cares.  No one is judging me how I judge others when I'm jealous - but just in case - I'm going to make sure they know I didn't spend a crap ton of money on my appearance.  Usually I say it nonchalantly but it is something I feel I HAVE to say when I'm complimented.

I have realized that my hang up is due to never having nice clothes as a teenager (unless I scrounged up all my pennies and bought it myself).  I loved make up but my mother would tell me I looked like a slut when I experimented.  She didn't allow me to take an extra shower or use perfume when going on dates or out with friends.  If I primped myself before leaving the house, I was "full of myself". 

As an adult I know that my mother was wrong to give me those impressions.  But it continues to shape how I present myself.  I am careful to look nice but not too nice.  If I need to dress up and a dress makes my boobs look nice I don't wear it because I feel trashy.  I'm embarrassed (sometimes) to carry the expensive bag my husband bought me.  And I brag about the great deals at the thrift store.

It's important to me that I do not appear wasteful, trashy or arrogant.  Even though all those things are subjective.  Even though I truly admire those well made up people, (who are usually the nicest people ever!).  Intellectually, I know that I can choose to look however I want and I will still be me.  But there is a smudged line between a cute top that flatters my figure and wearing a shirt that makes me look like a slut.  So I find myself more comfortable to be basic in clean leggings and a baggy shirt.  I continue to work on this issue privately.

Obviously your wife has extreme traumatic experiences that have shaped her deeply.  She doesn't want to look "rich" and only a wild spendthrift would toss away Legos.  Since it's not a priority to chase down the Legos the vacuum bags are saved for another day.  Keeping those bags on the shelf keeps her grounded and frugal.

Maybe her natural intelligence has given her an inflated license to deem what is "right".  But you matter too!  You need to be able to recycle or donate your own belongings without any sort of stress or conversation.  Or freely deal with household maintenance.  Be proud of your home when guests come.  And I'm still made for you that you had to move that car! 

It seems that her mind is so fast and sharp that she can incorporate her issues into your marriage and still move forward in other areas of her life without missing a beat.  But you have to preplan, think, dodge and placate.  It must be stealing ALOT of your time, energy and mental load.  I really hope you can set boundaries that restores a sense of peace for you and your kids.

[moglow]

I want to stop having so much drama interrupt my life for random fearful things.   Most I don't want to be afraid of random rage and violent actions anymore.  I want to live without having to respond to escalations over her doing something like "counting 7 teaspoons and not being able to find the 8th in an immediate search of the drawer".   To get the mail and not be afraid she will think the stack  "is too light" and that ads or things were thrown away by me before coming into the house. I want to stop feeling like a trip somewhere is a 50:50 proposition and that things will blow up just a few minutes before heading to the airport.   I want to stop feeling afraid of being screamed at if I donate my own books to the city library or take my clothes I no longer want to goodwill.  I want to hang pictures on the wall without being afraid of anger or severe disappointment and emotional outburst.  Mostly I want the random fear of her being violently angry with no way to imagine or predict it to go away.   Sometimes I just have no idea if something small like emptying a half full water bottle that has been sitting on the porch for a week and then dropping the plastic bottle in the recycling will set her off in anger.   I want to be able to live in the house, do good work, be a good husband and dad and not be petrified that there is an emotional angry outburst with a probability to happen like random nuclear decay; you dont  known when it will occur but it has a half life and you know it eventually will and you won't be able to predict it.

Keep reading that - determine which wants YOU have control over [your actions, behaviors, responses or not] and address them where you can. The only one who has control over your fears is YOU. You know she's going to look for problems, find fault, explode over that receipt she didn't get to examine, etc. She can and will do that.

You don't have to respond. Or explain. Or walk around, over, dig through trash. You're doing those things to avoid a reaction you know she will have anyway. Her threats and explosions in public? That's all on her. So let her, while you teach yourself and your children limits and reality and reason and stability.

[square]

This is so bizarre that it makes me wonder if your wife is seriously mentally ill.

I've never had any medical or psychiatric training. And yet, I am completely comfortable going on the Internet and saying, without qualification, that Jsinjin's wife is severely mentally ill though high functioning.

My husband hallucinates pretty much constantly, is sometimes severely delusional, has spent inpatient time in a mental ward, and has been arrested during a psychotic break. I have some cred in the dealing-with-crazy department.

This? Is bonkers.

Also, my husband knows he's mentally ill. Jsinjin's wife has no clue.

I protected myself with the usual method of giving up.  I just gave up.

Yeah. That's where I ended up, too. I tried and tried. And I gave up and gave up and gave up and I kept moving the line back and back. I accept some things I would never have imagined accepting.

I want to stop having so much drama interrupt my life for random fearful things.  Most I don't want to be afraid of random rage and violent actions anymore.

My kid is neurodivergent, and I recall you identified yourself as such as well. What you describe is intolerable to anyone, but in particular I can't imagine how hard it would be for you to function on any level with this degree of upset, disorder, lack of any type of mental, physical, or emotional space, inability to face events or travel or just plain Tuesday with any degree of confidence in how it will go, and so on.

How do you even manage to calm down?

Your wife will not change.
She will not change.
She will not change.

There is no hope of her changing no matter how much you may come to understand why she acts that way. You already understand pretty much as much as you can possibly understand. You might add a little detail here and there but you already get it.

There is no hope of her changing no matter how you change your own behavior.

Your only options are to acquire superhuman levels of not caring one iota how she acts or to remove yourself from the insanity.

You are already pretty much Herculean on the first count. It's something that you can even get out of bed much less everything else you do.

Removing yourself, however that looks, is the most fundamental boundary any of us can draw. You cannot change her. You cannot live the calm life you described wanting with her. I'm sorry. It's not possible. The calm life lies elsewhere.

What kind of removing yoursef can you live with?

Spending more (and more?) time at your cottage?

An informal seperation with no divorce? As I know you've said divorce is not something you feel comfortable considering.

Just plain checking out of your home life more and more, spending more time at the office, at the gym, on the golf course, with your bros, visiting son at college, and and and, and coming home late and leaving early and just anchoring your life elsewhere?

Something else?

[Boat Babe]

 
and doing something to help the kids. Really not a healthy atmosphere for growing humans.
You have all my sympathy J.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Jsinjin,   Thank you for your sharing.  I always relate so much to it.  I grew up with a parent with OCPD (which is different from OCD).  I don't live with it anymore, but I remember how crazy making it was.
  
My understanding is that the difference between this and OCD is that those with OCD know there is something wrong, but those with OCPD have no insight and think the rest of us are the ones who are off. 
 
Some of you probably know much more about this than I do, but I remember learning that it is anxiety based -- if things could just be ordered in a certain way (whether that's turning a light switch off and on 5 times before leaving a room or having every piece of your kids' clothing stacked in a closet or having piles of old newspaper ads and food wrappers), you can keep the mounting anxiety away.  I don't know that there's much real reason and logic to it.  Most people who grow up in poverty don't turn out at all like your wife.

There's a type of OCD called "Moral Scrupulosity." which entails feeling you always have to do the right thing.  I wonder if that could be part of her illness.  Maybe the intensity of the anxiety of contemplating allowing you to park in the wrong spot (thereby shirking her moral duty) was unbearable and drove her to take such an extreme action.

I married someone with a different kind of PD, but I relate to how hard it is to give up hope that the person can become reasonable enough to be able to stand to live with them.  If I really gave up that hope, it would force me to look at what my other choices were that seemed too hard emotionally or effort-wise to even contemplate. (Though that time did come.) 
 
Please let us know how you're faring. I wish you and your family well!