Help me word my response

[Liketheducks]

My father was an alcoholic/addict and physically/mentally abusive to me while I was a child.   Up until very recently, we were completely estranged.   Over my adult years, I would reach out occasionally and we'd have a couple of days of phone conversation before he'd discard me again.    During COVID, he reached out to me for the first time.   We've had some phone conversations.   They've been very low stress, but I recognize that I need to be in the right frame of mind to have them.   Last summer, my siblings went to visit him in person.   They had a falling out with his new wife.  I think I'm the only one who will take his calls right now.  They are maybe once a month or so.   He gushes over "family", but really doesn't have any of us because of his abuse.  Honestly, I don't really want to see him or spend time with him face to face.  It just doesn't feel safe.   For the longest time, I felt like I would feel some relief when he passes.   I've long since come to grips that he was damaged.   I know he did the best he could with what he had.   But, I don't really want to be around that.   One reason is that he completely and utterly denies that any abuse occurred.  Not that we really talk about the abuse now.   He fabricates wild stories about the past.   He's not in the best health.   He's also had multiple strokes.  He's in his 70's has diabetes and heart disease.

He married a woman just 4 years older than I.  When he's had these strokes, she has reach out to let me know.  And, I've let the rest of the family know.  I have had no relationship with her.  I've never seen her face to face.   Our interactions feel just "odd" to me.   I'm glad that he has someone.   But, she's a stranger to me.  And, oddly, when he talks to me and she's not around, he'll say that my mother was the love of his life.   It's all a bit confusing and "icky" to me.

I had a phone call with him a few days ago and she was in the room while we spoke on speaker phone.   He asked our plans for the upcoming holidays...we're spending them with my husband's family.   His dad is not well.   Again, superficial conversation (which I prefer with him).   
This morning I received a message from his wife encouraging me to come visit face to face.  Saying that I was always welcome in their home.  Oddly, she wrote that she had hoped that she was the reason for my staying away.   I'm thoroughly confused by that.   She's a stranger to me, really.   And she wished us happy holidays. 

I'm thinking of just saying thank you and wishing her happy holidays as well....and not making any plans to visit. Polite, but distant.   At this point, I know I feel safer not being in his physical presence. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh boy. You are already a rock star with your boundaries, I've gotta say.

Thank you for the kind invitation, but no thank you. Dad and I have always had a very complicated relationship. Happy holidays.

That's the best I've got. A clear no, some vague non-explanation that indicates please butt out. That is odd, but I guess a new wife is a facile explanation? A cynical part of me wonders if she would like some caregiving help.

[Liketheducks]

Call Me Cordelia......I confess, my cynical self was thinking a bit of the same.   

I went with....Thank you for the kind invitation.   Dad and I have had a complicated relationship in the past.   I'm grateful for where we are now.   Merry Christmas.   

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're under any obligation to visit your father and his current wife. I don't assume that the current wife is the cause of any continuing issues with your father. It's an uncomfortable situation all around, especially if your father is starting to show his true colors to the current wife and she's wondering what she got herself into.

[Cat of the Canals]

Agree with all of the above and that you handled it wonderfully. Especially since he wasn't even the one to extend an invitation -- not that your answer should change if he asked himself.

I wonder if she did it on her own or if he's waifing behind closed doors, and she's playing flying monkey. Either way, it doesn't really matter when you have no desire to see him in person.

[Liketheducks]

Likely all of the above.    I'll concede that if he asked directly and I directly said NO, that would be incredibly painful for him.   He can't acknowledge the abuse.     

[sunshine702]

Know that I am preaching to to MYSELF in this advice!... I do this all the time too but —

We have the acronym around here J.A.D.E.  Do not
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Thank you for the invitation no we can't make it.

Not why.  Not how your other invitation is what you are choosing. Nothing about her.

Just No thank you. 

It feels WEIRD I know but you will get stronger at it.  Yes means yes no means no. 

[Liketheducks]

Thank you for pointing that out Sunshine.   I did that without even realizing.