Fleas and blame

[Discovelpis]

My spouse has such a curated image. Every negative thing is turned inward and amplified. On the outside he is successful, ambitious, healthy, empathetic, intelligent. Inside it's massive fear of failure, destructive behavior, fear of abandonment and being alone. Small conflicts get replayed in his head and each time they grow a little more exaggerated. He doesnt get angrier. He gets more hurt. But he is so in control of his image. He never lets the mask slip.

I've been pushed pretty far, mentally, in the near decade we've been together. From the outside, I'm the unstable one. From the outside, I'm the emotional one. Any time I feel my emotions rising, I think "this is one more thing he could use against me." Im afraid he may suggest that I have a PD, and compared to his curated image... he has a better case. The only difference between the two of us is that I have actively been in therapy and seeing a psychologist for depression and anxiety (both diagnoses since the relationship started). He has avoided therapy specifically. He has been in couples therapy before (not with me). He learned what he needed to know to mask better and has not suggested it with me.

I'm afraid he could very well be on this forum asking for support about me. This is the biggest gaslighting loop and I can't get out of it. I'm gaslighting myself. I don't know what's real anymore.

[Discovelpis]

I think I'm most worried about a smear campaign. I have very few people left. And if it did come down to a legal thing, then that would be a concern. I tend to think several steps ahead, brace for impact, plan for problems and make sure they don't happen (I wonder where I learned this...). Its one of the things I can't solve. On my own, I am confident in myself. I don't have to question things about myself. But as soon as I'm with him, I don't know who I am. And in the last few years I've been practically smothered.

It's funny you mention that! My last therapy session I started with, "I talk about other people too much." My therapist was on the same page and was gonna direct me that way as well. 2024 is gonna be a year of healing and growing.

Thank you for the book recommendation, it sounds like exactly what I need at the right time!

[moglow]

I think I'm most worried about a smear campaign. I have very few people left.

If I may, those who are truly your people won't fall for a smear campaign. Even if there's just a few of those people, that's not necessarily a bad thing. They're your people for YOU, not because or in spite of what he thinks or says you are. Iff they show themselves to NOT be, that's information you need to know.

A good point about not talking about your spouse in therapy. You're there for YOU, not to figure him out. Well you kinda are, but you have to figure yourself out.

[NBRiverGuy]

This right here. It's difficult because you're thinking to yourself, "Well, my spouse is the reason I'm here." But, the truth is, you are the reason you are there. You're not in therapy to fix your spouse's unhappiness. You are there to fix your unhappiness and you can only change you.