How does victim of unPD BF's abuse deal with her own alcoholism?

[JustinaC]

So, I have a question about a situation that a friend of mine is in (seriously, it is my friend and not me). I am struggling to find info when I Google it. So here it is:

I have a friend I will call her Nancy. She is 58 and has a 33 year daughter I will call Jennifer. Jennifer is in an abusive relationship with Cad. Jennifer and Cad live together in a townhouse they bought together. Cad smokes a lot of pot and appears to have some sort of personality disorder that makes him unempathetic, violent at times, and generally a major jerk. He also is abusive toward their dog. He had a decent job before they bought the townhouse together but now works just a few days a week at a pot dispensary making very little money. Jennifer supports them.

Nancy and Jennifer are very close. Both of them drink a lot together and apart. Like wake up in the morning on the weekends and start drinking. Nancy is distraught about the situation her daughter Jennifer is in. Jennifer spends every weekend at Nancy's now because of Cad's abusiveness.

I don't see how they can address the abuse if they aren't sober. I've had conversations with Nancy about giving up drinking alcohol, but I just learned from another family member that lives with Nancy (I'll call her Tanya) about how bad Nancy and Jennifer's drinking is. I think that Nancy and Jennifer are in serious denial about being addicted to alcohol. I think that their drinking may be getting worse because of the pain involved in this situation.

So how does someone address an alcohol addiction while being in an abusive relationship? The victim is an alcoholic. I've tried googling a few different ways but I get results about the abuser's addiction instead of the victim's addiction.

Thank you in advance

[Poison Ivy]

My suggestion (I am not a professional) is that you find information with a search worded like the following: "how to help a friend who has a substance use disorder." I know that substance use disorders aren't easy to conquer, for anyone involved: the person with the disorder, the person's family members, the person's friends, treatment providers, and so on. The information that comes up in the results will likely help you figure out what you can do for your friend and what is not within your control in this situation.

[SweetTea]

She has to come to the realization, on her own, that she wants to get sober. Some people have to hit a rock bottom before that happens, sadly. The same is true for leaving an abuser. She may not have the strength to deal with both issues at the same time. (Neither issue is good, but given one situation can be more immediately life and death, I'd hope she would focus on a plan for leaving first, sobriety second).

You can be a supportive friend (with boundaries) and offer suggestions if asked (like suggesting a professional for her to talk to, like a therapist, possibly a domestic abuse hotline, a safe place to stay, or info on local AA meetings if she indicates she wants to stop drinking), but in my experience with loved ones, it has to be their decision, coming from their desire to change their circumstances.

Incidentally, when my loved one was in a domestic violence living situation, I called the domestic violence hotline myself for guidance on how to best support my loved one. It was tremendously helpful, saved me from doing and saying things that might have backfired. They guided me on the best ways to support her but also leave lots of space for her autonomy.

[notrightinthehead]

I second SweetTea's opinion. It's hard to stand back and watch someone being so unhappy. But it's not up to you to make a change. Only the friends daughter can. So getting advice on how to support someone in an abusive relationship/ someone with alcoholism without getting exhausted by failed attempts at rescuing them, is an excellent idea. You seem a caring person, show them how good self care looks like.

[Leonor]

Hi Justina, welcome!

Alcoholism, or any addiction, is like a black hole. The closer you try to get to it, the more it sucks you in.

The situation you describe is 300 kinds of crazy making. I'm not calling any of your dear ones crazy, I'm just stating that the dynamics are so distorted that it's hard to perceive things as they really are.

Here's the cold water truth: Cad and Nancy and Jennifer are addicts. There is no "worse" or "more" or "not all the time" or "only when" or "just because of" or "if only" among them. There is no such thing as being "just a little" or "only in certain situations" addicted. Your dear friend is an alcoholic. Her daughter is an alcoholic. And her daughter's boyfriend is a drug addict. Which isn't any different, so it's not like Cad is somehow worse than Nancy or than Jennifer.

Addicts will always find someone else to blame: "If only my girlfriend supported me," "if only my boyfriend got a real job," "if only my daughter would break up with him," are not justifications. They are lies told by the addict to keep feeding their addiction. You know your friend is lying to you right now. She is not telling you about going on drinking binges with her daughter. Because she doesn't want you to interfere with her addiction.

But here's the danger for you, dear Justina: you're a participant in this addiction right now. Not by not stopping your friend's daughter from drinking, but because you are trying to get all up in it and stop your friend's daughter from drinking. That is the definition of codependency. You're getting entangled in all their drama, and gossiping with roommates and judging boyfriends, to protect your friend and save her daughter and push out the daughter's boyfriend.

You cannot make Cad, or Nancy, or Jennifer get sober. You can't worm your way in with pearls of wisdom, throw in a perfectly-placed life raft, or storm in armed with books and pamphlets to convince any of them to quit abusing substances or each other. Sobriety is not a big mystery. Everyone knows about AA or Narcotics Anonymous, and therapy, and recovery. Getting sober is each person's choice and each person's journey.

The best way to be a good friend to Jennifer is to get clear and honest about who you are, and what your values are, and what you will and will not tolerate, and what you will do to protect yourself, and what you are willing to do to help her. Will you tolerate her lying to you? Will you tolerate her complaining to you about the very behavior she is enabling or engaging in herself? Will you tolerate speaking to her after she has been drinking? Do you value health, wellbeing, sobriety and recovery? Do you value parents who hold themselves and their children to a higher standard? Do you value friends who are strong and stable enough in themselves to give as well as take in a friendship? And how do you live out those values in your own life and relationships?

Justina, I know I sound really super harsh in this post, but I'm speaking from experience and being right there in the trenches with you. I know how much it pains your heart to see your friend so distraught, and her daughter so lost, and this young relationship so toxic. I know you're desperate to find a way to use your stability to lean in with love and do some real good in what is a total mess right now, especially when the people in the mess are turning to you for support.

No one is the Bad Guy here. But that means there's no need for a Good Guy. You can help your friend by being clear on what you will and will not accept in your friendship. You can model health by taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. And you can educate yourself on addiction by finding an Al Anon meeting near you, and walking in to it.

[Boat Babe]

 

Thank you Leonor.