When the narrative becomes laughable

[Happypants]

What started as a rant in my head has quickly become another liberating step forward for my future.  A seemingly innocuous sequence of events this morning triggered me, and when I recount to myself the logic of my train of thought, I realise how deeply ingrained the complex process of reaching self-recrimination really is (talk about tenuous links  ).  But the point of this post is for me to have something to come back to when I begin to spiral, and I really hope it helps others who are deeper in the fog and perhaps nearer the beginning of their journey.  It serves to restart my journey forward and remind me of how silly things get. 

I have many faults, but my family is waaaaaaaay off on the narrative that they hold onto.  Here are some of my triggers leading me back to laughable (for me) narratives as the scapegoat:

Phone calls with my father - Trigger: talk of nephews > reminds me of one call years ago where out-of-the-blue he said "you know, when you were growing up, you and your brother were the most important thing to your mum.  Now, you're just going to have to accept that it's them" ("them" being my nephews) > Fact: I had, over the years, gradually lessened contact with my mother because it was too much.  I had also been seeing my parents less because I was learning that they were being emotionally manipulative, my mother in particular indulging in a hurtful smear campaign against me.  I was completely gobsmacked when he said this - of all the things, jealousy of my young nephews hadn't entered my head.  This was a huge red flag with regards to how far off they were with the narrative, but I didn't have the knowledge at the time to understand fully what was going on > Fact: at no point ever, in their entire lives, have I been jealous of my nephews.  To me, it beggars belief that my parents can, on one hand, give me a hard time for not answering/returning calls from my mother and subtly guilt-trip me for not spending enough time with the entire family, and on the other hand, accuse me of wanting to be the centre of her attention.

Cookery programme - Trigger: Lots of fresh fruit and veg > reminds me of when I had a garden with a greenhouse, four rows of raised bed, numerous herb and fruit pots all filled with organic produce grown successfully by me for four years until my health issues took over > then remembering how my parents completely wiped out that period of my life by supposedly not remembering but my mother is pretty vocal about anything SIL (GC's wife) grows.  They completely ignored any references I made to anything i'd grown at the time! > Fact: I visibly grew a lot of fruit and veg (the only usable entrance to my house was through this garden!) but my productive garden/gardening years apparently didn't exist because I was successful at it.  It doesn't serve my mother in particular to see me as successful.  My father is caring (but with vulnerable narc traits) but feels better about himself when treating me like i'm a child/incapable.

Dinner invitation - Trigger: I've told my family that I'll have them all around here for dinner soon > reminds me of my father lecturing me that "all that matters is that it suits them" talking about GC and family when it comes to my invitations to dinner, to which i replied "and you, and us", on the back of which i received a lecture from my mother about how SIL is a wife/mother (I've been with my partner for 20 years ) > Fact: I always have and always will consider others, so at 48 i don't need or appreciate being lectured on it, nor does my whole world revolve around GC and family.  There's a goal, certainly on my mother's part, to have me subservient to her and to my GC brother and his family.

Common nutritional deficiency - Trigger: pretty much any time i focus on my health through diet or supplementation > reminds me of accidentally mentioning to my mother that i was low vitamin d (hardly interesting or unusual, especially in this country) to which my mother replies angrily and sarcastically "well, there you go! You're just like me!".  She has a history of attention-seeking through medical issues, in my opinion, and not only projects this onto me, but seems to see me as competition.  Here's the silly part, she was b12 deficient and hypothyroid, but not low in vitamin d at the time of the comment > I'm not in competition with her over health issues, but i suspect that there is some sort of munchausen-type theme to the narrative about me, purely a projection by her > Fact: I find my health challenges embarrassing because they're invisible and have affected my ability to work, which gives certain people a lot of ammunition.  My mother has a monopoly on health issues (although my father is "allowed" them too).  This contributes to the "paranoid and attention-seeking" part of the narrative.

My car - Trigger: whenever i appreciate how practical my car for us and my dogs > reminds me of two instances: telling my parents we got an unbelievably huge discount on it because it was pre-registered (i don't believe i mentioned actual numbers because i don't like discussing what things cost, but in all honesty, i may have), them just staring at me in silence as they do when I've validated some stupid part of the narrative (i'm a money-grabber/obsessed with money/showing off); meeting and GC brother and family at the beach and being mocked for having a bigger vehicle than them (they have two kids and two dogs, we have two dogs) > Fact: I'm not driven by money, in fact, i'd say my lack of money-drive affected my motivation in bonus-related jobs years ago. I also don't show off about money or things.  I say "my car" because these things are never aimed at my partner, only me.

My house - Trigger: bathrooms and postcode > reminds me of my mother saying the number of bathrooms in our house was "from the sublime to the ridiculous" (it's a new build designed for a small family, not a couple), and the comment "all fur coat and no knickers" in relation to our area (we are near to a more affluent area, but not part of it) > Fact: I don't care about postcode (as long as it's safe!), and frankly, I grudge having additional bathrooms (i sure as hell don't want to clean more than one!).  But there we go, I'm all about the image, keeping up with the Jones's, kidding on that i'm posh

Looking back over some of the narrative, there are areas that they KNOW are not representative of me in the slightest, yet they (more so my parents) are so attached to them that they'll go to silly lengths to derail my integrity (plus a LOT of projection from my mother).  There's no other option but to move forward rather than looking back, because looking back, the narrative is ridiculous! 

 

   

[Call Me Cordelia]

You show some high-level awareness here. It's really something when we're able put the crazy quilt pieces together and figure out the narrative behind the insane behavior. Once I realized my parents would rather tell lies to themselves and other people than actually have a relationship with me and my husband and children, it became possible to detach from trying anymore. Yes, hell of a lot of projection. Who I really am never was considered in the slightest. For people with no sense of self, it wouldn't compute, and it was really threatening that I had interests and beliefs and hobbies and relationships  apart from them.

How you've organized the narratives here helped me recognize some freaky similarities. From the other side of NC, maybe it's not so important, but I'm finding I still have bits of the narrative that part of me believes. Like feeling the need to "prove" I'm not posh and stuck up. My house being nice and pretty is a double edged sword. Because I take pleasure in that for sure but spending money "proves" the narrative and I still feel that. When people are coming over I have this weird compulsion to deliberately leave some mess visible so I can feel comfortable! Not that it's hard to do that around here, but it is funny. But then I worry I'm not worthy of my nice things because I can't keep up with the housework!

So funny too about the garden thing. In our previous home we too had a huge organic garden. For both my FOO and in-laws, our garden simply did not exist. They would rave about FIL's ornamental garden. But give me recognition? Never. When I forced the topic I got, "That looks like an awful lot of work and expense. You have the grocery store, you know." 

My parents in particular simultaneously believed we were both social climbers and embarrassing rednecks, growing food and fixing things. You are so right, the narrative is laughable. Working on simply laughing at it and then living my life.

[Srcyu]

Negative bias.

We grew up with it. Everything we do and everything we say shall be viewed through a negative bias - always.  Why?

Why indeed.     Because we've never danced to their tune probably.

[sunshine702]

I can absolutely relate to the "Hey I used to grow an epic garden". Them - complete amnesia of that even if reminded.  "Hey favored person grew something"

That is the real story of my life!  I have gone places and done things and they coo over similar things by other people.  It is maddening and hurtful but you know the truth.  And the more they do it the more you realize how small and bird brained they are-  pecking at one seed not realizing anything else.   Eventually it becomes almost funny

[SeaBreeze]

Very good way to breakdown your triggers and the incidents behind them. It's always helpful to get the heart of things! I may try an exercise in the future, writing things down in the same format as you have here to sort my own experiences out.

During my first marriage, uNPDh #1 and I found an affordable but large historical rental home. The first time my uNPDmom visited, I stood out front and watched her drive by 4 times before she finally spotted me standing there waving my arms to get her attention. The fact I could live in a nice home was just beyond her comprehension. During my 2nd marriage, stbx-uNPDh and I at least built a financially stable, comfortable life together. uNPDmom just kept mocking our neighborhood as too generic and suburban for her tastes, making fun of my nice new-ish car as looking like everyone else's, etc. I don't think she was jealous, but moreso that she really just could not relate to me or fathom a life beyond her own existence or one where I was successful and not dependent on her for my well-being.

I think many of us nons have enough of a challenge overcoming our own inner narratives we tell ourselves, let alone living up to (or down to) PDs narratives. It certainly helps to laugh sometimes!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Happypants, great post!

This is very helpful to do. I found that the more I could detach from the PD's and then observe their behaviors and narratives from a purely observational place, it really helped. Because it reveals how far off base they really are about who we are!

Their narratives are not just 'different', they are distorted, and inaccurate.

It was a huge epiphany for me to accept how little they care about internal consistency. They will contradict themselves, their narratives do not 'add up' and so they have a very 2 plus 2 equals 5 vibe. If we try to convince them that actually 2 plus 2 equals 4, all we see out of them is more immature, narc based denial and defensiveness. We're wrong and they are somehow always right. Even as they contradict themselves with the narratives they have about us. 

It shows how incapable they are of having close relationships. They can't see people clearly. Its all filtered through their narc glasses, where they see us through their negative mindset.

The PDs in my life also don't know how to be happy for others, and so a lot of what you described in your OP is familiar to how I was seen (more like unseen, or criticized) as well. They just can't be happy for us...so everything about our life is criticized in some way. Those subtle criticisms are crazy making until we get Out of the FOG!! Nons would be happy for you if you got a car at a good discount. But not a PD!

Because they can't be happy for others (due to a lack of empathy), I believe this is what explains their reactions to us when we try to share about details in our life, or when they start to count how many bathrooms our house has or whatever detail about us they want to focus on. In my FOO, their lack of capacity for joy always resulted in me then being criticized - for something that wasn't even true. Talk about crazy making!
 
Trees

[olivegirl]

I can so very relate to the narrative that I am stuck up and putting on airs.

It's ingenious of my cunning parents whose aim is to isolate and discredit me by assuring others that I am fake, a social climber and that I think I am better than others. 

I used to be so hurt and humiliated by my parents' so-called teasing.

Now I see it for what it is: my Bpd Queen/Witch Mother's seething jealousy and dissatisfaction with her own life and my insecure misogynist Npd father who relishes bullying me to score points with my mother. 

After decades of being smeared, sorry "joking," as pretentious, spoiled, difficult, opportunistic, catty, disingenuous—-

I am dumbfounded why my aging parents demanded that they live with me in my house! 

Their answer: Despite my "idiosyncrasies", they still love me, "no matter what."

Ha! 

[Happypants]

Thanks for the responses.  It's always both comforting and sad to read that others can relate.  Apologies for the disjointed responses to your comments here 

Call me Cordelia - when you begin to notice the lengths they'll go to (lying to themselves as you mentioned), it very much for me becomes a "wow" moment, and one that is easy to refer back to when in doubt.  During a call with my father, I was talking about a walk I had taken (a walk he knows, so it was relevant). I mentioned stopping on the drive home to help a woman on a quiet country road with a puncture - no spare wheel and two kids in the car.   Stoney silence!  Nope, that doesn't match the narrative we have of you     And when I also maintained the silence at the other end (sorry, but it's so much more satisfying than previous fawning habits), eventually there was "aye, aye, whatever", then a change of subject.  It is frustrating, though, how the residual "imprints" still show up in certain contexts.  I know I always want to help where I can, but to me, I'll never think of myself as a kind, helpful person.  I suppose it runs in parallel with the definitions of healthy and unhealthy shame - the difference between doing something bad, and thinking you are inherently bad.

Srcyu - completely agree.  From memory, there was no overt scapegoating when younger (lots of fat-shaming and I was clearly the inferior gender), but there's a narrative that developed in my teens that's been built upon to suit over the years.  From there, the negative bias gradually became more prevalent.

sunshine702 - it's so hurtful being erased like that, but eye-opening when you understand what's going on.   

SeaBreeze - I can't believe your mother did that.  I'm assuming "not seeing you" was her being passive-aggressive?  The "jealousy" aspect always puzzles me.  On one hand, my father told me that my mother was jealous of my greenhouse (she had a smaller one).  On, the other hand, the whole issue with my house, bathrooms and area feels like something else.  In all honesty, i think she's a manipulative marvel who's highly-skilled in spotting opportunities to attack me.  This is also often clear in her conversation style, which is to always be in opposition to what i think, feel, say, do, etc.  Basically, i'm wrong

treesgrowslowly - I agree that the power to detach really is key in seeing it all for what it is.  You mention a lack of internal consistency, there have been some mind-blowing instances of this with my father.  My father who is very smart, analytical and detail-oriented, will think nothing of contradicting himself so that i'm wrong. It actually makes me sad.  I'd say my father has traits, and i often feel that he suffers more from the seething resentment that he experiences than i do (well, now that i understand the mechanics).

olivegirl - it's amazing the lengths they'll go to to ostracize.  Seeing it for what it is, and then they'll switch because they need something