Holiday Stress (and bad behavior)

[Phantom Muse]

Hi, All,

It's been some time since I've contributed to this forum, and I do so appreciate all I have learned from you all. 

I recently found a therapist that I relate to very well and is challenging me to finally fully deal with my truckload of relationship challenges.  I am grateful—but this process has also re-invigorated my anxiety, fear about my future, discontent with my reality, and feelings of hopelessness to really do much to change it (without adding to the emotional difficulties I am already feeling). I've been pretty good at practicing boundaries with my NBbf—and have been getting better at them (yay, me!)—but my resistance is compromised right now, it seems. I just feel bad. I am guessing this is partially fueled by my therapy and also the holidays.

My NBbf has always inserted himself in negative ways to undermine the happiness and peace I might otherwise have felt during the holidays, and I am feeling overwhelmed right now and like if I enforce my boundaries with him, the holidays will fully fall apart and I will be a mess. Any advice or encouragement for me?

It's the usual NPD sorts of things:

1. He contracted covid, and he is screaming at me because of it.  I don't have covid, and we don't live together—so he caught it elsewhere.  Somehow it's my fault, though. After yelling at me, he has disappeared.

My boundary is to not contact him after he yells (he can reach out to me in kindness), but this has now activated anxiety—because I know he will not contact me until after the holiday (probably because he wants to ruin it for me).

2. He has (without telling OR ASKING me) sent thousands of dollars worth of music equipment to be delivered to my home address.  So far, there have been 9 packages in the past week or so and some of them are HUGE and weigh A LOT.  If I don't remove them from my porch fairly quickly, I invite the porch pirates to come onto my property and take (which seems to be an issue in my community). I actually don't care if they are stolen at this point; I just don't want to invite people onto my property for safety reasons. Of course, Christmas is in two days, and there appears to be no gift for me.

He claimed last week that I have "done nothing" for him in forever.  Never mind the aforementioned package maintenance, the tangible help with his two daughters throughout legal and health crises these past 6 months, and many usual kindnesses like home-cooked meals, etc. I know I can't rationalize irrationality, but I would appreciate any words to help elevate my spirits.

Thanks so much!

 

[Phantom Muse]

Thank you for your supportive words. 

Your statement about how "these people just thrive on unhappiness" is one of the most clear and concise distillations of PD behavior I've ever read.  I have added this to my "cheat sheet" of short sayings I keep to read when I am feeling low or overwhelmed.

I ended up not spending the holiday with him at all.  In fact, I likely won't see him for a few weeks now.  When he plays control games, it activates my anxiety.  When I am otherwise engaged (like I will be for the next few weeks), it far easier to ignore his games and moods. 

This particular fact is leading me to a conclusion that I think is wise and might even bring me to a place where I can leave him in my past and not carry him into my future. I am grateful to my therapist who has been prompting me in this direction.  It's not an earth-shattering or unusual idea—but it is something many I know who are in relationship with PDs struggle with—which is to focus on crafting your own life in a way that celebrates you and your gifts and does not revolve around the PD person. 

1. Cultivate friendships with those neighbors and peers and family and colleagues that feel safe AND interesting. Welcome people into your world that nurture and respect you AND allow you to do the same for them.  I am trying to be very aware of "red flags" and step back into simple cordiality with those people who ask of me more than I should give (I am a people-pleaser so this has been a challenging journey). Conversely, I am trying to be a better friend to those I trust and care for.  I have spent more than a couple of years confusing these two things to my detriment.

2. Engage in work you define as meaningful and that challenges you and allows you to regularly feel proud of your gifts.  My job allows this for me—and so do my hobbies.  Some of my hobbies are really simple, and some more involved. They all add to my feelings of self-worth.

3. Make a list of all the wonderful ways you can help yourself through the tough stuff.  I don't always have a clear mind when I am anxious or recovering from uNBPDbf's stuff—so I have lists of friends to call for a chat or visit and lists of simple activities I can do that have proven to be helpful in lifting my spirits (like taking a short walk, brewing fresh tea, writing a haiku, playing the piano, etc.).  I need the lists, because usually this gets me to my self-therapy a lot faster!

4. Keep the really important stuff to yourself.  I no longer share these things with my uNBPDbf because this makes it impossible for him to sabotage them.  I don't tell him about a lunch with a colleague, coffee with a friend, a job application I am making, and the like.  He really dislikes me having friends—and I am tired of him trying to embarrass me in front of them.  He wants to me to earn a lot of money (which I don't)—but he also hates the idea of me successful.  On and on... So, keeping it to myself is better for me.

This, of course, does beg the question of why I am still with him.  This is the question I am working on answering.  I think that process is leading me toward leaving him for good.
 
In the end, spending time with my uNBPDbf has been illuminating.  I still hate the anxiety and the painful and demeaning words.  I have spent ten years being "less than" I am capable of being.  I have forgotten how to dream.  Still, when the anxiety comes, I panic.  Which is why I wrote the initial post a few days ago.  It's loaded for me; I fear I am backsliding and can never leave this abusive yuck behind me.  So, there's still work to be done.

The upside is that I think I "get" people more.  I can really appreciate kind friendship.  I've learned how to be a better friend.  I've grown emotionally and become more compassionate.  I am empathetic to begin with—but I know I am more able to process through that lens in a helpful way for others.

Thanks for listening; I appreciate it!
~Phantom