Shame and Feeling Conspicuous

[Call Me Cordelia]

So this post is prompted in part by a dream I had, but really this dream pulled together so many things and real life experiences. Probably going to be a long one this morning.

I dreamed I was a bridesmaid in a wedding in my parents' church. The bride is someone I have a complicated relationship with but it's definitely an honor to be in HER wedding. We were to put on our dresses at the church. But on the hanger was... my own wedding dress! Yikes. The bridesmaid dress must be at my parents' house a block away. I called my mom to please bring it. She takes her time, arrives with three minutes to spare until the wedding. The dress looks right on the hanger, but when I put it on it's this simply enormous floofy thing. I can't even walk in this. I'm drowning in tulle and the wedding has to go on without me. What was supposed to be an honor is now a big ridiculous pile of shame.

Anyway, in my real life I've struggled mightily with standing out and feeling self-conscious. I was always different and simultaneously shamed for it and shamed for feeling shame. Very often those differences and shame were deliberately induced by my parents, and the shame helped along by the very homogenous school/church environment. I was a bit neuro-divergent but gifted, and I figured out that I could get by by people pleasing, and being of "service", starting with teaching that popular kid to read in kindergarten. I learned to crap-fit, basically, as much as possible. But the experiences of not being allowed to do things socially outside of school more often than not, being completely forgotten during summer breaks, being forced into inappropriate clothing and forbidden from being interested in what the other kids were doing purely on the principle of it must be stupid because other people liked it, took a huge toll. All of that has given me a pervasive belief that I will simply never belong anywhere, I will always be fatally flawed, and it will always be obvious to everybody who spends five minutes with me. Not to mention being told over and over that everyone would always hate me, get used to it. But it's okay because I'm better than everyone. Why? You're MY daughter. Well, if dad is supposed to be the source of my self-esteem, well... that's obviously not going to work for me!

Because there was always the hypercriticism. If I was supposedly better than everyone, I didn't feel that from my parents for sure. Your posture's poor, sit up straight. You're making too much noise. You're always reading, pay attention to other people. Stop fidgeting. Oh my gosh, you're not in the ballet, just stand straight! Speak up! Your table manners need attention. We're not at the Ritz, you can relax! Of course you have straight A's, but why didn't the teachers give any positive comments with that A? I was never right, always both too much and not enough.

Now, I still feel myself rather different from most people. I am rather different from most people. I'm politically homeless. I've been called more liberal at church and ultra-conservative by neighbors. We're traditionally religious but I don't feel I truly fit the "trad wife" mold. I wear pants lol. We live in a city. We have a large family. We homeschool, but I make up our own curriculum and don't feel married to any particular educational philosophy. My philosophy is mostly trial and error. We have some neurodivergent kids as well, and they tend to be a bit conspicuous at times too. And now it's necessary for us to drive a full-size van. Which terrifies me a little bit. Driving can still be a trigger, thanks to my abusive experiences around learning to drive. But it stands out. At least it's not going to be white and windowless! We deliberately live near people "like us" because we all need understanding and support and y'all know we ain't got family around. Even our little bubble is not a cookie-cutter community. People have genuine differences in many areas, and it's really accepted. But I still feel I have one foot out of that "chosen community" because I don't quite trust it all at the end of the day. Our church is not perfect, but we're not leaving right now.

It's funny because just about everything about the way I'm living my life was rejected in a huge way by both my FOO and my IL's. I've rejected that rejection and chose to live in an authentic way despite all of that. And I'm quite quite sure I'm not just rebelling. If this life is just rebellion it's too much work and I'd have given it up ages ago hah. But that contradictory belief of being simultaneously too much and not enough remains. I completely understand the urge to control my children's behavior in an attempt to soothe that, to make THEM at least be "right." This is hard especially with the children who simply do not have very much self-awareness. It's painful to watch them at times and not explode with the shame *I* am feeling. I also struggle with feeling that everything my children say and do is a reflection of my failures. Send them off to boarding school, or else just locked in their rooms, it would be less painful for me. That's kind of what was done to me. Alternately rejected and controlled. And the result is this pile of shame that I keep chipping away at, bit by bit. I hope some day it's truly gone.

And being conspicuous... I don't even know if that's true either. I understand everyone is mostly focused on themselves, etc. There's a strange tension between the belief that I had to be the best and the belief that I need to blend in. Both of those are false ideals. I'm neither. Not ordinary, perhaps, but not superlative. I'm just me. Whoever that is. I feel like I'm still figuring that out, at 37. I want to be more trusting of people generally, at just let them be who they are without wondering constantly what they think of *me*.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Cordelia,

I want to drop in and comment on your post, which is well written from a mindful place; a joy to read. You seem to have a thorough understanding on your life, now at 37, looking down from an altitude high enough to see end to end. 

Having been raised by a uNPDf and flying-monkey, caretaker mother, I do understand the weird confusing mix of my youth.  Both my uNPDf and my stbxw enjoyed keeping everyone out-of-kilter with contrasting actions, reactions, words, choices and beliefs.  I believe there is useable fodder of power and control by the PD doing so as (+)self is always the motive for a PD, at the (-)expense of others.  I was conditioned as a youth to be confused about who I was, so that my PDfather could shape me better into the image of the day that fit his needs, and my mother just went along trying to keep her head above water and his temper chilled. 

You wrote:

"All of that has given me a pervasive belief that I will simply never belong anywhere.."

I was conditioned that "belong anywhere" was at either end of a -100 to +100 sliding scale that was attached to a topic; religion, politics, education, sports, fashion, whatever. My PDf would punish me in ways for preferring -100 or +100 on a particular topic, but then he would demonstrate hypocrisy by his later actions, because he desired to fit in with a particular crowd. So very confusing.  I now know that it's much easier for a PD to manipulate a person's position if that target is on the very edge of their heels vs standing strongly and surely flatfooted.

-100 . . . . . . . . 0 . . . . . . . . +100

There is a 200 point spread between -100 and +100 and every increment of 1 from end to end is "somewhere" and every increment of 1 is equal in its value and worth to every other increment of 1 on the scale.  0 (the center) is also "somewhere", and I actually now enjoy that balanced spot, as Im a blend of both sides of the scale. 

Therefore, that "anywhere" you are, is "somewhere" and it's as valuable a choice of position as any other "where" that another human may choose.  As an adult, I  can "anywhere" I desire to be.  Each topic you mentioned has that scale and you get to choose the "anywhere" you desire to be with each topic. I do not fit many of society's opinions of a particular topic's position on the scale. I was groomed by my father to care about his choice for me, and now know that his choice for me could change direction like the wind to reflect the image he was trying to portray to others, because he believed I was his "mini-me". Even in religion for example, some will state that people cant be on the fence; its one side or the other!  On the top of the fence is an actual place!  I've sat atop many of fences as a farm kid and birds sure do prefer it, as it serves as a great place in which to gaze upon both sides.  I may be inside the fence on one topic, on the other side with a different topic and on the top of the fence with a third.  Each one of those is an "anywhere" I choose it to be and is equal a place in value as anybody else's chosen position. 

I want to encourage you that YOU decide, with each topic, where you will slide yourself on that scale and that a choice of "0" on that scale is just an equal increment of 1 going in either direction. The "anywhere" you are today is 100% "somewhere". 

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

I feel a lot of what you wrote.  By having similar experience as you, I know how very difficult it is to "be myself".  It's hard to know who you are when you've have a childhood of people telling you what to do and how to behave.  And then never receiving praise, even after you've jumped through hoops to do what they wanted.

My life feels like a lot of waiting to be told what to do.  Anxiety when I need to decide things for myself.  And then depression when I internally feel like I'm more "special" but receiving no praise.

I am learning to take my future into my own hands, but it's hard.  You are not alone.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, I'm more awesome than I used to be but it really IS just normal to have boundaries. What do I want from the world, a cookie?    That's why I come here. I need the extra support, and there are clearly reasons for that. I'm convinced CPTSD is an invisible disability in many ways.

[Boat Babe]

I think that CPTSD is so damaging to a person and, like you say Cordelia, mostly invisible. The only good thing about it is that it is treatable and, unlike our PD FOO/partners etc, we are more than happy to admit that we suffer and that we need help.  The more I understand about CPTSD the more I am able to self soothe, to give myself less of a hard time for how I am and to slowly move forward in healing the damage. At my age I understand that what I experienced very much determined the course of my life but overall, the balance is in my favour and I am still here! Big hugs to you C.

[Pepin]

I was always different and simultaneously shamed for it and shamed for feeling shame.

This is what struck me the most.  "Shamed for feeling shame."  That is an incredible double wound as if one's shame wasn't enough, more shame is piled on top of it by those who clearly lacked compassion in any form.  I am sorry you went through this.  I am sorry that any of us have gone through feelng like this and it is a feeling I know well. 

Over the years I have been turning more inward, listening to myself and just letting myself be.  And I actually like myself, my thoughts and beliefs....and I am quietly terrified by all the other people around me that I feel are damaging and lack awareness.  And I do my best to take giant steps around these people. 

What I struggle with is this: do people see what I see about me?  Because for some reason I am much harsher on myself when others are around than when I am by myself.  I am working on trying to understand this - because I should care more about myself instead of worrying about what others think.  I've always been a fringe sort of person....hanging around the edge--- and it has never gotten me close to the center, ever.  That tells me all I need to know.