Backing out of going to aunt's memorial

[SpiritedChange]

My maternal aunt (who I was not close to) has died and the burial and memorial are next weekend, a two hour flight away. Due to an ongoing boycott of me by PD brother (NC now for 4 years) and PD sister, along with puppeteer PD mother, I didn't see how I would be able to attend. I decided to call my aunt's husband and daughter, (my cousin, whom I have never met) last night to see if I could get a few more details so I could make a decision, but somehow found myself telling them that I would be coming... Then I found out that my brother's and sister's spouses will also be making the trip, meaning that I am going to be completely outnumbered. I will not know any of the other attendees.

After sleeping on it (or rather, not sleeping) I realized that more than likely, PD brother will likely not speak with me nor make eye-contact, so I decided to test my hypothesis and texted him a question about the funeral, and he has not responded. So I think I have my answer, and I have decided that I will not attend.

So now I have to back out of attending and I have no idea what to give them as an explanation. If anybody has any suggestions I would be all ears.

[moglow]

I'm so sorry you're in this position, and for the loss in your family. You don't have to explain to anyone - if they ask, you were unable to go. Period, end of sentence. You don't have to talk about it or make excuses - their expectations aren't yours to fulfill. If you feel so compelled, maybe send flowers or make a charitable donation in her memory, something she might have been involved with or interested in. 

[bloomie]

SpiritedChange - adding my condolences to you for the loss of your aunt.

One of the unspoken false beliefs I held onto for far too long was that I cannot change my mind after agreeing to do something. I have come to recognize this is left over from unrealistic expectations that were held of me in my family of origin that I adopted and held myself to. 

Every day all across the land people rethink something that is entirely optional and adjust their decision. And the sky does not fall in.

It is kind to have reached out to family members and offer your condolences and thoughts. If you feel to, a card or flowers with a small note saying you were unable to be there in person, but they are in your thoughts is lovely should you decide to do that.

I would add... if you truly do want to go to connect with family members you don't know very well and might like to know better, don't let anyone's disregard make that decision for you. This is your family. You have every right to go or not go. You do what you want to do and we will be here cheering you on as you do!

[SpiritedChange]

Thanks moglow and bloomie for your kind words. 

A quick update -- as my mother does not wish to be embarrassed in front of her sister's more functional family she agreed to speak with my brother, and apparently he has agreed to be "civil and courteous". Since they are all heavily invested in giving the appearance that we are a functional family, I am fairly confident that everyone will be on good behavior. Additionally, even though it took him 5 hours to do so, he finally replied to my text, effectively breaking 4 years of silence. So since this is the case, I feel a little better about attending. I would really like to be able to meet my cousins for the first time, and who knows, maybe even establish some kind of connection with them, something I had been planning on doing since before my aunt fell ill. If I do not attend they may feel slighted and I really don't want to take that risk. But I will be limiting it to just the memorial service to reduce the amount of time that I am around my siblings and mother.

I know that my having contacted my aunt's family myself instead of just going through my mother is likely sending shockwaves through the family, and in a way it feels a bit like I am making a declaration of independence. So I am very happy about that.

[bloomie]

SpiritedChange - your empowered and moving forward toward relationships with extended family members you would like to know better! 

Let us know how things go when you are able and wishing you peace and strength for your journey!

[SpiritedChange]

I spent far more hours than necessary figuring out all the logistics on Sunday, and yet I still haven't been able to hit the "pay now" button.  

What I find unsettling is how much everyone is bending over backwards to smooth the way for me to go. It feels like a replay of what happened at Christmas Eve, when I was given assurances that my sister was going to be "civil and courteous", but I walked straight into a trap. I don't think I am being paranoid to be concerned that something similar could happen again, and with my emotional reserves still very depleted after Christmas, I think I would be taking a big risk.

I decided to "try on" the decision of not going last night and I initially felt so relieved. However, that was quickly replaced with massive anxiety about my FOO using my lack of attendance against me. But even if I go, they will find something to use against me, even if they have to make something up. I also had a weird dream about my brother last night, in which I trusted him and he then stabbed me in the back.

In a way, I wonder if by not attending I am sending an even louder message of emancipation...

[moglow]

Idea: Work on not worrying about what message they may think you're sending. as you say, if they want to "find something" they will, even if they make it up. Do what feels right for YOU, what will actually give you peace.

[bloomie]

If it is the right thing for you to go, then go with the knowledge that you are already an emancipated, separate human being that can attend extended family events when and if you choose and who can remove yourself from any encounter that goes sideways.

[Srcyu]

'If In Doubt, Don't.'

Not my own words, but they've helped me out more than once.
Saves on a lot of handwringing.