Enmeshment and guilt

[timothyhayes]

Hey everyone.

It's been a while since I've posted, but I have good news: I've started therapy. My first session was three days ago, and it opened my eyes. Not only was I given a lot of validation from my therapist, but he tugged at the root of the issue. He told me that I was being chained by fear. Fear of what will happen if I do something that doesn't align with what my mother wants or thinks is right.

I've applied for an apartment, and even though it's expensive, I realize I desperately need space. But with this realization and even with my going through the process of moving out, I am struggling with guilt. I feel bad like I'm hurting my mother. I know she'll take the news terribly, and there will be crying, screaming, and begging. This is my current hurdle.

How do you deal with the guilt as you step out of an enmeshed situation?

[wisingup]

Hi TH - welcome back!  Great news on the therapy and on the steps toward moving out.

I understand your feelings of guilt - guilt is my constant companion.  I feel I am being selfish when I do things to meet my own needs, if I feel like I'm taking away from what someone else needs or wants.  I feel this way toward my uBPD mom, my children, my friends, even my dog for goodness sake.  I am therapy-bound as well in 2024!

I can be much more rational when looking at other people's situations.  From where I sit - you have every right & in fact an obligation to your own mental health to get yourself a peaceful home.  EVERYONE deserves this and NEEDS this - you are no exception. 

You are probably correct that your mom is going to rant, beg, threaten, suddenly have a rash of "emergencies", you name it.  She may throw everything she can think of at you, as well as some stuff you never could have predicted.  Maybe you can work with your therapist to have strategies at hand for when these things start to occur.  From my personal experience, I would recommend that you "start as you mean to go on" meaning that if you don't want to be stuck with a certain responsibility for the rest of your life, say no now & stick to it.

It's so easy for  me to say it, but in real life I find it so difficult to navigate.  My mom can say and do things that leave me stunned in the moment & I react in a way that backfires later. 

I wish you the best in navigating this and I hope your therapist can be a true partner in helping you navigate the process of un-enmeshing yourself.  The folks here will offer you lots of moral support along the way.

[moglow]

Congratulations!! When you struggle with feeling of guilt - and when she pitches fits and throws tantrums over it all - try to remember what you're doing is absolutely normal albeit a bit overdue. 

I'm sure it's hard for parents to see their children leave home and it sounds like yours has done a lot to keep that from happening all these years. We're *supposed* to leave home and build adult lives! It really is a good thing, not some tragedy to be mourned.

My one suggestion is to not be drawn into discussions about it, all the things that could go wrong or all the reasons she thinks you should stay. Keep your eyes on the big picture: your life as a peaceful independent adult!

[walking on broken glass]

This is great news! Well done on taking decisive steps to live your life as you want!

Guilt is an unavoidable part of the package. But you know what is stronger than guilt? Anger. When the fog starts lifting and you realise how you were held behind by your parents, you will get angry and this anger will help you deal with the guilt and will mobilize you. Stick with the therapy and talk to good friends (and here!) for reality and sanity checks. Try to avoid discussions with your mum as much as possible. Whenever you are ready to leave, you can discuss with your therapist various ways and strategies to deal with your parents, as other people have suggested. It will get easier in time. The more independence you get, the less influence your mum's ploys will have on you. Remind yourself that you are not doing anything wrong, you are just living your life the best way you can. To quote one of my favourite authors, Jane Austen:

'I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.'

Your parents are not responsible for  your life and they should not dictate how you live. You, and only you, are responsible for your life.

A good trick for you to understand the levels of toxicity of your parents' behaviour is to ask yourself: would I allow anyone else to behave towards me in this way? If a friend told me that someone treated them like this, would I find it acceptable? If the answer is no, you know that the guilt is not real but manufactured, procured by your parents' unreasonable expectations and unhealthy enmeshment.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Hey everyone.

It's been a while since I've posted, but I have good news: I've started therapy. My first session was three days ago, and it opened my eyes. Not only was I given a lot of validation from my therapist, but he tugged at the root of the issue. He told me that I was being chained by fear. Fear of what will happen if I do something that doesn't align with what my mother wants or thinks is right.

I've applied for an apartment, and even though it's expensive, I realize I desperately need space. But with this realization and even with my going through the process of moving out, I am struggling with guilt. I feel bad like I'm hurting my mother. I know she'll take the news terribly, and there will be crying, screaming, and begging. This is my current hurdle.

How do you deal with the guilt as you step out of an enmeshed situation?

What's the update on your situation? I would like to know if you were able to move and how that worked out for you? I hope you were able to find your own place. I'm dealing with some similar situations, both in present tense, and possible near-ish future tense.

[timothyhayes]

What's the update on your situation? I would like to know if you were able to move and how that worked out for you? I hope you were able to find your own place. I'm dealing with some similar situations, both in present tense, and possible near-ish future tense.

I wish I could say things got better, but they didn't. I am still with my parents. I am still terrified to talk with my parents about my partner, and today was a horrific day of more fights with my mother. I hope you got out.

[My New Life]

I left an enmeshed relationship with my uNPD mother 5 years ago.  I am familiar with the guilt and shame.  Moving out is a necessary, healthy transition for all adult children and I hope you find the strength to leave.  Your relationship with your partner is yours.  As a parent of adult children, I am happy if and when my kids choose to share who they are in relationship with.  It is not their responsibility to gain my approval, though they have it.  They are adults. They choose their partners.  They choose the lives they want to live.  I raised them to fly.  I hope you fly and flourish, Timothy.