Grief Resources

[blunk]

I don't know where to start, so I'll just jump in. Also, this is only tangentially related to PDs, so if it is not allowed the moderators can feel free to delete.

I lost my father a few months ago. Although he was sick, the circumstances are somewhat questionable. My main issue, I think, is that I have been so angry over this that I have not yet allowed myself to begin grieving his death.

A few weeks ago, I gave my dh a birthday gift and he expressed that he really wanted something else, and that I had missed his hints at such. I was so upset at myself, because I do try my best to be a thoughtful gift giver, and I just felt like a failure. This morning was trash pickup, and I asked him if I should just take the item to the trash. He asked if I was going to continue to be mad at him over this. The thing is, I was never mad at him, but rather at myself for missing the mark so badly.

But I realized that with all of the anger that I have been feeling since my dad's death, adding this one last thing on top of the pile made it impossible for me to continue keep that emotion under the surface. And my poor dh thought that I was angry at him. I shared that I am trying to be ok, but I really feel that I'm not, but also that I don't know how to find out what type of help I need, or what is out there. We talked, cried, hugged, and I promised to share when I am feeling overwhelmed.

The whole interaction started me thinking...this has been an issue since my childhood. We were never discouraged from having or displaying emotions, but we also never talked about them. Also, 20 years with my bpdxh made it feel unsafe to even express emotions, as I knew anything I said or showed outwardly would be used against me.

Now, I feel as though I need to talk to a professional to start to process the grief and loss, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of opening up to anyone. I believe that comes from having been forced to see a school psychologist when I was in grammar school due to being shy...turns out their findings were...it just takes me time to open up to new people. I could have told them that.

Anyway...has anyone had luck with any of the online mental health services that offer email and/or text conversations rather than in person or video visits? Somehow I think that might be easier for me, or even a jumping off point to traditional counselling. Or perhaps an online bereavement support group?

Thank you all in advance.

[moglow]

Recognizing that you need "more" as you work through your grief is the best possible start. I lost my Daddy long before online services were a possibility and I was barely functioning but oblivious how bad off I really was for the first several months. Thankfully a good friend bulldogged me into seeking a professional. She pretty much made it a condition of our friendship and I can honestly say she probably saved my life.

Try to look at this as you would any other service: It's an interview process of sorts. You may not match well with your first try or may feel you're wasting someone's time. Keep pushing through. I remember learning about Elizabeth Kubler Ross five stages of grief [denial anger bargaining depression acceptance], and realizing that everyone's journey will be different. It's not necessarily a linear or predicable process for anyone -you may bounce around and go back to some, totally skip over others as nonissues.

The biggest thing for me was finding patience with myself, slowing down and just feeling whatever was there. I found out I couldn't rush anything, that I'd get there when I got there and not one minute before. Having supportive people around helped a LOT, and helped keep me a bit more stable. Voicing it really was key - when i shut down I just got worse and ruminated over things I couldn't possibly change.

We're here with you, always available when you need a shoulder.